The dance of No.

Being a parent of a PDA child means that we have a much higher frequency of ‘No’ in our lives. No in PDA means that a force, difficult to pinpoint or explain, that lives and hovers somewhere in the shadows, rules many desires and serves to protect something much deeper than I have words to covey, governs on a micro level, everything and all. Avoidance is what is seen, but it runs so much more complicated than that. We are still to fully get what this all means, so in an attempt to contrast our Nos, many of us have surrendered, through necessity, to the fight with no and found ways to fully let go of our own misgivings around this fully loaded word. By this I mean to say that by saying yes, by hearing, allowing, honouring the other, we can manoeuvre around our days with a lot more ease and in this space of give and take, there are gifts to be unwrapped, if we so chose to see them. On lookers very much judge the differences we use in our parent journeys and most of the time, this is due to extremely well set believes about not spoiling children, bratty kids that get their own way by demanding, refusing and not respecting their elders. Centuries of conditioning means that our PDA ways can be viewed in completely the wrong way to what’s actually happening and perhaps this is true of all children, not just PDA. Only the cover of the book is seen, when really, we have the holy grail of fascinating learning, if only all could take the time to look beneath and beyond the first few pages.

The parents that dance with no, weave a crafted marriage between yes and no and as such, we are making new beliefs, new future generations, for the child who is allowed complete control over their needs and wishes, is a child in tune with themselves. It is not an easy transition to make, but I believe that generation X (Those born between 1965-1985) are the bridges between a new way of being and the old. We have created a path to walk for those who come next, to the new world we are about to enter. With AI not far from becoming integrated into our normal everyday lives and selves, on a massive scale, like nothing we have seen before, it is more important than ever to become as fully awake, human and most of all, as loving as possible. For this is what will set us apart for what’s to come. Clearing our carried wounds, cleaning ourselves up and raising to a high-flying vibration, is essential. PDA ignites this process and cries out for love. When we make No a beautiful dance between the old and new, the yes and the no, that’s when we know what’s it’s all about.

So how do we get from everyday stresses to that high cloud of contentment and still look after ourselves as parents in the meantime? How do we stay strong in our convictions to parent differently and still make sure our own needs are being met? What if we are so selfless that we are not showing our PDA kids that we have needs too? It’s a tricky one for sure and I see lots of parents who have put their emotions on hold for long periods of time. Holding out for a time to breathe, to have some space and some freedom. To not feel that tip toe feeling, the eggshells, the PTSD. I was that person for many, many years. I wondered; will I ever get me time? For parents of tiny dependants, who have to provide love, nourishing food, clothing, shelter, education, we can disappear from ourselves in survival mode and not come up for air for what seems like eternity. For some, they have lost even a memory of what peace feels like, looks like.

I can only speak from my own journey of 10 years of PDA, but here’s me. I realized that putting myself first was not selfish. Putting myself first did not mean I was more important than my kids or that I would suit myself before my child, rather I learned that if I was not OK, no one else was either. A bit like putting the airbag on yourself before helping others if a plane is going down. Having the odd tantrum myself was a healthy thing to show, it didn’t need to be frightening or traumatising, but it could be a strong enough show of emotions to allow my kids to know, I’m just human too and I don’t have all the answers. I learnt that by being honest about how I felt in healthy conversations about feelings taught my kids how to chat about theirs. Saying sorry is more important than being right. I made sure that if I needed to stay in bed for a day or so to heal and re set, I would. I shared and modelled the tools I used to keep on top of my own wellbeing, and now my kids have tools they can chose from too. I can say no too. We dance the dance of no together and that is a beautiful thing.

To all the parents out there, who may be tired, struggling, not heard or understood. You are amazing and you are not alone. To anyone who wants to learn the dance but doesn’t know the steps, do reach out. Breaking down each step and practice, just like a real dance, gets easier. Lindsay at Peace with PDA offers one to one coaching sessions to help understand, identify blocks, clear traumas and become empowered in our own stories. For my next post I am going to write about homeopathy. What it is, why I love it and how it can help us on deep levels for change and healing.

Thanks so much for reading.

LOVEPDA. x