A distraught wife is concerned about her husband’s mysterious disappearances from their bed at night. She strongly suspects that he is sneaking around and engaging in secretive activities.
She reached out to Dr. Billingsgate for advice. If you have a question for Dr. Billingsgate, please get in touch!
Dear Dr. Billingsgate,
My husband, let’s call him “Bill,” says I’m dreaming. But I’m not sure. Lately, I have been waking up to a pile of pillows next to me. I know my husband too well to mistake him for some pillows. After all, pillows don’t talk. I’m blond, but I ain’t dumb. Eventually, he returns to bed—sometimes even the same night. Whenever I ask him about the hickeys on his neck, he claims he is undergoing leech treatment for his goiter. Although he’s old, has a pot belly, and near terminal halitosis, women still seem to be attracted to him. How can I keep him in bed at night?
Hillary
Dear Hillary,
I wouldn’t believe the cheating sumbitch if he had one hand in the cookie jar and his other hand on a Bible. With him, I would start out by Scotch-taping his hands to the bedsheets. If you wake up and notice he’s not in bed and the Scotch tape is just hanging there, that should be proof enough that he’s not there. If he still denies that he is gone, there is always Plan B. This requires a little stealth: I suggest you surreptitiously Crazy Glue his testicles to the bed frame while he is sleeping. If he attempts to hop out of bed during the night, you will be awakened before his heels hit the floor. Believe me, even though he will be of little use to you, that will be the last time he thinks about being unfaithful.
Dr. Slim: “If only Hillary had written you sooner, there might have never been Monica.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dr. Dude. If history didn’t repeat itself, there would be no need for Crazy Glue.”