A group of young Israelis on sabbatical from their Negev kibbutz stumbled across a vat in the Tyrol with Hitler’s head preserved in Riesling. They contacted Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s office in Tel Aviv and were immediately referred to his top scientific adviser. Arrangements were made, and an IDF helicopter was dispatched to the beautiful spot in the Tyrol between Italy and Austria.
Now, the head of the dictator who caused the deaths of close to six million Jews sits on a lab table under the authority of Hebrew University’s top scientists. It is amazingly well-preserved, and since they have opened it to study his brain, they could not believe that the bullet that went through it some sixty years ago did not cause much damage.
The leader of this internationally recognized scientific team said that what they are most trying to determine from studies of Hitler’s brain are the following:
1) Did he have a plan to manipulate liberal Jews in America into believing that every oppressed group but their own was entitled to actively stand up to their tormentors?
2) If so, did Hitler devise some subliminal technique that would be used by future Nazi sympathizers to try to hypnotize liberal American Jewish leaders and other “woke” individuals of every ethnicity to warn Israel in The New York Times and The New Yorker that Mr. Netanyahu, the IDF, people who have been mown down at Haifa weddings, and while celebrating their most sacred holidays – was there some technique to get them to say (“squawk, Israel apartheid)?
3) Psychiatrists and psychologists have been brought in as well to study Hitler’s brain to try to detect what plans for future Jews and non-Jews around the world (especially liberal ones) in America and Western Europe the brutal dictator may have passed on to Neo-Nazi groups who still believe 1938 was the actual Renaissance and that Doctor Mengele posthumously deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. Time will tell, and excitement throughout Israel has never been higher. Stay tuned. In the meantime, falafel sales around the university, as crowds wait for daily announcements of findings, are through the roof, and sunflower seeds have formed a one-foot carpet throughout the Holy City.
In the meantime, several prominent liberal Jewish thinkers (some of whom think the earth is flat) have voluntarily been brought to the prestigious lab at Hebrew University to be hypnotized. The psychological team will ask them, once they reach the deepest state of hypnosis, a number of questions. Note that in order for these deep-thinking, woke, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and Bernie Sanders followers, a basic questionnaire had to be answered before they could be approved for the deep hypnotic experiment.
1) Would you invite Tawana Brawley to dinner?
2) Why did Jessie Jackson’s Rainbow Coalition’s colors end up being those used for the LGBTQ+ community?
3) Would you invite Louis Farrakhan to dinner?
4) If you had to do it over, would you still be willing to be the most prominent ethnic group to ride the freedom buses to the American South, risking getting killed, having your head bashed in, bitten by German Shepherds, listening to George Wallace’s and Bull Connor’s drawl, while being water-hosed with more force than Niagara Falls?
5) Would you still be willing to do all that even if you knew that after risking your life for others’ civil rights, leaders of the Black community would suddenly be aghast that you were white and eject you from their buses faster than Muhammad Ali knocked out Sonny Liston?
6) Do you think that Al Sharpton should be the New York mayor’s best friend forever (BFF)?
7) What is your view on eliminating admission requirements for Bronx Science, Stuyvesant High School, and other top secondary schools in New York City?
8) How do you feel about Affirmative Action? When you think of the best days in America, do you just get a big glow to go back to the days of open admission to City College, quotas for Jews throughout Ivy League Universities (including medical schools), neighborhoods in the Chicago suburbs where Jews were prohibited, resorts your family couldn’t go to (who cares, what wasn’t to like about the food in the Catskills — the WASPs’ digestive systems only require martinis, Wonder Bread cut in little triangles, and lots of mayo)?
9) Do you eat Chinese food on Christmas Day? Should Jewish candidates for the U.S. Supreme Court be asked what they do on Christmas Day?
10) When someone says they’ve seen “Eilat,” do you think they mean they’ve been to a lot of places?
11) If you closed your eyes and touched Angela Davis’s hair in the 1960s, would you think she was Jewish?
12) Should Whoopi Goldberg be invited to be the Rabbi of an Orthodox congregation somewhere?
13) Do you feel safer if you hear “JDL” when you’re in New York City in the 1970s?
14) This question carries more weight than all the others. Your answer will determine whether you are put into a deep hypnotic state in a room with light filtering through Chagall windows or sent back to Livingston, New Jersey. Here it is: Should Meir Kahane and the JDL be disregarded completely because of their aggressive stance, while Angela Davis, Huey Newton, Eldridge Cleaver, Malcolm X, and the Black Panthers, etc. be given credit for achieving some things for their people and considered necessary after Martin Luther King Jr. was gone and following Black leaders believed it was a time for strong action, even militancy? Your answer must also include your opinion on Jewish ACLU lawyers and liberal Jews everywhere, including those from Short Hills to Palo Alto, as well as Ivy League types of any ethnicity (including those from Cape Cod who consider whiskey one of the basic food groups – sorry, couldn’t avoid that) who would condemn Kahane faster than the sun goes down at the beginning of a Shabbat but would look for the “good side” or try to “put in context” why a Black leader got away with calling New York “Hymie Town” or why Black leaders became militants in the 1960s.
15) Do you understand being featured on the cover of Time magazine over 50 years ago (see Jewish Museum, Philadelphia) with your Jewish face on one half of it, staring at a representation of a racial group no non-Blacks fought harder for?
16) When The New York Times and The New Yorker figuratively want to spank Benjamin Netanyahu’s tuchus, criticize Mossad and the IDF, fail to acknowledge that their brothers and sisters in Israel are sacrificing everything and risking their lives every day, or suggest that Jews who wouldn’t know a kibbutz orchard, dairy, or factory, sore muscles or calloused hands where people work six days a week, getting up at 5 a.m. from an Audi parked in front of a penthouse on the Upper East Side with artwork on the walls worth millions of dollars… When The New Yorker or The New York Times, or any American newspaper that may not exactly deserve a Pulitzer or any award for alerting everyone in the United States to the concentration camps that were ensuring the European Jewish population never breathed fresh air, indicates that there may be Jews around the world, outside Israel, who might be “upset” with the leadership in the only place on earth where Jews will be able to go to be safe once the slide toward anti-Semitism looks like the Third Reich – when an Israeli thinks of those Jews being upset with them, do they just have to go run to the King David and order a cognac?
17) Finally, when you hear someone in the U.S. Congress talk about the “Benjamins,” or when someone with the initials AOC comes out in the first days after winning an election and puts defunding Israel as one of her top priorities, as a representative from one of the cities with the highest Jewish populations in the world and where tons fled Nazi Germany–when you hear an American who has been elected to an important and powerful position in the nation that’s the leader of the free world say the words “West Bank, occupation, Palestinians, oppression” in a sentence and have the effect of causing the American public to view Jews as unjust and Israel as unnecessary or worse, do you simply say, like a parrot, “Bad Jews, Apartheid, Bad Jews, Apartheid” and congratulate yourself for being more of a humanitarian than Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Martin Buber, Albert Schweitzer, or Martin Luther King Jr.?
Anyway, our team of psychological researchers will analyze your answers to the above questions and provide you with a written summary of your profile. Hitler’s well-preserved brain is sitting safely on a marble-topped lab table guarded by brave soldiers. Until then, Shalom, and next year in Jerusalem!