Herschel Walker broadens appeal to Georgia Republicans with new story about, uh, livestock sex

Yeah, that’s indeed the short version. You might keep an eye on fellow Republicans Tom Cotton and The Ghost Of Rick Scott as Herschel weaves his little tale of … something? Is Herschel talking about what we all think he’s talking about?

This is why Republicans suck VERY VERY MUCH at writing children’s books. Anytime a “family-values” abortion-paying-for secret-child-having repeatedly-held-gun-to-wife’s-head Republican Senate candidate starts going on about livestock sex, things are going to go downhill quickly. There are very few campaign strategies that have, as bullet points, “and now you’re going to go out and tell the crowd a story about livestock sex.” NO.

But the moral of this little story is … what? Herschel imagines himself as the bull, right? And he got three women pregnant that we know of, and maybe there’s three more we don’t know about, but for Senate Republican candidates in Georgia the grass is always greener on the side of the fence with even more cows than that, so he’s naturally going to go through barbed wire to look for them, and hey I think we are going to stop thinking about this right the hell now, because sweet and sour Jesus this is not the closing argument we want to be hearing from any would-be Republican senator past or present.

We do not want to hear about livestock sex from Tom Cotton, or from Mitch McConnell, or from anybody else. Not as a parable. Not as a free-form poem. Please stop talking about cow sex.

Walker did stop, but not before making everything even weirder than that.

See there, and you were beginning to wonder if he really was Senate material.

Moving on …

Okay, so first he was a bull, then a dog, now he’s a bear? Is the bear having sex too, or is that not specified? And he’s both dog and bear now, some sort of freaky dog-bear hybrid? Can anyone explain the train of thought that gets us from there to “and that’s why you should vote for me to be in the United States Senate, where I can write new tax laws or whatever?”

This is not how a campaign normally operates! This is not how parables operate! This is maybe how German folk tales usually go, but parables? Not really! Normally there are no candidates who climb up on stage to tell stories of sex-having mountain goats with a long history of head injuries, to give one inappropriate example out of many.

We’re used to Republican politicians announcing that there are Too Many Trees These Days, from Ronald Reagan to Donald Whatshisname to this guy. We can get through that. We’re used to Republican candidates who hide a history of just blood-curdling moral failures; hiding secret sex partners and the abortions you paid for is so commonplace it might as well be written into the Republican Party platform. You can be banned from local malls after becoming infamous as the town’s most persistent sex pest, and we’re even used to that.

Walker, though, seems intent on shooting the moon here. He’s going to fill out every square of the Republican Scandal Bingo cards so that everyone wins a prize. He’s running against a Democratic minister, no less, and one who has not yet become famous for telling stories about sex-having animals.

Stop it! Enough! This has all been very funny but for the love of God and biscuits, Walker campaign staff, get this man help instead of just going through the motions for a paycheck. Suggest he pursue alternate careers, maybe something in accounting. No petting zoos. No children’s books. What about pumpkin farming, one of those guys that tries to grow the biggest pumpkin for Halloween, maybe he’d be interested in that? Some of them are even big enough to turn into boats; he could float around and pretend to be in the Navy.

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