How to Build Trust Back in a Marriage: Healing After Long-Term Betrayal – Couples Therapy Inc.

Dear Dr. K,

I’m struggling with a long-term betrayal in my marriage. Here’s what happened:

I used to work at the same company as my husband. After I left, my husband began an affair with a coworker. When I discovered it 9 months later, both he and the affair partner (AP) admitted to an emotional affair but denied it was sexual.

Despite my threats to leave and requests for him to change jobs, he continued working with her until she was eventually fired. Throughout this time, he repeatedly asked me to “trust him” at work while the affair was ongoing. Now, 12 years later, he has finally admitted it was a sexual affair. I believe he only kept quiet to protect his job.

We’re in couples therapy, and he wants to “move past this.” Though we’ve stayed together, I’m struggling with the fact that he chose the AP over me back then and lied for 12 years.

My question is: Can our marriage work given that he showed no care for my feelings during the affair and only now, 12 years later, wants to be truthful and work on our relationship?

Betrayed Wife

Dear Betrayed Wife,

Your letter about discovering your husband’s affair – and the subsequent 12 years of deception – speaks to one of the most painful challenges couples face: how to build trust back in a marriage after not just infidelity, but years of active dishonesty. Let me address both your specific situation and share insights that can help others facing similar betrayals.

Understanding the Double Betrayal

When your husband chose to continue working with his affair partner despite your concerns, then spent 12 years denying the full extent of their relationship, he created two distinct wounds:

1. The original betrayal of the affair
2. The extended betrayal of denying your reality for 12 years

Each time he asked you to “trust him” while actively deceiving you, he added another layer of injury to your marriage’s foundation. It’s like discovering your house has been slowly sinking into quicksand while someone kept insisting the ground was solid.

Why Traditional “Trust Building” Advice Falls Short

Many articles about how to build trust back in a marriage focus on recent betrayals. Your situation is more complex. When someone has spent over a decade maintaining a lie, typical advice like “be transparent with your phone” or “share your location” doesn’t address the deeper damage:

• Your ability to trust your own judgment
• Your confidence in distinguishing truth from lies
• Your faith in your husband’s capacity for honesty
• Your belief in the authenticity of your shared memories

Three Essential Phases of Trust Reconstruction

Phase 1: Establishing Basic Safety

Before you can begin rebuilding trust, you need a foundation of basic safety. This means:

• Complete transparency about the entire 12-year period
• Understanding that partial truths or “trickle truthing” will reset progress
• Clear, specific consequences if any new deception emerges
• His active participation in helping you verify his commitment to honesty

Concrete Actions Required:

• Full disclosure of all communications during the affair period
• Open access to current devices and accounts
• Detailed timeline of the affair and subsequent cover-up
• Written plan for handling any future contact with the affair partner

Phase 2: Processing the Extended Deception

Your husband needs to understand that “telling the truth now” is only the beginning. This phase requires:

• Space for you to express anger about both the affair and the years of lies
• Recognition of how gaslighting impacted your self-trust
• Acknowledgment of the power dynamic (choosing job/AP over your wellbeing)
• Understanding that rushing this process will backfire

Healing Markers:

• Your husband stays present during difficult conversations
• He initiates discussions about the impact of his choices
• He demonstrates patience with your need to revisit painful moments
• He shows genuine remorse through actions, not just words

Phase 3: Building a New Foundation

You can’t restore the marriage you had – it was built on deception. Instead, focus on creating something new:

• Establish communication patterns where honesty is the default
• Create new traditions untainted by the affair years
• Develop shared goals for your rebuilt relationship
• Institute regular trust check-ins and assessments

What Real Change Looks Like

The fact that your husband chose to reveal the truth in therapy shows promise, but it’s just the beginning. It suggests he’s finally ready to engage in real change. However, this disclosure is just the first step on a long road.

Genuine commitment to rebuilding trust shows up in daily actions:

Proactive Transparency: “I’ll be working late with Bob and Jim tonight on the Johnson proposal. You can reach me on my office line, and I’ll FaceTime you during my break to check in.”

Emotional Responsibility: “I’ve been thinking about how my lies affected you all these years. Can we talk about what you need from me now?”

Consistent Initiative:

• He remembers significant dates (when you discovered the affair, when she left the job) without prompting
• He brings up difficult topics himself
• He notices and responds to your triggers before you mention them

Timeline Expectations

The reality is that rebuilding trust after such long-term deception often takes as long as the deception lasted. Anyone pushing you to “move past this” doesn’t understand the depth of the betrayal.

Can Your Marriage Survive?

Yes, but only if:

1. Your husband fully commits to understanding why he chose deception for so long
2. He demonstrates sustained change through consistent actions
3. You both focus on building something new rather than trying to restore what was compromised
4. You see genuine effort and change, not just promises
5. He respects your pace of healing without rushing the process

The key in all these examples is consistency and initiation. It’s not enough for him to do these things when asked. Real change shows up in him thinking ahead, anticipating triggers, and taking action without prompting. It’s the difference between:

“You never tell me about your day anymore” (you initiating) vs. “Let me tell you about something that happened at work today that I want to be transparent about” (him initiating)

Or:

“Why didn’t you answer my text?” (you asking) vs. “I noticed I missed your text earlier – I was in a meeting. I should have let you know ahead of time that I’d be unavailable. I’m sorry about that.” (him taking responsibility)

These changes need to become his new normal, not something he does just long enough for things to calm down. 

Moving Forward

You get to decide what you need to feel secure. Some couples emerge stronger after betrayal, but only when:

• The betraying partner takes full responsibility
• Both commit to the hard work of rebuilding
• The injured partner’s healing timeline is respected
• Professional support remains consistent

Remember: Building trust back in a marriage is possible, but it requires more than just time – it demands action, understanding, and unwavering commitment from both partners, especially the one who broke trust.

Thanks for writing.

Dr. K