Ask Amy: Woman wanting to marry carries tough secret

Dear Readers: To mark my final week writing this column, I’m re-running some memorable Q&As.

Dear Amy: I am in the most loving relationship with the man I want to marry. We talk about marriage often.

He knows nearly everything about me. The last thing — the thing he doesn’t know — is my protected secret.

Seven years ago, I was raped in college. Few people knew, even then. It took me years to admit it.

Lately, I have felt guilty that I have not told my love this deep secret, not because it is painful for me to talk about (I’ve suppressed it enough to numb it) but because I don’t know how to bring it up in a way that won’t make him feel blindsided, confused, or even angry.

I feel like it’s something he needs to know, and I feel like I am hiding something, but I know I shouldn’t feel this way.

How do I position this and bring it up in conversation?

— Protected Secret

Dear Protected: First of all — I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you went through this. Understand that you get to feel however you feel, including feelings of guilt, sadness, and anxiety. The way you process this will likely change over time.

My own take is that you might start by reframing — to yourself — the language you are using to describe your rape. You think of it as a “deep dark secret.” It is something you are hiding.

Change your vocabulary. Remove words that suggest shame and secrecy. You are a rape survivor. Your rape does not define you. Your healing defines you. Your healthy relationships, your healthy sense of self, your personal, creative or professional successes — these things all define you.