They never promised that marriage is easy. Each couple experiences love and marriage in their own unique way. Similarly, the experience of falling out of love and the breakdown of marriage is unique too. But what is that final straw that breaks the camel’s back? Are you here looking to check if your reason sits on a list of reasons for divorce? Is there a right or wrong reason to break your vows and call it quits?
Honestly, the list of reasons for divorce is endless. And you may be having a hard time looking for your reason to be on that list or not. This is why we consulted advocate Siddhartha Mishra (BA, LLB), a lawyer practicing at the Supreme Court of India, to tell us about the most common reasons couples split up. If you are considering divorce and are wondering if your reason is a valid one, the insights of our expert and this list of the most common reasons for divorce will certainly prove helpful for you.
Common Reasons For Divorce Statistics
Marriage is not a cakewalk, and neither do all marriages end in ‘happily ever afters’. Gone are the days when promises to live together and support each other were upheld by married people despite problems and at the cost of at the cost of one’s self-respect and individuality. Many married couples now choose to part ways instead of staying in unhappy marriages. Yet, not every unhappy couple ends up divorced either.
Yes, it was true that 48% of American couples that married in the 1970s were divorced within 25 years. Statistics in 2005 in England and Wales suggest 45% of marriages will end in divorce before couples reach their 10th anniversary. While the USA and Russia lead the charts of divorce rates, India has one of the lowest divorce rates around the world at less than 1.1%. However, this too is increasing at the rate of 60-70%.
These figures however do not reveal the many stories hidden in them and why do people get divorced. These do not necessarily mean that where women are more empowered, divorce rates are higher. Even though most reports would list increased independence of women as one of the primary causes of the rise of divorce rates. There are still countries where there is an explicit law that states the married woman is to obey the husband.
Nor does it mean a higher Happiness Index in a country with a low divorce rate. Figures don’t reveal the modern trend of the couple now being older when they first get married than the previous generations who were married young. Truth often is not as black and white as data and digits.
Regardless, the rules of love do not change with time. Communication, trust, love, security remain to be the foundations of a healthy marriages. Which means the most valid reasons for divorce are not hard to wrap our heads around. Today we bring to you the top legal reasons for divorce. We hope it empowers you to avoid those mistakes, or to help take the decision to part with your spouse.
Related Reading: 7 Predictors Of Divorce You Should Be Aware Of
15 Most Common Reasons For Divorce
It’s not uncommon to hear of increasing independence of women, both emotionally and financially as one of the main reasons why divorce rates are increasing. Siddhartha says, “Divorce rate has doubled within these two decades. Whether it is parental interference or growing independence of women, awareness of human rights or education, there are many factors which are contributing to the rise.”
However he aptly adds, “It is the lack of commitment though which results in infidelity and extramarital affairs or other issues. These then prove to be the final straws for an already deteriorating relationship.” If you are faced with something like religious difference that neither if you are to be blamed for, it is the commitment issues that will cause the break of your bond.
So, yes, the divorce rates may have increased because women do not fear the repercussions of being “abandoned” anymore. Or, changing values are making individuals prioritize happiness than societal expectations. But, it is after all, an already “deteriorated relationship” and a lack of commitment that allow for the legal break up of a partnership. If you are looking for the pitfalls that lead to the end of long-term marriages, then here are 15 common reasons for divorce.
1. Financial incompatibility in married life
In this day and age, it is really difficult to continue with married life if the couple has different financial goals, making it arguably the number one reason for divorce. While one may believe in saving for retirement, the other could be working towards splurging with an annual holiday. One partner believes in the value of top-quality education for their children, but the other could prefer instant gratification in a luxury lifestyle.
There is a cost involved in your choice of alternatives, no income is ever limitless. One of the most common reason divorce reasons can be related to money management and financial problems. When couples do not openly talk about money and do not discuss money disagreements then the financial stress causes resentment to build up beyond repair.
Siddhartha says, “Money issues touches everything in a relationship. Ego problems frequently crop up when partners are not on the same page.” Whether it is differences in financial goals, spending habits, or one partner making more money, some couples head for divorce when they cannot come to a consensus regarding money problems. Not all couples are able to handle financial stress in a mature, sensible fashion, the strain is a common reason for divorce.
Related Reading: What Are The Consequences Of Affairs Between Married Couples?
2. Infidelity or extramarital affairs
Infidelity is arguably one of the top reasons for divorce. In fact, it is a legal reason for divorce. Which means that the law recognizes that a partner can divorce their spouse if adultery in the marriage can be proven. A married partner caught in an extramarital affair shows betrayal of trust in a relationship. This is a solid grounds for a divorce when the affair makes it intolerable for the other to continue in the marriage. Siddhartha, however, adds that it is often difficult to prove in a court of law.
Infidelity usually starts with an emotional affair. Emotional affairs often cloud one’s line of judgment and these affects marriages in more ways than one. Sometimes, it is possible to negotiate your path beyond the affair. Many couples have survived infidelity and made their marriages better through couples therapy. But this happens only if both partners are willing to put in the time and effort to heal together.
Most spouses do not get into an affair intentionally – it may be the cause for the marriage to break up, or it may be as a result of distances between the couple. Whatever the cause, there is no excuse to cheat on your partner and it is a common and valid reason for divorce.
3. Abusive relationship is one of the top reasons for divorce
Married life is not rosy and happy for everyone. If you followed the Johnny Depp- Amber Heard stories in the tabloids, you will also know how ugly it can get. Many often find themselves entangled in marriages tarnished by physical and emotional abuse. However studies have shown that women are much more likely than men to suffer intimate partner and spousal abuse. Domestic violence is more common than you actually think.
Not only this, emotional abuse by a partner suffering from personality disorders such as narcissism can be extremely cruel. Such a partner regularly manipulates their spouse through abusive behavior involving gaslighting, love bombing, stone walling, giving the silent-treatment, abandonment, threatening, alienating the partner from society, etc. These victims are battered for life, so it is best for them to separate from their abusive partner and find a safe and better life.
Abuse of any kind should not be tolerated and one should get rid of such a toxic relationship as soon as possible.
If you are physically threatened and in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.
For anonymous, confidential help, 24/7, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
4. Loss of individual identity
Even as one of a couple, it is important that you maintain your self identity. A marriage will naturally change you as you grow older and grow into your relationship, but it should not force you to be something you are not! You still need the space and support of your partner to be who you are, with no strings attached. But that unfortunately is often not the case.
Another one of the top reasons for divorce includes people feeling alienated from themselves. They feel that their individual identity and personal space are compromised due to their married partner’s expectations. When such feelings are left to fester, it causes a state of marital crisis that becomes difficult to resolve. To avoid that, you must learn how to nurture space in a relationship.
5. Communication problems are a major reason for divorce
To build a strong and healthy foundation as a couple, it is essential that you talk and understand each other. Fights and arguments are inevitable, differences of opinions are healthy, but you do need to find that common ground which is only possible by talking things out.
Siddhartha says, “Poor communication leads a marriage to disaster. It makes couples feel isolated.” Both spouses need to feel heard and respected. Constant criticism, bickering, too much conflict or snarky remarks and dissatisfaction in the time spent together indicate a lack of good communication skills. Mindful, honest communication may seem hard to put into practice, but most problems can be handled if a couple knows how to communicate.
Most divorce proceedings also involve couple therapy, and skillful mediation through a divorce checklist to ensure both parties move forward without harmful acrimony. Learn to communicate effectively to avoid having your marriage end up in a divorce as well as to have a harmonious divorce process in the face of irreconcilable differences.
Related Reading: Should You Get A Divorce? – Take This Divorce Checklist
6. Low intimacy levels is also a common reason for divorce
Physical intimacy plays a vital role in a happy and healthy marriage. However, you are bound to slow down over time with familiarity, increased responsibilities such as children rearing, newly developed disabilities, health problems and physical changes that may come with ageing. It is impossible to keep the honeymoon period going for an extended period of time. Even religious beliefs of one partner can cause sexual incompatibility in a relationship.
Sexless marriages are a huge reason for dissatisfaction among couples and a leading cause for divorce. Whether a cause or an effect, problems in sex life arises if there are misunderstandings, a feeling of being unappreciated and unloved. It could also have an effect on your self-image.
It is crucial to feeling intimate and close with your partner. Emotional intimacy is equally important. Even cuddling, or a swift kiss can change the mood. It does not have to be heated, passionate sex all the time, but small things that mean an appreciation of each other and simply making time to enjoy each others’ company.
Though remember, not all such marriages end in divorce. But if you are living as roommates who share expenses, maybe for childcare responsibilities, the estrangement may result into other problems.
7. Incessant arguing and fighting
Let us call this poor conflict management. In relationships, you do not threaten, issue an ultimatum or avoid a discussion when things get heated. Still, many couples believe that this is one of the good reasons for divorce. Why? Simply because if you are continuously fighting and have marked differences of opinions, then evidently you will not be able to live a happy life together.
The stress and isolation that comes from conflicts and arguing could also make someone look out of the marriage for comfort. This slowly eats the marriage away. There can be many factors that can provoke conflicts and arguments, such as:
- Difference in outlooks
- Difference in expectations
- Increased stress – financial stress, work-related stress, associated stress of surviving in a big city
- Cabin-fever or a lack of space
However, the real reasons for a couple to not be able to work through these issues can be poor communication skills and conflict resolution skills, a lack of commitment toward the relationship and lack of respect for the partner. It is important to understand why you and your partner snipe at each other and work through those difficulties. While this is a common cause for divorce, there is always the option of seeking the talk therapy from a licensed clinical social worker or a relationship counselor.
Although, not every couple at war with each other ends up divorced. The solution at times can be as simple as, Everybody needs a little time away/ I heard her say/ From each other/ Even lovers need a holiday/ Far away from each other, goes the song “Hard to Say I’m Sorry” by Chicago.
8. Getting married when not ready
All marriages come with their share of responsibilities and challenges, which a married couple takes on with confidence and pride. But many people get married due to several external forces instead of truly feeling ready to do so. This inhibits in them the will power to make efforts to sustain the relationship.
Sometimes, a marriage is forced and that leads to issues even before the beginning of married life. Sometimes, people who marry at a young age tend to feel that they took the step before they have achieved some of their other goals. The marriage keeps them away from focusing on their dreams. The discontentment of lost opportunities and broken dreams is one of the leading causes of a divorce.
In such cases premarital intervention or premarital education may prove invaluable. Premarital counseling teaches young couples various techniques to help resolve issues such as tenets of skilled communication, trust building exercises, how to talk about finances, discuss ideas of fidelity, even before taking marital vows together so that the couple has a great start at building a life together.
Related reading: Premarital Counseling – 12 Reasons You Should Opt For It
9. Lack of equality in the relationship
Usually, resentments in marriage fester when spouses are not able to live as two equal human beings. One partner might feel that he/she is given too much responsibility or he/she is not being allowed to take major life decisions. It may be a perceived inequality in the splitting of roles, of tasks, of household chores, of finances, of parenting, of expectations…. the list is endless.
Every couple faces individual challenges and needs to find a way out of them as two equals before the resentment combusts the relationship. Not every unequal marriage end up in divorce, though such relationships do need more work than usual. And inequality may become the burden on the camel’s back so that a little straw will immediately break it. So what to do to foster equality in a marriage?
Learn to apologize. Address your partner’s concerns. Be open to feedback. In fact treat it as an opportunity to learn and improve in love. One of the litmus tests of a healthy marriage is the ability to apologize without feeling demeaned. Or feel threatened of losing the other. You can, of course, “agree to disagree.” But it shouldn’t come out of frustration, rather from a space of mutual respect. What causes a divorce after all. A lack of love and respect.
10. Continuous interference from the parents
There was a time that joint families were the norm, but it no longer is as feasible. As people move away from small towns to urban centers in search of work, families have become more and more nuclear. With a higher pressure of population, or even where space is a constraint, living with extended families is mostly not an option.
Young couples too have come to appreciate setting up their own homes, their spaces and their lives separate from the older generations. Whether in the same physical home, or apart, couples have always needed their own time together. “However, sometimes, the interference of in-laws even when away can be overbearing”, says Siddhartha. At the same time, it is sometimes one spouse who refuses to set boundaries with their parent causing the other spouse to feel distanced from them.
Such interference leads to misunderstandings, between both generations, or between the couple and is often cited as a common divorce reason. It is being aware, a mutual respect as well as a conscious setting of boundaries that help at such times. It may help to learn about leave and cleave boundaries after marriage and consciously apply them in your married life.
11. Mismatching aspirations
If you have been wondering why do people get divorced when they were so much in love in the beginning of the relationships, here is another classic example. When two people get married, it is expected that both of them will have a shared vision of their future, dreams and interests. However, this is not the case for all couples. Couples often come together, enjoying the present, ignoring red flags, without having had enough discussions about their future.
Failing to see the future with your partner clearly and realistically is not an unachievable goal. Premarital preparation and relationship education can help couples learn more about each other, see if they have a compatible future together and avoid divorce.
Some couples need to find common interests, while others thrive in the time apart pursuing their own interests and coming together to share their experiences with each other. However, when dreams, wishes, goals, and vision for the future are not in sync, it is better to split than continue together. “No-fault” is also now a common reason for a divorce.
Related reading: 12 Realistic Expectations In A Relationship
12. Mismatching values
Just like a mismatch in future goals, a mismatch in values is cause for concern. When asked what causes a divorce, many reasons are listed. This one however is often left out even though this is one of the top reasons for divorce. Wars have been fought over ideologies. Differences of opinion when it comes to persecution based on race, religion, nationality, and culture, gender, sexuality, and even one’s political alliance have more impact on a relationship than you would dare to admit.
When two spouses have opposing values and/or morals, the marriage is likely to turn into a crisis. Imagine if a woman believes is pro choice and when she becomes pregnant realizes she wants an abortion, but finds out her partner is pro life. Or one spouse has a gay sibling while the partner was raised with orthodox belief system, it could be impossible for them to find a common ground.
Once again, premarital counseling and relationship enhancement programs will urge you to discuss these things before marriage so that nothing comes as a surprise and puts you out off in a way that you are put off the entire relationship.
13. Unrealistic expectations are one of the leading causes of divorce
Some couples come in to the marriage with unrealistic expectations or dreams that the other cannot fulfill. One partner, or both, may still be too immature for the serious effort of building a marital relationship. Instead of keeping realistic expectations from their marriage and having a clear idea of what it takes, a couple married young dreams of a happily ever after, or has unrealistic expectations influenced by novels and films.
When you have unrealistic expectations of the ultimate romance, you set up your partner for failure. This habit makes the other person feel constantly pressurized and he or she may ultimately succumb. In case the couple is not able to overcome such a disappointment, it will lead to a divorce. Understanding your partner and keeping your expectations real is crucial for a marriage to survive.
14. Abandoning your marital responsibilities or desertion grounds for divorce
Leaving your home, walking out, leaving by mutual consent is not grounds for divorce. When a husband and wife agree to live separately as a trial, sometimes to reevaluate what the marriage brings, this is not grounds for divorce itself. However, if a spouse abandons their spouse without any cause, or provocation, and for a certain period of time, this is considered as desertion grounds for divorce. This time period and other details can vary from country to country and state to state.
But if a spouse has good reason to abandon their spouse, then it is called as constructive abandonment. In other words, if the Court sees that one partner was practically forced to leave, or to not come back, then it is not considered their fault. For example, lock-out (changing the locks) or kick-outs. Or even in the case of abuse and emotional neglect.
However, this too, as per Siddhartha, is tricky legal ground to prove and that “the guilty spouse can easily maneuver around the law and deny justice to the deserted spouse.” Consult a good divorce attorney or law firm if you find yourself dealing with desertion and abandonment in respect to seeking a divorce.
Related Reading: 10 Things To Do When You Are Thinking About Divorce
15. Substance abuse
Addiction support groups have forever called addiction as a family disease for the way it affects not just the addict but their family. Substance abuse, such as drug abuse and alcoholism or binge drinking creates unstable family environment. It gives rise to other issues, like psychological problems, heated arguments, financial problems and physical abuse, etc. in a marriage.
It forces people to neglect their core responsibilities, both at home and work and creates an unsafe and detrimental living environment for the children as well. Ultimately, resentment develops in the other spouse and the marriage ends because of this drug or alcohol use. This study says that “A consumption increase of 1 liter of alcohol per capita brings about an increase in the divorce rate of about 20%.”
If your partner or you are dealing with substance abuse, look for online support groups or physical support groups in your area to take charge of your life.
Key Pointers
- Divorce rates across the globe are rising exponentially
- Primary reasons include more independence and empowerment of women giving them the confidence to walk out of troubled marriages more easily. Changing priorities of individuals that value happiness much more than fulfilling obligations is also an important impetus
- One of the top reasons for divorce includes financial incompatibility, infidelity, sexless marriages and lack of intimacy, domestic abuse, loss of identity and inequality in relationship to name a few
- Communication problems, incessant arguing, poor conflict resolution, mismatch in values and future goals, interference from parents, desertion and abandonment, alcoholism and other substance abuse are other valid reasons for divorce
- Premarital counseling, couples therapy when faced with marital problems, learning communication skills, trust building, are some of the ways to avoid divorce
- Consult a skilled lawyer if you must seek divorce
This list covered some of the major causes of a divorce. However, it is not an exhaustive list by any means. No two relationships are alike, just as no two solutions are alike. There may be many more reasons for divorce and unique solutions to resolve them. Do not take a hasty decision when it comes to ending your married life. Little everyday things can go a long way saving a marriage. Consult a professional to help you figure out where your relationship stands and what is the way out of this misery.
This article has been updated in February 2023.
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