Conservationists Confirm Only Remaining Species Are Humans, Pigeons, Dandelions

WASHINGTON—In an effort to draw attention to the earth’s continuing loss of biodiversity, officials from the World Wildlife Fund confirmed Tuesday that the only remaining species were humans, pigeons, and dandelions. “Yep, that’s it—there are a few thousand pigeons, some dandelions, and then humans are obviously still kicking around,” said WWF spokesperson Daniella Satrapi, explaining that there had been a horse and a little crabgrass last week, but those were gone now, too. “Not a ton of dandelions, now that we mention it. And a lot of people are dying. But the pigeons are going pretty strong. So enjoy them. We are going to miss dogs, though.” At press time, the WWF confirmed that a human had eaten the last dandelion in existence.