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Tag: Leaf vegetables

  • Conservationists Confirm Only Remaining Species Are Humans, Pigeons, Dandelions

    Conservationists Confirm Only Remaining Species Are Humans, Pigeons, Dandelions

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    WASHINGTON—In an effort to draw attention to the earth’s continuing loss of biodiversity, officials from the World Wildlife Fund confirmed Tuesday that the only remaining species were humans, pigeons, and dandelions. “Yep, that’s it—there are a few thousand pigeons, some dandelions, and then humans are obviously still kicking around,” said WWF spokesperson Daniella Satrapi, explaining that there had been a horse and a little crabgrass last week, but those were gone now, too. “Not a ton of dandelions, now that we mention it. And a lot of people are dying. But the pigeons are going pretty strong. So enjoy them. We are going to miss dogs, though.” At press time, the WWF confirmed that a human had eaten the last dandelion in existence.

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  • Parents Trick Child Into Eating More Vegetables By Hitting Him If He Doesn’t Eat Vegetables

    Parents Trick Child Into Eating More Vegetables By Hitting Him If He Doesn’t Eat Vegetables

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    DAYTON, OH—Insisting that it worked every time, local parents Lewis and Dawn Ladin tricked their child into eating more vegetables Wednesday by hitting him if he didn’t eat his vegetables. “I’ve found the best way to dupe my kid into eating healthy is to clobber him if he refuses,” said Lewis Ladin, claiming that sneakily smacking his son in the back of the head never failed to get the child to scarf down a full serving of broccoli. “If he’s being particularly finicky about having his greens, sometimes I like to hide cauliflower in a sock and wail on him with that. Now he begs to eat spinach rather than endure the thrashing.” At press time, Ladin told his son that eating his Brussels sprouts was essential for growing up big and strong enough to fight back.

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