CHAMPAIGN, IL—After failing to identify the legal owner within the standard 90 days, police officials announced Thursday that they would allow a local jogger to keep the body she found since no one claimed it. “We held it in lost and found for the mandatory waiting period, but no one turned up to claim it or even reported it missing,” said Chief of Police Dan Michaelson of the rotting Jane Doe corpse that had been tossed in the humid evidence locker for nearly three months, informing the jogger that it was all hers now if she still wanted it. “Most people who find something this valuable would have stolen it—or at least kept a few entrails for themselves. We get a lot of these that are completely empty inside by the time they’re turned in, if they’re brought in at all. So as a token of our appreciation for being a good Samaritan, we want to officially offer you ownership of this putrid torso that has been mostly eaten by maggots. You earned it.” Michaelson went on to reward the jogger’s patience with the bureaucratic process with a free item from the station’s loose limb bin.
