Weird: The Madonna Ciccone Story

It should go without saying that any “biopic” about Weird Al Yankovic—especially one overseen by the parody-maker himself—is not to be taken seriously. And yet, in the hyper-literal climate of today, one sadly does have to emphasize that point. In addition to the fact that he and Madonna never dated (to quote M during her cameo in a “Wayne’s World” sketch, that might happen the same day “monkeys might fly out of my butt”). Indeed, Weird Al himself stated that the two only met backstage in 1985 for about forty-five seconds and “that’s the extent of the relationship.”

That is, apart from Weird Al technically inhabiting the same male-dominated music industry of the 80s that was made up of other easily-rattled-by-open-female-sexuality pussy boys (e.g., Michael Jackson and Prince—both of whom M would exchange fluids with) who had less machismo than Madonna herself. Which was always part of why she got so much flak, hence her infamous aphorism, “I’m tough, I’m ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.”

And this is an image that Weird Al, too, is very okay with playing up in his “biopic.” Wherein Evan Rachel Wood clearly took all of her studying of Madonna’s character from Desperately Seeking Susan. This includes the gum-chewing, sexed-up, wise-cracking and pyramid-esque jacket-wearing details that persist for her entire, lengthy time onscreen. That’s right, Madonna has practically as much top billing as Weird Al himself. Who knows why Yankovic ended up so fixated on her as the “villain” of the narrative? Maybe, at one point, he wanted to bang her and knew he never could. Which is likely part of the reason he broke his own rule about never taking unsolicited “submissions” for parodies from the original artist.

But in Madonna’s case, who reportedly told a mutual acquaintance that it wouldn’t be long before Weird Al did “Like A Surgeon,” he made an exception. So yes, she did come up with the alternate title to her own single. And anyone who knows something about male psychology has an inkling that he probably wanted to get her attention by recording it. The same way he probably is now by spotlighting her as the conniving antagonist of Weird: The Al Yankovic Story—which should ultimately be called Weird: The Madonna Ciccone Story.

Based on a Funny or Die trailer Eric Appel directed in 2010 (with Aaron Paul as Weird Al and Olivia Wilde as Madonna), most of the scenes and dialogue from the original trailer re-material(girl)ize in this as well. Appel also co-wrote the new feature script with Yankovic, joking, “When Weird Al first sat me down against my will and told me his life story, I didn’t believe any of it, but I knew that we had to make a movie about it.” The real Al appears yet again as some variation of Tony Scotti, the president of the label (Scotti Brothers Records) that signed him. Granted, in the movie, Weird Al (Daniel Radcliffe) is made to have a much rougher go of being embraced by the label than in actuality. In fact, it’s almost as though Weird Al wanted to make a biopic about the version of the life he feels he should have endured in order to become so famous. Or at least “pretty famous for a Hawaiian shirt-wearing accordion player.”

For example, in lieu of an extremely supportive father who told him things like, “Do for a living whatever makes you happy,” he feels he should have had an oppressor father that was never pleased with or impressed by anything he did. Of course, that’s what “fans” and casually interested people alike want as well, with Weird Al also mocking the beloved sob stories of pre-fame singers before they used all that adversity as a means to channel it into becoming legendary. And then, obviously, they’re still going to want to see the inevitable drug addiction and other assorted excesses that end up driving everyone once close to them away. This played to further comedic perfection in Weird because Yankovic is known for having just one vice and one vice only: sweet treats. So to see him go on a guacamole-laced acid trip or proceed to binge drink only adds to the parodying nature of it all—The “Rock Star” Biopic.

The extent of Weird Al’s own pre-fame dramas seemed to basically include being an only child and later getting slapped with the name Weird Al by those in his college dorm who found him to be quite, well, you know, weird. Reappropriating the name that the cunts in his dormitory gave him in real life, the “Weird Al” of the movie is bequeathed the addendum moniker by Dr. Demento (Rainn Wilson, taking over for Patton Oswald from the trailer—though Oswald does make a cameo as one of the bikers in the biker bar where Weird Al performs “I Love Rocky Road”). Indeed, even Weird Al couldn’t bring himself to overstylize his biopic so much that it would exclude the importance of Dr. Demento to his career—he being the lone Pied Piper of the “novelty genre” as only Los Angeles radio could furnish. And Al’s shtick was nothing if not novel at the time. For, like Weird Al as his label president says, “Nobody wants to hear a parody song when they can hear the real thing for the same price.” Apparently, that was only because the market hadn’t been tapped yet.

Once we see Al ascend to the top (shown in a series of commingled time periods that flagrantly conflate the 80s and 90s), particularly after recording his own original composition, “Eat It” (again, a joke—for those who have no knowledge of their 80s history), it’s only a matter of time before Madonna shows up. And oh how prominently she does at around the forty-nine-minute mark of the film, under the pretense of seeing whether or not her “map to the stars’ homes” was accurate. And while some might have thought her appearance was going to be “brief,” her presence turns out to be a full-on running plotline for the rest of Weird as she connives to get him to return to recording parodies so that he’ll concede to doing “Like A Virgin” as “Like A Surgeon.”

From the moment Al opens his door to her, it’s clear there’s a certain contention-laden sexual attraction. Madonna likely getting wet when he asks, “Do I know you?” When he finally says, “Oh right. Madonna… Born in Michigan, Catholic schoolgirl, dropped out of college and moved to New York City with nothing but the clothes on your back and thirty-five dollars in your pocket. Maybe it was to become the Queen of Pop. Maybe it was to get back at Dad for marrying the housekeeper.” This last line in particular being the most savage—and something that no one has really dwelled on too much in terms of what might have driven Madonna to become famous (apart from the death of her mother when she was five years old). Though it’s no secret that “Daddy issues”/rebelling against her patriarch for his attention were a key part of it.

After some requisite repartee, filled with the kind of hokey lines Breathless Mahoney might offer up, the two quickly “consummate,” with Madonna using the same titillated exclamation she does in the Funny or Die trailer—“You’re so weird!” The pair is subsequently shown side by side in Al’s bed enjoying post-coital cigarettes in front of a mirror with the “Weird Al quote,” “If money can’t buy happiness, I guess I’ll have to rent it.”

Upon getting her to loosely agree that they’re boyfriend and girlfriend after “the romp,” he explains to her that, since he’s made it as a musician with original compositions, he’s not going to bother with the parody shit anymore. Thus, no “Yankovic bump” (apart from the sexual kind) for her “Like A Virgin” single. Madonna replies, “That’s what I love about you. You know what you want, and you know how to get it.” She adds ominously, “Just like me.”

Madonna then stares at him with a diabolical, wheels-turning look in her eye. Manipulation and “using” being what Madonna was known for throughout her rise to fame—climbing over people, particularly men, to get what she wanted. But again, this is behavior men engage in all the time without ever being called out for it or having it wielded against them, least of all in a parody movie. But perhaps what made M truly stand apart with regard to her ambition and drive was that she tended to be an equal-opportunity user, gender-wise, when it came to clawing her way to the top. As made evident by her first manager, Camille Barbone.

Knowing full-well Camille had a crush on her (worse still, was probably in love with her), Madonna made the most of that one-sided love to get whatever she could. Camille’s blind spot for her new “star” client (who had yet to become a star) caused her to practically bankrupt Gotham Management to keep her happy. In the end, though, Madonna wasn’t going to be “happy” until she was famous. And since that didn’t seem to be happening quickly enough on Camille’s watch, she moved in a new direction—real fast. Specifically, by shopping around a dance-ified version of a single she had already recorded, “Everybody.” Now known as the debut single that got her signed to Sire Records.  

Before the betrayal was even complete, Camille would assess (but verbalize much later on), “Sex to her was really just a means to an end. It meant nothing more. I actually became a little afraid of her then [“then” being when she deliberately slept with a drummer Camille had hired so that she would have to fire him, per the “rules”]. I knew I had created a monster who would eventually turn on me.” It was with this spirit of Madonna’s merciless, cutthroat nature in mind that Appel and Yankovic portray her onscreen in Weird. So merciless and cutthroat, in fact, that she ends up taking over Pablo Escobar’s drug cartel (part of a series of escalatingly absurd plot points). And while it’s all meant to be “hilarious” and “in good fun,” something about it feels a little too real (read: insulting). A little too like a genuine attack on the character Madonna possessed before finding Kabbalah, or whatever.

Maybe it’s modest, in its way, to make so much of one’s own movie about another (true) star. Plus, the 1985 mockumentary The Compleat Al already served as an “original” iteration of this latest “biopic”—so perhaps Al figured he could take some of the focus off himself here.

As for those who might question what Madonna thinks of her “presentation” in this “tongue-in-cheek” version of herself, it should be known that she’s still of the old school belief that all publicity is good publicity. Better known as the Wildeism: “There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” Besides, Madonna still has time to get back at Weird Al if she wants to in her own impending self-directed biopic. One that will hopefully not be interpreted as a parody.