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EQUINUNK, PA—Watching as more than 1 million people took to the streets in violent demonstrations across France, U.S. residents reported Friday that the intensity of the French protests must mean something crazy happened with the way M&M’s are marketed over there. “Seeing how passionate these protesters are leads me to believe they’re angry about a very serious matter, like a candy brand altering its cartoon mascot so that she no longer conforms to my very specific ideas about femininity,” said 49-year-old Pennsylvania resident Chase Henderson, who along with millions of other Americans reacted with a knowing nod to footage of cars being turned over and buildings set on fire, having identified anthropomorphic candy-coated chocolates as the sole possible source of upheaval. “I know that I wanted to riot when they made the green M&M character less sexually appealing to me by taking away her go-go boots. Maybe in France they did something even worse, like giving one of the M&M guys a lisp, which would certainly upset me. If that happened, I might suddenly become confused about which M&M I most wanted to fuck.” At press time, reports confirmed the weeks-long uprising in France was in fact a response to a new television ad in which a female M&M character is seen wearing a hijab.
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