ReportWire

Tag: Baseball players

  • Dad’s Entire Parenting Strategy Just Ensuring Son Doesn’t Become Yankees Fan

    Dad’s Entire Parenting Strategy Just Ensuring Son Doesn’t Become Yankees Fan

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    NEW CANAAN, CT—Sources familiar with the man’s role in his child’s life confirmed to reporters Monday that local dad Marcus Weir’s parenting strategy is solely focused on ensuring his son doesn’t become a New York Yankees fan. Beginning shortly after his son Miles’ birth nine years ago, Weir reportedly concentrated the entirety of his fatherly influence on making the boy a supporter of any sports team besides the Yankees, a project he initiated by acquiring several Mets onesies in his son’s infancy. Several reports indicated that as his son has grown older, Weir has provided little encouragement for the boy’s budding interests in Legos, hockey, and books, instead looking for any sign that his son might be entertaining thoughts of liking the Yankees. To date, the strongest show of emotion the father has displayed to his son reportedly followed an instance in which Miles said “This is boring” when Yankees slugger Aaron Judge was up to bat during a Yankees–Red Sox game. However, sources close to the family noted that Weir also expressed concern that his son won’t like baseball at all, which would undermine the careful work the father has put in to raise his son as a devoted Yankee hater. At press time, reports stated that Weir had shown his first interest in his son’s social circle, offering a tactful suggestion that a boy in Miles’ class who wore a Yankees hat to school was the kind of bad kid his son shouldn’t associate with.

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  • Astros Credit World Series Win To Subject Of Future MLB Investigation

    Astros Credit World Series Win To Subject Of Future MLB Investigation

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    HOUSTON—Following their victory over the Philadelphia Phillies to clinch the title, the Houston Astros credited their World Series win to the subject of a future MLB investigation. “We couldn’t have done it without the tactics that will be at the center of a wide-ranging probe by MLB officials roughly 18 months from now,” said Astros second baseman Jose Altuve, adding that his teammates would always recall the thrilling series as another stain on the franchise’s legacy. “There’s no feeling like this in the world, to know that you’ve won it all, and it’s all thanks to a clandestine system developed by our bench coach and put into action by a few players who will be the subject of rumors beginning in a few months, with everything coming to light just before the 2024 season. Ultimately, we couldn’t have done it without numerous violations that will result in the suspension of multiple players and coaches, and nobody can take that away from us, even though there will be calls to vacate our championship after this all gets out in the open.” At press time, Astros owner Jim Crane reportedly congratulated the team for carrying out the subject of the investigation in such a way as to keep him immune from punishment.

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  • Jose Altuve Still Can’t Get Over How Small He Looks Out There

    Jose Altuve Still Can’t Get Over How Small He Looks Out There

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    HOUSTON—Marveling to himself as he looked up at a replay on the stadium scoreboard, Houston Astros second baseman Jose Altuve was reportedly heard saying that he still couldn’t get over how small he looked out there. “My God, I look so tiny up there—it seriously gets me every time,” said the awestruck Altuve, adding that there was “no way in hell” he was as tall as his 5-foot-6-inch listed height. “You’d think that after a decade in the majors I’d be used to it, but every time I see myself out there, I just get totally blown away by how small I am. See me up there next to Yordan [Alvarez]? The height discrepancy looks ridiculous. Every time I see myself, I just can’t believe a guy that small can play professional baseball.” At press time, Altuve was asking those around him if he used a child-size glove out there or what.

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