Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: Is Honeymoon Sex Really That Great?

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

Last weekend, I got married. Well, technically, as I am writing this, the wedding has not happened yet. Hopefully everything went according to plan and I am now happily married. I am choosing to believe writing this ahead of time is not going to jinx anything. If it did, I blame all of you and you can officially disregard this article. I am feeling pretty good about it, though. My partner and I have been together for almost ten years and after years of going back and forth with whether we wanted to get married, we finally decided it was time. With the wedding (hopefully) behind me, it felt like the perfect time to talk about something that carries way more pressure than it deserves: honeymoon sex.

Somehow, honeymoon sex has become one of the biggest relationship milestones in our culture. It makes sense as for a lot of people in the past (and for some in the present) the first time they are having penetrative sex with their partner is on their wedding night. We are told it should be spontaneous, passionate, unforgettable, and nonstop. Movies make it seem like couples barely make it into their hotel room before tearing each other’s clothes off. Friends joke about packing enough condoms for an entire week. There is this unspoken expectation that because you are finally married, the sex should somehow be the best you have ever had. But I am sorry to say, I can tell you that reality is usually much more complicated than that.

For some couples, honeymoon sex really is incredible. Not because they suddenly became better lovers after saying “I do,” but because they finally have something they have been missing for months: space. The wedding planning is over. The constant decision-making has stopped. There are no seating charts to finalize, no vendors to call, no last-minute family drama to navigate. Did anyone else enjoy putting together their seating chart because I sure did. Instead, there is time to sleep in, explore somewhere new, laugh together, and simply enjoy each other’s company. That reduction in stress often creates the perfect conditions for desire to emerge naturally. When we can decrease activating our sympathetic nervous system, we can activate our parasympathetic nervous system.

Research and clinical work from experts like Esther Perel suggest that new environments and shared adventures can help spark desire. When we step outside of our normal routines, we often feel more curious and present. A honeymoon naturally provides those ingredients through new places, new experiences, and uninterrupted time together. That combination can make intimacy feel more exciting than it does during everyday life. Of course, novelty is not a guarantee of great sex, but it can create the conditions where desire is more likely to emerge. The best part is that you do not need a honeymoon to recreate that feeling. Even a weekend away or trying something new together can bring some of that same energy back into your relationship.

For other couples, however, honeymoon sex is extremely underwhelming. They are exhausted. They have spent months planning one of the biggest events of their lives. They have been surrounded by people all weekend, running on very little sleep, eating differently, drinking more than usual, and trying to recover from the emotional whirlwind of getting married. Some people need to lock themselves away just to regulate themselves. Their body is asking for rest while their mind is saying, “This is supposed to be the best sex of our lives.” Those two experiences rarely complement one another.

The pressure itself is often the biggest obstacle. Whenever we decide that a sexual experience has to be amazing, we stop being present and start evaluating. Are we doing enough? Is this romantic enough? Should we be having more sex? Is this what everyone else experiences? Instead of focusing on connection, we begin grading ourselves. As I often remind people, sex tends to thrive when we let go of performance and become more interested in curiosity. For example, If I focus too much on winning a tennis match, I am going to miss all of the cues that are needed for me to actually show up to be successful. Sex is the same.

Ironically, what makes a honeymoon memorable is often everything surrounding the sex. It is watching the sunset together, wandering through a city without a schedule, trying new foods, sleeping without an alarm, and having uninterrupted conversations that remind you why you chose this person in the first place. Those experiences build emotional intimacy, and emotional intimacy is often one of the strongest foundations for satisfying sexual intimacy.

So, if you are heading off on your honeymoon, give yourselves permission to enjoy it without turning it into a performance review of your relationship. Whether you have sex every day, once during the trip, or spend the first two days catching up on sleep, none of that determines the quality of your marriage. The goal of a honeymoon is not to have perfect sex. It is to celebrate the next step in your relationship. If great sex happens along the way, wonderful. If not, you have the rest of your marriage to keep discovering each other.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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Matt Lachman LPCC-S, CST

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