We’re building the first of twenty or so houses we’ll build on land we own. We’ve renovated a number of our rental properties, so we’re familiar with building codes and inspections, but we’ve never built a new house. As with anything new, that means we don’t know what we don’t know.
One thing we didn’t know is that J-bolts need to be placed within 12 inches of sill plate joints. Unfortunately we had already framed the house, so correcting that mistake seemed really complicated.
While thinking about how to fix it created some stress, what really messed with me was worrying about other unknown things that could pop up along the way, and what we might have to do about them.
That’s how anxiety and stress usually works. Ask someone why they feel stressed and they’ll give you a list: problems at work, concerns about their personal life, issues with their health… it’s rarely just one thing. You probably tend not to stress over just one thing, because you can deal with one thing. You can deal with feeling afraid about a specific version of the future. Or a certain decision you think may come back to haunt you. Or an upcoming presentation, or uncomfortable conversation with an underperforming employee, or a short-term cash flow problem.
Those “one things” are what psychologists call granular emotions. Unlike a general feeling of being stressed, a granular emotion is a specific feeling like “fear,” “worry,” or “anxiety.” On the flip side, compared to a feeling of unspecified happiness, a granular emotion might be “pleased,” “delighted,” or “excited.”
Pile them all up, though — pile up all your worries and frustrations and fears — and granular emotions tend to feel more general. Instead of feeling concerned, or uncertain, or hesitant, you start to feel stressed.
That’s what psychologists call clumping: perceiving emotions broadly rather than specifically.
And that’s a problem, because research shows that the more specifically you identify an emotion — the more granular you make it — the better.
As Marc Brackett writes in Permission to Feel: The Power of Emotional Intelligence to Achieve Well-Being and Success:
Participants who were deemed granular were better able to differentiate their emotional experiences. Subjects who were low in granularity — called clumpers — were less skilled at differentiating emotions (e.g., angry, worried, frustrated).
When the two groups were compared… granular individuals were less likely to freak out… when under stress and more likely to find positive meaning in negative experiences. They also were better at emotion regulation — moderating their responses in order to achieve desired outcomes.
The clumpers, on the other hand, scored worse on those counts, tending to be physically and psychologically ill at a higher rate than the granular crowd.
While it might sound odd, especially since we’re often told not to dwell on our emotions, taking the time to think about the reasons why you feel the way you feel helps you better deal with that emotion.
The same is of course true where others are concerned: helping a person who feels upset or stressed or anxious identify the specific source of the underlying emotions helps them better manage their feelings.
Try it. The next time you feel stressed, go granular.
First, identify the specific emotion. Never settle for “I feel stressed.” Instead, be specific. You’re worried about completing a project on time. Concerned about a relationship. Hesitant to speak up about a problem. Unsettled by a recent conversation.
List the reasons you feel stressed. Then describe the resulting emotion in a granular way. Take the time to think about the reasons you feel the way you do.
Why?
As David Allen, the author of Getting Things Done, once told me:
Most people try to use their psyche as their systemic process, which means issues gain importance based on your emotions. I’ve never met anyone who said they didn’t feel a little better if they sat down and made a list. Nothing changes when you write things down except how you engage with your issues: you can be objective and also be creative and intuitive.
Your head is for having ideas, not holding ideas, and it’s certainly not for filing things away. Without exception, you will feel better if you get stuff out of your head.
But don’t stop there. Then decide what you will do.
As Bezos says, “Stress primarily comes from not taking action over something that you can have some control over. I find that as soon as I can identify it, and make the first phone call, or send off the first email, it dramatically reduces the stress I feel.”
Step one, identify. Step two, take action.
Because, over time, that will help you to reframe a negative emotion as a positive. Say you feel nervous about an important sales demo. While nervousness is negative, the fact you have a chance to win a major account is definitely a positive.
Or say you’re concerned you won’t be able to deliver on a tight timetable. While being concerned is a negative, the fact your company can be a hero for your customer is definitely a positive.
Feeling pressured is an emotion you sometimes want to feel, because it means you’re in a position to do something meaningful. Something important. Something where the outcome truly matters to you.
When you feel anxious, or nervous, or afraid, reframe that emotion. See that stress for what it is: An opportunity to step in. Step up. Eliminate a problem. Overcome a challenge. Make your life — or someone else’s life — better.
Because you’ll never totally control your emotions, but you can better control how you manage them.
And, in the process, feel much less anxious and stressed.
The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.
Jeff Haden
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