Tag: Reality TV

Hello, and welcome to Miss Patricia’s Pet Cemetery. Here, you will see a collection of plaques for all of her departed pets, most of which have human names, a convention that has plagued the South at least since Reconstruction. There are Lily and Toby, Ashley and Rhett, Rocky and Nyla. And of course, my favorite, a cat named Kitty Kelley, presumably after the author of salacious unauthorized biographies about Jackie Kennedy, Nancy Regan, and Frank Sinatra. (Everyone who knows Miss Pat knows she still isn’t over that thing Nancy said about her at a cotillion back in 1977.) Now we are here to lay our beloved pug, Chauncey, to rest. If you can, please keep quiet and your photos to a minimum. We’ll now hear a eulogy from Austen Kroll, who was not a member of Chauncey’s immediate family, but they had a lot in common, like licking faces, soiling couches, and exceeding people’s expectations. Over to you, Austen: “He was a couch warmer, a confidant, a snack stealer, a friend. And those who knew him knew that what he lacked in brain power, he really made up for in spirit.” Thank you, Austen, that was both touching and funny. That concludes our tour of Miss Patricia’s Pet Cemetery. If you want to go inside the Stabin’ Cabin, we have a special exhibit on her son Whitney Sudler-Smith’s collection of rare guitars and matchbooks from bordellos around the world. Enjoy the rest of your stay.

Wasn’t that a wonderful tour and a fitting good-bye for our dear Chauncey, which happened at the end of the episode. Curiously, it was also when the episode ran the end credits, not during the final scene where Madison calls Venita to say that she is giving birth to her baby the next day. Were they afraid of putting the second AD’s name next to Madison’s big announcement? Anyway, the timing makes you wonder, is Madison’s daughter the reincarnation of Chauncey the dog, much like Trisha Paytas’s child is the reincarnation of Queen Elizabeth? Even if it’s not, it really makes you think about the cycle of life and death, how there are always people coming in and out of our lives, kind of like one great big reality show.

Honestly, those two things at the very end of the episode are the most interesting things to happen in the whole hour, as the only storylines we have to follow are Austen’s continued annoyance with both Shep and Craig; the love rhombus between Salley, Charley, Craig, and Austen; Venita and Salley being the best of frenemies; and why no one will date Whitner. Okay, the last one is more of a mystery than a storyline, but we shall see. Also, why can’t he and Molly just fall in love and get married and have a ton of Itchy Grass Babies? It’s what the fans want! Do it for us!

As for the trouble with Austen, Shep, and Craig, we get our first glimmer of it at the big dinner party that Whitner’s delightful parents throw. They play a game at dinner where there is a question under everyone’s plates, and they have to answer, which is apparently a family tradition. The game is honestly a bit of a flop. Has the Slagsvol family never heard of the hit party game, “Who Do You Trust Least Around This Table?” Always a guaranteed banger. Anyway, when Austen leaves the table to go to the restroom, Charley tells Craig that he needs to fix their friendship and tells Craig that Austen’s going through a breakup. Craig’s eyes bulge out of his head like he’s an extra in Who Framed Roger Rabbit and asks, “What?!?!?!” He’s shocked that he doesn’t know that Austen is broken up, even though neither he nor Shep has made it easy for him to talk to them about it. Charley tells Craig that everyone knows, which seems to make it worse.

After dinner, Shep sits Austen down to have a chat about his relationship because he wants to give him some advice. Madison tells him, instead of scolding Austen about his indecision, that he should ask questions and get Austen to open up. Shep, of course, ignores all of this and basically just tells him he needs to break up with his girlfriend. Austen tells Shep he doesn’t want to talk about it. Shep thinks that he’s being evasive, continuing to avoid a decision. He coaches Austen to be vulnerable. Then Austen tells him that he has been vulnerable, just not with him. He’s talked all about it to Rodrigo and Madison, a pair that I would trust to solve literally any problem: girlfriend issues, what to wear to a semi-formal event, the affordability crisis, how to get Gallery Girls back on television, and the collapse in the bee population.

It’s not until the next day, when Shep, Austen, and Rodrigo go fishing in the umpteenth adorable little shack we’ve seen on Whit’s family farm, that Austen finally tells Shep that, yes, he did break up with Audrey. Of course, neither Shep nor Austen can bait the hook because they hate touching the worm, a problem that my man Rodrigo certainly doesn’t have. That man really can touch a worm. But it’s Austen who caught the only fish, prompting Shep to make a joke about “catch and release,” which then becomes about how Austen always talks about releasing his girlfriend but won’t do it. Austen should have known this was coming, that by not answering Shep’s questions about it, he would be hounded. But I also get his motivation. Shep and Craig wouldn’t have consoled him or applauded him on finally making a tough decision; it would be a chorus of, “I told you so,” and, “Why did you wait so long?” and who wants to hear that when fresh off a breakup. It seems like Austen is prioritizing other friendships over these two clowns, who are about as good at giving relationship advice as Diane Warren is at winning Oscars.

On to the love-rhombus! Things are going well for Charley and Craig, who had a cute date out in a canoe while everyone else traveled around the farm and fought about their friendships. Salley and her extra E still aren’t quite over Craig, but she’s really trying hard to get under Austen. At dinner, Austen tells a story about stripping naked in a bar as a 20-something and she can’t help but interject that she wants to see him naked. When he gets up from the table at dinner to go pee, she asks him, “Do you need any help?” Finally, Austen has to say, “Down girl,” because, like loving cupcakes, it’s so obvious as to be annoying. And even still, Salley is like, “I want Austen’s dick.” Yes. We get it.

Salley has a lot going on with Venita though, which, honestly, is a fight I don’t understand. They have a talk in Whitner’s pool house with Molly and Whitner as witnesses, and Salley is still pissed that Venita tried to start shit between Molly and Salley. I don’t know guys. It seems like Salley is just salty that Venita was right about Craig and is holding onto this slight for ammunition. Venita already apologized to Molly about talking about her vagina prettying surgery (that is the medical term) and Molly has accepted that apology. Venita apologizes again here, but it seems like Salley is willfully choosing not to get over this to be mad at Venita.

That’s not to say that Venita behaved well in this discussion. When trying to explain herself, Venita tries to show the difference between herself and Salley and Whitner inserts himself into the conversation and says, “Why is that an important distinction?” Venita turns nasty at the drop of one of the dopey hats that either Austen or Shep was wearing at the party the night before. She tells Whitner to “shut the fuck up,” and he has nothing to do with this. Whitner points out that he was just trying to defend Molly, who he is clearly in love with and should marry. (I’m not giving up on this until it happens. Sorry.) It was an outsized reaction from Venita who should have either welcomed Whitner into the conversation, ignored his comment, or found a nicer way to tell him to butt out.

However, Salley then says that Venita was trying to “pin” her and Molly against each other, which is not the term, and then Venita gets teary and storms off. Salley calls after her, saying that Venita is always walking away, and she’s right. Venita needs to stay and finish one of these conversations. She needs to get snotty and snarly and cry-y and let all of the emotions out on Salley if not only for her own catharsis but also so that they (and us) can move on from the fight. But she doesn’t. Venita, in her Daisy Dukes, walks off into the itchy grass, hoping that her problems won’t follow her. But that’s the thing, they always do. Even when you escape the confrontation, even when you put those tough discussions off until the next day, as Austen did, they’ll always be there waiting, with their snarled heads and their rotted teeth just getting worse and uglier by the day.

One of the great mysteries of the Bravoverse has been solved! You might not have noticed it because it came during a sleepy scene where Salley and her extra e return home to hang out with her family and her new niece. She complains about the chickens she bought to impress Craig, even though everyone in the group told her it was a bad idea. She says the chickens stink, leave a mess, and won’t die nearly soon enough for her liking. Who is she telling all this to? Her sister, Clair. Do you see it? Clair. That is where Salley got her extra e from! She stole it from Clair! I’ve heard of intense sibling rivalries before, but even with Olivia de Havilland and Joan Fontaine (look it up), this is the first case of sibling vowel theft we have on record.

There are a few family visits, and with them, the interminable questions about when everyone is going to settle down and have kids. Even as Shep is giving Craig and Rodrigo a tour of his new house, Craig is talking about how Shep can get married and have two kids in that house and still have plenty of room. Craig, you have known Shep for more than a decade. When has he ever given any indication that he was interested in getting married, starting a family, or having home décor that wasn’t centered around surfboards, which would allow him to have either of those things in his life?

It is a bit different when Austen goes home to have a chat with his mom, Wendy. They start talking about his relationship with Audrey and whether or not he’s going to forge ahead or cut her loose. We all know the answer, but it is still interesting to see Wendy basically tell Austen he needs to get serious about something in his life. But Wendy’s request isn’t selfish. It’s not that she wants “grandbabies” to play around with. “Having kids was the best thing I ever did,” she tells Austen, with tears in her eyes and loss in her heart. “The best thing I ever did … don’t lose sight of that.” This isn’t the regular nosiness of this conversation; this is a mother wanting the same thing for her son that brought her so much joy in life. This is someone trying to share a gift, and for the only time this season, I will allow it.

After we watch Molly sniff her America’s Next Top Model weave, Craig explains how bee baths work, and Charley swoons a bit on her oyster date with Craig, the main action of the episode is the ill-fated birthday dinner that Whitney plans for Austen. It’s at a somewhat fancy place, and Austen, the birthday boy, shows up to meet the other OG dudes in the group wearing shorts. Shorts! Shep looked more put-together in the opening faux-sitcom scene of the episode when he wakes up in Craig’s guest room in a short-sleeve button-down and compression shorts. I know we can all take liberties on our birthdays, but if he had shown up in his birthday suit, he would have been better dressed.

The evening starts nicely enough, where Craig and Austen swallow their simmering resentment like they swallow the Nitrotinis that come steaming off the bar. It’s even sweeter when they all go around toasting one another and their long-standing friendships. Things start to take a turn when Craig makes a “preposition” that they will all be nice to each other at this dinner. That’s interesting coming from Craig, who is usually the first person to bring anger to the table. As Austen walks to the bathroom with Whitney, he’s already bitching about how annoying the “preposition” is.

Austen isn’t blameless, either. The two have been expressing all sorts of displeasure with each other for seasons now, to the point that everything one says totally pisses the other off. Austen won’t let Craig off the hook for anything, and Craig finds fault with everything about Austen. Whitney, of all people, described the situation perfectly. He says that Craig is a bully who will shout “Fuck you!” at you one day and the next day act like your best friend as if nothing happened. Austen is someone who holds grudges, so each time that happens, his anger ratchets up. What we’re left with, Whitney says in a way only he could, is “this circle jerk of stupidity and acrimony that keeps festering.”

It all starts to go awry when, countless drinks in, Austen toasts his friends, even though they are also sometimes his enemies. Craig says they were enemies in the past, but not anymore. Austen reminds him that just days ago he told Salley that Austen was his enemy. Craig says he felt betrayed, like Austen is always rooting against him, and tells us, in a confessional, that he thinks that Austen doesn’t share his value system.

The fight devolves until we realize what it’s really about. Like so many of these arguments, it is a fight about the show. Austen feels he was manipulated by Craig, specifically last season, when they had their discussion on the beach, where Craig talked about his addiction issues and how they were affecting their friendship. Austen thinks that Craig knew he had a lot of things to answer for in their friendship, so he brought up addiction to shut Austen up. Now, a year later, he’s back to his same old drinking habits, including at this dinner, where he has more glasses in front of him than the manager at LensCrafters. I felt like Austen was making a very valid point.

In retaliation, Craig says, “He just made my drinking problem about him.” That’s also true, but I don’t think it’s about the drinking problem; I think it’s about the lying. Which is true? Is it that Craig has a drinking problem? Okay, if that’s true, then the group needs to address why he’s drinking so much this season, and no one is saying anything about it. Or is the truth that Craig doesn’t have a drinking problem, or any other addiction issues. If so, then he certainly was manipulating Austen to not talk about their deeper issues. Shep says Austen’s comments are wrongheaded, but I think Shep is missing the bigger point. Austen doesn’t want to continue looking like a jerk for how he treats Craig if Craig is somehow misrepresenting himself or the situation. As usual with Craig, it all comes down to when (or even if) he is telling the truth.

Craig also says that Austen is a different person when filming, but doesn’t elaborate how. He then takes on a different, more personal attack, saying Austen blames him for his life being the same as it was five years ago. That seems a little below the belt. Also, how is Craig’s life that much different? Other than his pillow empire taking off, he’s still single, in the same town, on the same show, doing the same thing. What’s so different? That he has bees and an assistant who will murder someone to make Craig fall in love with him? Other than the business piece, Austen is in the same exact space as Craig. I also don’t think Austen is blaming Craig for his problems. It seems like Austen is just raising the issues he has with Craig, but isn’t pointing them out as the cause of problems in his own life. His annoyance with Craig and his annoyance with his business seem to be two totally separate issues.

Whitney and Shep are almost entirely silent because they’re just bickering back and forth until Craig eventually says that Austen hates him. Austen answers, “I do fucking hate you,” which Whitney tells him immediately to apologize for. But Austen can’t do that because he’s dissociating. In his mind, he’s somewhere else. In his mind, he’s somewhere safe, on the screened-in porch with his mother sipping an Aperol spritz and picking at a plate of nuts, olives, and other assorted snacks. The sun is slanting through the trees, creating pockets of light and warmth on the floral-print sectional. It’s homey, it’s comfy, it’s supportive in its way, and Austen thinks about his mother asking him when he is going to raise a child, and then Austen thinks that he’s been raising one for years — he just didn’t know that child was Craig.

There are three things that have little to do with the main storylines of this episode that I really want to talk about, so I’m just going to ramble for a bit, and if you don’t like it, well, there’s the door. (There is no door. The door is an illusion. So is the world and this text. Nothing is real. Surrender to the robots.) The first is the big reveal we’ve been waiting for: the names for Salley’s chickens. I thought there were only two, but turns out there are actually three, and they are named Cantaloupe, Coconut, and Popcorn. Yes, this is better than giving them people names, but isn’t it kind of disrespectful to name your chickens after food? Also, if that’s what you’re going to do, I can think of a few more names that are more appropriate. How about Cacciatore, Milanese, and Finger?

The second thing is that Shep returns from a trip and is going to live with Craig because his new house isn’t ready yet, which seems like malfeasance, and his old house is rented out for a tidy sum on Airbnb. (What housing shortage?) But the trip was to Cuba. How did Shep go to Cuba? Can Americans get visas to go there just to go fishing and jump off dilapidated bridges? Can he then get back into the country? Is ICE going to show up at his house? Or, wait. Do we own Cuba now? Was that like a BOGO with Venezuela? I live in England, and they gave most of the Caribbean back, so I don’t even know who owns what or can exploit their natural resources anymore.

Finally, the thing I really want to talk about is a possible Austen Kroll toupee reveal. I’m not entirely sure how to interpret this weird scene where Austen and his girlfriend Audrey are out on the little pier at Rodrigo and Tyler’s engagement party, but the fact that they included it in the episode makes me think it’s significant. Austen is trying to take a sunset selfie of them and says, “Oh my god, look at my toupee.” Then immediately says, “WTF [indecipherable word but maybe “Bookie”?]. It looks like I’m wearing a toupee. What the hell was that?” Then as Audrey is laughing, he says, “Do you still like me?”

The way I read this is he said, “Look at my toupee,” and then immediately realized that both Audrey and the cameras were there and didn’t know he had a toupee, so he changed what he said to mean it looked like he was wearing one. Upon realizing that Audrey now knows that he has a toupee, he asks if she still likes him. But is it really a toupee? It seems like he’s always had that hair, and if it is a rug, then it is unspookable. I mean, no shame in it. Good for Austen. There isn’t a single woman on any of these shows who is sporting her real hair 100 percent of the time, so if Austen wants to wear a wig, wear a wig. But the scene was odd, hard to interpret, and a little out of the blue.

All of the action in the episode, including the first-ever non–Drag Race wig reveal, happened at Rodrigo and Tyler’s Greek-themed engagement party, and most of it was somehow related to the Salley, Charley, and Craig love triangle, with some extra Venita thrown in for spice. Earlier in the episode, Venita goes to lunch with her mother, who says that Venita wasn’t being a good friend when she told Salley and her extra E not to call her when Craig finally dumped her. When Salley arrives at the party (looking stunning in a low-cut dress that shows Craig just what he’s missing), Venita tells her she misses her and tries to get things back on track. However, Salley isn’t that interested and thinks that Venita is trying to control her, so she just walks away.

Things are also in tatters between Salley and Charley over Craig. Charley meets with our girl Molly to do a little craft project, and Charley confesses that she’s anxious about her date with Craig. Charley is worried that things between her and Craig are “weird” now because of how Salley feels. Molly, very astutely, points out that things were “weird” with Salley and Craig because of how Venita feels and Salley didn’t care, charging ahead and doing whatever she wanted. Because of that, Molly counsels that Charley should do what she wants as well, which is to go out with Craig. I have no notes. Thanks for doing my job, Molly. At this point, should I be more worried about losing recapping duties to ChatGPT or Molly?

For most of the episode, Craig is trying to exonerate himself. When he recaps the situation with Madison, he says he did nothing to lead Salley on and Madison explains that the hot tub, the flirting, and the texts didn’t help. Craig admits he knew Salley was trying to stay that night, and he was like, “Okay, get home safe,” swerving her back then. He says if he wanted something to happen he knew that was his invitation. According to Craig, he never wanted anything more than friendship and said she could have stayed over just to be nice. Okay, that’s messed up. Shep, naturally, defends Craig, saying that’s just how he is; he was being his usual chatty, flirty self, and girls just take it the wrong way.

I don’t know, boys. Like three-day-old gas-station sushi, I’m not buying it. Yes, Craig was excited to have a new friend after his breakup with Paige, and his relationships with Austen and Shep were on the rocks, but if he had known she was trying to stay, he probably should have clarified the boundaries a bit more. He didn’t even need to tell her, “Look, I think we’re just friends,” but fewer invitations to the hot tub, a bit more talking about other girls he wants to date in front of her, a couple more tell-tale signs, and she would have gotten the hint. Craig should have made his intentions clearer before it got to the point where Salley had to tell him she was catching feelings in a livestock and feed store.

When Craig goes to talk to Salley, however, he somehow blames everything that happened on her. Salley seemingly isn’t upset that Craig cut her loose, she’s mad that he told Austen that he’s done with their friendship. Craig totally denies that he said that, even though it was, in essence, what he was saying. Craig’s response is wild. “You believe the guy whose main goal in life is to tear me down,” Craig says, referring to Austen as his “enemy” and getting upset at Salley for talking to Austen about him. When Salley says she didn’t know Austen was his enemy, Craig says that she knows how Austen treats him. Okay, but if Craig thinks that about Austen, if he really views him as an enemy, why is he even friends with him? Why is he even talking to him? And how is he turning this whole thing around on Salley when he said it and it’s clearly his fault? Some people love drugs, some people love sex, some people love money, some people love playing blues guitar with only a moment’s notice at an outdoor bar, but no one loves any of those things more than Craig loves being wrong.

After Rodrigo’s party, the whole gang gets in Shep’s party bus and keeps the party going on a night that will surely end in tragedy. Never go with Shepherd Rose to a second location. This is when the drama between Craig and Salley, and whatever is happening with Austen and Audrey, overlaps. All episode, everyone is telling Austen that he needs to tell Audrey that things between them are probably not going to the next stage of their relationship and fizzling out. Austen’s sister, Katie, tells him, “What are you doing if you’re not all in?” Even Austen describes their breakup as a meteor approaching Earth, one he’s trying to ignore for a little while longer.

When Austen is at the bar, Salley comes up to him to say that Craig told her that he didn’t say he wrote off their friendship. Neither Austen nor Salley believe Craig, which is what happens when you have a reputation for being as fictional as Anna Delvey’s credit report. Salley also tells Austen that Craig referred to him as his “enemy” and that he’s not Austen’s friend. Austen looks into Salley’s eyes and even deeper into her cleavage, and hugs her close to his side. He smiles at her and she smiles back and he runs his hands through his (possibly fake) hair and smiles even bigger and she giggles and looks back at the bar and back at Austen. Meanwhile, Audrey, his girlfriend, is sitting all by herself in a busy bar, the blues music landing on her shoulder like a shawl of gnats. She can’t even see it, but just past the moon, there’s a little streak, a little dot, that is a meteor getting closer and closer, accelerating at every moment, and getting ready for a crash.