Tag: impulse control

Two people can experience the same exact emotion in radically different ways depending on their mindset and perspective.

Ultimately, the beliefs you have about emotions are going to influence how you respond to them. This includes both helpful and unhelpful strategies you use to self-regulate your mood and feelings on a daily basis, which is one of the main pillars of emotional intelligence.

Psychology research has looked into what types of beliefs about emotions are associated with maladaptive strategies. One new study published in Current Psychology identified two types of beliefs that can lead to emotional distress and the development of mood disorders: “emotional undesirability” (the belief that emotions should be avoided) and “emotional uncontrollability” (the belief that there’s nothing you can do to change your emotions).

Both of these maladaptive beliefs lead to a passive approach to mental health. They amount to the idea, “All emotions should be avoided – and if they do happen there’s nothing I can do about it.” Naturally a person who holds these beliefs isn’t going to make much of an effort to listen to their emotions more closely or channel them in a more constructive way.

For example, if a person is overwhelmed with anger and they hold these beliefs, they will always rely on their “default response” however destructive it may be: yelling at someone, drinking alcohol, punching a wall, or storming out of the room. The person doesn’t believe they have a choice in how they respond to their anger, they only blame others for their feelings, so there are limited options whenever anger arises. They say to themselves, “When I’m angry, I act like this! And that’s that!”

When you remove any choice or responsibility for your mood and feelings (and how you act on them), you automatically limit your power. You end up becoming a slave to your emotions, rather than a master of them. That’s why these maladaptive beliefs can lead to serious emotional dysfunction and disorder over time, especially if we don’t learn the proper tools and skills for managing our emotions more effectively.

Now let’s learn more about specific destructive beliefs about emotions and how they can hurt our mental health and well-being. Do you believe any of them (or used to in the past)?

5 Destructive and Maladaptive Beliefs About Emotions

People hold many misconceptions about their emotions, but these are the most popular myths:

• Emotions Are Weakness – One of the most common beliefs about emotions is that they are a weakness that should be avoided. Whether it’s love, sadness, or fear, we are told to keep our emotions to ourselves, and any expression of them makes us imperfect and vulnerable. This is a myth especially common among men who strive to be as stoic as possible. Instead of listening to emotions and seeing them as a source of strength and knowledge, we bottle them up and are told to just “think with your head” and “be rational.” While emotions can be misleading and we should question our feelings instead of following them blindly or impulsively, the truth is emotions can contain a lot of power and wisdom when we can listen and respond to them in the right way.
• Emotions Should Always Be Positive – Another popular myth about emotions is that we should always “feel good” and never “feel bad.” However, even the most emotionally intelligent person is going to experience their fair share of positive and negative emotions, because it’s an inseparable part of human existence. Negative emotions are not only inevitable, they provide a necessary function that helps us navigate our world and live better lives. All emotions – including sadness, fear, anger, anxiety, and grief – serve a purpose and guide us. Without the experience of pain we would put ourselves in danger, such as keeping our hands in a fire until it is burnt. In the same way, negative emotions are uncomfortable but necessary signals we need to survive.
• Emotions Are Fixed and Permanent – Emotions come and go naturally, but in the moment they can feel solid and permanent. If you watch your emotions closely, you’ll notice they are always changing in various dimensions (time, intensity, frequency, shape), and if you wait long enough one emotion usually takes the place of another. This is the lesson of impermanence – it’s best encapsulated by the mantra this too shall pass, and it describes how every experience (sensations, thoughts, feelings, memories, imaginations) will eventually dissipate over time. Once you learn this, you realize that you don’t always have to act on every emotion to move past it, sometimes you can just sit and wait. There’s a mindful gap between every “feeling” and “action,” and we can experience an emotion fully without needing to directly respond to it.
• Emotions Are Uncontrollable – In the heat of the moment, emotions can seem uncontrollable. Once an emotion becomes too intense, it can often hijack our brains and cause us to act in ways we later regret. One key aspect of self-regulation is creating a plan for negative emotions before they happen. First identify one emotion you’re stuck in a negative pattern with. Then when you are in a calm and peaceful state of mind, write and brainstorm new ways to respond to that negative emotion in that situation. Put it in the form of an “if, then” statement: “If I feel angry, then I will take ten deep breaths” or “If I feel sad, then I will write for 10 minutes in my journal.” You can change your natural response to intense negative emotions, but like all habits it takes time, practice, and patience.
• Emotions Are Irrational – The last common error people make is believing that emotions are the opposite of thinking and that the two are completely separate. We falsely believe we need to choose between “thinking” and “emotions” in a given situation when often they are interconnected and work in tandem. Beliefs ↔ emotions is a two-way street. Thoughts can influence our emotions (such as an idea in your head that makes you feel good/bad), and emotions can influence our thoughts (such as a bad mood making you more pessimistic or cynical). Emotions are just another way of processing information from our environment. In fact our intuition and gut feelings are often described as super fast pattern recognition that happens below the surface of consciousness. In some situations, gut feelings can be a more intelligent guide for making decisions than our conscious logic and reasoning.

What’s your perspective on your emotions? How have your beliefs about emotions changed over time?

Personally, I once viewed emotions as mere background noise, something to be ignored or suppressed in pursuit of pure rationality and self-control. My journey into psychology and self-improvement changed my perspective. I began to discover that “emotions are powerful,” “emotions are a resource,” and “emotions are worth paying attention to.”

This paradigm shift was foundational in shaping my approach to life and one of my core motivations for starting this website.

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