The stress of period sex is still very real for me. And as someone who identifies as sex-positive — that’s hard to admit.
But it does — it stresses me out.
Particularly, getting my period whilst having sex. Like, those few days leading up to your period, where you know you could literally get it at any moment. Your stomach feels a little sensitive, your PMS is in full swing, you feel super horny — seriously though, I never want to have sex more than just before my period. The irony.
I think it’s the lack of control. The fact that all of a sudden I could just start bleeding during intimacy — particularly with someone new — it makes me uncomfy. How will they react? What if I dirty their sheets? Will they not want to keep f*cking me?
As people who menstruate, this internal dialogue comes from how we’ve been brought up to view our periods, says sex and relationship practitioner, Georgia Grace.
“Although we’re talking about periods and menstruation more than ever before, we can’t underestimate the power of the patriarchy,” Grace tells POPSUGAR Australia.
“We have these ingrained values that we’ve been brought up with, that still have some control over how we feel about our bodies and menstruation. As much as we might not want to be impacted by these things, there’s often a duality within what we want to believe and how our bodies respond.”
Unfortunately, experiencing shame around menstruating isn’t a singular experience. In high school, I literally couldn’t think of anything worse than getting my period unexpectedly and it leaking through my knickers. The one time that did happen, people pointed and laughed at me, and my friend tied her jumper around my waist and rushed me to the bathroom; as though it was a medical emergency.
Not to mention all the times I utilised my period to get out of things, like P.E. Despite using it to my advantage at the time, I didn’t realise the negative impact it had on the way I viewed my period. My teacher’s reaction was very much “I don’t want to hear about it, go do what you need to do”, which in hindsight — doesn’t project an accepting or positive vibe.
The general dismissiveness and lack of education and information around menstruation, both growing up and even today, in western medicine, is hugely impactful, says Grace.
“We’re not really having these conversations, still!” she says.
“Getting your period mid-way through sex can feel really overwhelming. Period sex can be messy — so can sex in general! It involves lots of bodily fluids and moments where you might need to have a conversation you’ve never had before.
“Period sex combines two massive things that people who menstruate have taught are taboo — sex and periods — together in one space. So, feeling stressed about it makes sense.”
I put a poll our to my 4.1k Instagram followers, to get their thoughts. Out of respondents, 45 per cent regularly have period sex. However, 54 per cent said that they don’t enjoy it, while 16 per cent haven’t ever tried it. The majority of people — 46 per cent — said that the reason they don’t enjoy it is because it’s messy.
This particular idea is one that interests me, because; who cares if we’re messy?
I think that as people that menstruate, we’ve been taught to be clean and tidy, to not be too loud, not make a mess and to deal with our pain and struggles in silence. Like Grace said — we can’t underestimate the power of the patriarchy; regardless of how far we’ve come with sex positivity.
Just think about it; people with penises cause “mess”. Each time you enter into a sexual experience with someone that has a penis, you accept the fact that you might get some cum on or inside your body. So, if that form of bodily fluid is acceptable, why do we feel different about periods?
Interestingly, I had a few of my male Instagram followers DM me about period sex, following the poll I put in my stories. Out of the five that messaged me, only one said that he didn’t like engaging in period sex.
“It freaks me out,” he said, “but it’s something I’m working on.”
Others actually pointed to liking it more than no-period sex.
“It’s hot,” a guy called Josh tells me. “Especially when they’re extra horny and think I won’t be into it. The surprise response is my favourite.”
Heavy, light or somewhere in between, Josh is into whatever they’re comfortable with.
“It’s never bothered me. You’ve just got to do a little bit more prep than usual, but that’s okay.”
The other three men who messaged me echoed his sentiment. They love having period sex because it often makes the other person hornier, and they love seeing their partner turned on.
Did you hear that, babes?
So, How Do We Get Rid of the Shame?
It’s all about examining and challenging our existing thoughts, according to Grace.
“You’ve got to think about where your thoughts, feelings, behaviours and ideas come from, and then separate yourself from them,” she says.
For example, if people have reacted with disgust towards your period growing up, that might mean that you instinctively feel that way, or expect others to.
Then, you need to challenge these foundational memories and feelings.
“Ask yourself: how do I want to think and feel and behave now? Yes that’s an idea based on a world I grew up in, but how can I challenge that actively?
“It’s helpful to speak to others any time these ideas come up. At what point do we start challenge that aren’t useful for us?”
But you don’t have to go all in and start asking the hard questions straight away. Grace recommends that you start within yourself, first.
This not only means examining and challenging your feelings and ideas, but also practising on yourself. Yes, you should masturbate while on your period.
“Exploring on your own, before you take it into the bedroom, is always a great way to start. That way you have space to get used to the fact that you may get blood on yourself, you can figure out if there’s a way that make you feel most comfortable, such as playing with an external toy over period undies, or keeping a tampon in.
“Self-exploration is liberating and empowering. It gives you the confidence you might need to react in a scenario with someone else in a clearer way.”
Also, it’s scientifically proven that orgasms alleviate period pain. Just sayin’.
Is It Okay to Just Not Like Period Sex?
Grace says that just simply not liking period sex, is normal and okay, too.
“Having the conversation with a partner is very important. In any sexual experience, you’ve got to consider the other person and what they like.
“I have a lot of clients who have an ick or disgust of bodily fluids. You can’t convince them to have sex how you want, whether that’s sex on your period, or a specific kink or something you like.”
For some people who menstruate, they may not feel good on their period and therefore; not really want to have sex.
“Everyone’s hormonal makeup is different. While some people feel horny and more in tune with their bodies on their period, others might feel heavy, sore and like they don’t want to be touched at all.”
However you feel, is right for you, but it’s definitely good to have an understanding of what you like and need, so that you can communicate it and get the most out of sex and pleasure.
“You might try sex or self-pleasure on your period and not like it,” says Grace. “But at least you have a deeper understand of yourself and your body.”
“Alternatively, if you discover that you’re super into period sex and your partner is not, that might be something you’ll need to work through together.”
After all, sex is really just a never-ending journey of self-discovery and a celebration of the magic that can be sparked through connection between humans.
It wouldn’t be spicy if there weren’t a few mental challenges to overcome.
*rolls over to plug in vibrator*
I know what I’m experimenting with tonight.
Laura Roscioli
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