Vanderpump Rules Recap: Pump It Up

Remember back in the day when the cast of Vanderpump Rules had undiagnosed drug problems they would rather do nothing about? Remember how much fun that was? Remember fighting about the “pasta” and Jax Taylor’s very obvious cocaine sweats as he whipped off a chunky knit to fight in a Vegas parking lot? Oh, those were the days. Now we have Shayne talking about being off fentanyl and meth for more than a decade and we can’t even make fun of him. He wants to get help. He wants to stay sober. What do we even do with this? Is this what we signed up for?

I’m kidding, of course, and I support Shayne on his sober journey. He’s not even Cali sober like DJ James Kennedy; he gave up weed, mushrooms, ketamine, and DMT years ago. He tells Marcus that he picked up a bottle of kratom and was thinking about using it. DMT? Kratom? What even are these drugs? Am I so old and uncool that the kids invented all new drugs when I wasn’t looking? Should I, I don’t know, maybe try them? No, no, no, no, no, no. That seems like a bad idea. It’s also a good idea that Shayne isn’t doing them either since the last time he picked something up, he ended up in a two-year relapse.

Shayne tells us that he learned about drugs from his family members, who introduced him to all of these substances. It’s come up again because his family — his father, Shayne; his mother, Shane; and his sister, Shaine — is visiting to see the premiere of his short film, and they’re on drugs, and that is a giant trigger for him. Learning more about his family made everything about his personality click into place. It’s the same as when Natalie tells us that she had a “toxic” childhood with a difficult mother who used to say, “I love you, but I don’t like you,” and that she has no relationship with her mom. It’s like, “OOOooooooh. This all makes so much more sense now.”

It was sweet to see the Shaynes at Shayne’s movie premiere. Knowing everything I know, it’s going to be so hard not to make fun of the poky little venue — that the footage looked cheaper than buy-one-get-one-free ramen packets, that it was part of a triple bill. The best thing that can be said about Shayne’s performance is that he really fills the hell out of a tank top. Now that we know everything he’s been through, I really don’t want to say those things. I should just be nice about all of it: all of his Hollywood dreams, all of his happy endings.

Instead, maybe we should make fun of Shayne’s friend Marcus and what happened between him and Kim at the after-party. When they arrive, Marcus tells Kim that she’s giving “too many special hugs” to people. Um, we saw the footage. There was nothing special about any of those hugs. Those hugs were less special than an episode of Diff’rent Strokes in which a photographer tries to touch Arnold in his bathing-suit area. In his confessional, Marcus says Kim yelled at him about him hugging Natalie, so he’s bringing it up only because she started it.

I’m sorry, but this is a radioactive whirlpool worse than flushing weaponized uranium. She says something to him; he gets retribution by being jealous of her; she texts him “I love only you”; he ignores her; she cries in the bathroom, ruining her mascara; her friend buys her a drink; he continues to ignore her; she says if he keeps this up, he’s going to lose her; the next morning, she takes him back and doesn’t bring it up; he knows he’s never going to lose her; and they do it over and over again until they ruin both their and their children’s lives. This whole dynamic is absolutely terrible, and someone needs to tell Kim to run. Ruuuuuuunnnnnn. Run like the wind. Run like cheap stockings. Run like the world’s last refrigerator. Run like Forrest Gump with the braces falling off his legs as he goes right into every war and onto every shrimp-fishing boat in the world. RUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN.

To her credit, Demy tells her something like this. First, she tries to intervene and get Marcus to treat his girlfriend like a human being by ordering her a cocktail called a Boo Bear, which is the most inappropriately-named cocktail to get in the middle of a domestic mishap. Then she goes to the ladies’ room to check on Kim and finally says, “He’s never going to change. This is who he is.” Exactly. This is who he is. This is how it is always going to go, and while Kim might think she deserves it or that this is what love looks like, she doesn’t, and it’s not, and I hope she realizes it soon and keeps this corrosive sludge off our television forever.

Oh my God, can we talk about something fun? How about penis pumps and merch shoots? Those seem fun, and that’s what most of the episode was about. Angelica arrives at TomTom for a photo shoot for “Shag the Chef” aprons and the ugliest bejeweled hoodies that fell out of Ed Hardy’s backside, and she’s having lots of nerve pain from her time at the jujitsu studio with Jason. Poor guy — he thought he was going to a pussy palace, pussy palace, pussy palace, but it was just a dojo, dojo, dojo. When she’s crying about her back pain, Lisa Vanderpump asks her what’s wrong, and she tells her about her back pain but also that Jason gave her the ick because he has an OnlyFans and a penis pump. She then asks Lisa if she knows what that is and Lisa feigns ignorance, but come on — she was once a young lady in swinging London. She knows.

Thankfully, Chris, Jason’s identical cousin, explains in his confessional that it’s not for erectile dysfunction. He says he uses one because he is on OnlyFans and trying to overdeliver. “If you go to a steakhouse, you don’t want a normal steak,” he says. “You want something, thick, juicy, and a little intimidating.” Whooo. Yes, boy. Amen. I’m going to need to fan myself. Also, I don’t think I’ll need that pump for the next 15 minutes or so.

Angelica keeps bringing up this penis pump, and Chris finally tells her that it’s disrespectful. In this moment, I agree with Angelica. It’s hard to have a pornographic account and then get a little precious when people find out you’re also pumping the penis. I’m glad that, between the filming of this scene and his confessionals, Chris is ready to own both his account and his pumping. It’s just that Angelica was being really annoying in the moment, and he’s right: She was bringing it up to embarrass them.

But this is the last time that I’m going to agree with Angelica for the rest of the episode. When everyone at the photo shoot goes from TomTom over to SUR, she tries to talk to Jason about everything that’s going on, and he tells her that he has to go check on his tables because he is currently working two of his jobs (and three, if he takes a dick pic in the bathroom while Demy isn’t forcing him to check his section). She says he’s not paying her enough attention or even apologizing, and it is neither the time nor the place for this conversation. There is a table of very unhappy bears who need refills on their mimosas and another order of French toast for the table, and they need Jason to come over and take that order so they can watch him walk away in the tight pants that Lisa forces the SURvers to wear because she knows how to keep a table of hungry bears happy and it is ass.

The penis pump comes up again when Angelica pulls Audrey aside at Shayne’s premiere party for a little chat. Audrey tells her that her trust was broken when Angelica kept bringing up the penis pump at the Ed Hardy Wannabe shoot. Angelica went back to her old arguments, blaming it all on Jason. She says if Jason didn’t want people to know about it, then he should have put it in a drawer rather than in the shower. She thinks she could go online and sign up right now to watch him using the penis pump. Angelica is totally missing the point here. It’s not about the pump; it’s about sharing something that Audrey told her in confidence. As Audrey points out, they were drinking matcha in their PJs, having a little kiki (in front of at least two cameras, a sound guy, and a producer). Audrey says that the way she brought it up was fun and as a joke, but Angelica was bringing it up as a way to shame Jason for both his porn career and the, ahem, tools of the trade. I think Audrey might be the only person on this whole damn show whom I actually like.

As Audrey tells Angelica that she doesn’t want to be her little sister, that she’s just going to be cordial to her from now on, two new people join the party. The gay guy says he just needs to say “hi” to the kids who work for him; he needs to make a little appearance at this work party. He brings Katie Maloney Schwartz Maloney for one drink before they stop off at Junior Cookies for half a dozen of the Heather Dubrow special. She sees two girls fighting over who is a better friend; she sees a woman trapped in a toxic relationship with a man who is too mean to leave and too nice to let her go; she sees them all drunk, all making mistakes, all thinking about calling in sick the next day when their co-workers know exactly what they were up to. She’s been here. She’s been them. She’s had all the Boo Bears and turned down all the pasta. “I just …” Katie says as she turns straight around and waits for her friend in his car, dreaming about gluten.