Why You Keep Attracting the Wrong People

There are two problems I hear about the most when it comes to people trying to find love. The first is that they can’t find anybody, and the second is that they just seem to keep attracting the wrong people.

Today, I want to look at a few root causes of the latter, as well as offer some helpful suggestions for breaking free from this.

There’s a difference between ‘attracting’ and ‘engaging with’

There’s a super important nuance we need to cover first that gets overlooked in this discussion. Often, when people say they are attracting the wrong person, that’s not quite what they mean.

Attracting the wrong person means the wrong people keep reaching out to you, talking to you, hitting on you, etc., but that’s as far as it goes. What I’ve found, though, is this is not really what people mean when they say that. What they actually mean is that not only are they attracting the wrong people, but they’re engaging with these people, talking with them, going on dates, etc. and then finding out they are the wrong person.

In other words, it’s a difference of the timing of when you realize that they’re the wrong person.

A small percentage of people are referring to being able to tell right away that they’re the wrong person. That said, I believe the majority of people are actually referring to people seeming like the right person initially, and then finding out later that they’re the wrong person.

The bulk of this discussion is going to center around the latter because at the end of the day, you can’t really control how other people are going to act in life. There may be a few things you can do to deter those types of people from reaching out (which we will cover today), but people are going to do what people want to do.

With that said, let’s dig in.

Analyze what you’re advertising

The first reason you may be attracting the wrong people is based on what you’re putting out into the public. Here’s an analogy. Let’s say you run a wine bar, and you want to attract an elevated “fancy” crowd. Do you think you’ll be successful if you run ads that say things like “2 for 1 Jager bombs!” or “Boozy Brunch – Drink till it hurts!”?

I’ll answer that for you. You won’t. The same can be said about how you’re choosing to “put yourself out there.”

If your dating profile is filled with scantily clad photos of you partying and you keep attracting guys or gals who aren’t looking for anything serious, you really shouldn’t be that surprised.

Or if you go out and are partying hard and wonder why only party animals approach you? Again, not trying to pick on the party crowd here, but you shouldn’t be surprised.

The best first step I can give you here is to audit literally every aspect of you that is public. You don’t have to change who you are or hide what genuinely makes you, you. However, you do need to understand how you “advertise” yourself is going to get the outcomes it asks for.

Analyze where you’re looking

The second reason you may be attracting people you aren’t interested in is where you’re looking. An example I use all the time is that if you’re looking for a serious relationship on Tinder, you probably shouldn’t be surprised when you attract the wrong people.

Or if you’re going out late to the bar on a Thursday night and wondering why you don’t meet someone who works a traditional job, you shouldn’t be surprised. These people are generally at home and in bed because they have work in the morning (unless they work something like a service industry job).

Even if you’re advertising it right, doing that in the wrong location is not going to produce the desired results.

The Big One – Analyze your evaluation criteria

If you’ve made it through the first two reasons you may be attracting the wrong people, awesome. I’d now encourage you to buckle up because we’ve gotten to the big elephant in the room. This one is going to require a decent amount of introspective looking and will require some actual work to fix.

But! The positive is that this is also the one that will have the biggest impact on you attracting and engaging with higher quality singles.

What I’m talking about is your evaluation criteria. Here’s another analogy because you know I love them. Imagine you are in charge of the crowd at an event and you start to have a huge problem with drunk people at the event. Even though you don’t serve alcohol at the event, this is happening.

What’s the first thing you’re going to do to fix it? Well, if it were me, the first thing I would do is head to the gate agents and security and ask them what they’re doing to screen people before they come in.

My event being attractive to drunk people is one thing, but those people actually getting into the event is the real problem. This is very much like what we’re talking about today. Remember when we talked about the timing of realizing when you saw they were the wrong person? When you realize BEFORE they get into your life, it’s really not a problem. But once you let them through that proverbial gate into your life, now it’s an issue because they can start messing things up.

So, in honor of my sub-par cheesy analogy, let’s take a look at how you are gatekeeping your romantic life.

Gatekeeping your romantic life

I want to start this section by asking you a few questions:

• What sort of criteria are you using to determine who you talk to or go on dates with?
• What is your process for evaluating a match before deciding to invest your time and emotions on them?
• What are the exact deal breakers that you check for (when possible) before going out with someone?

If you weren’t able to definitively answer these questions without any hesitation, that’s a problem. Even if you were able to answer them, if your answer about process wasn’t systematic and well organized, there is a lot of room for improvement.

You have to start with a mindset shift. Your time is important. You are valuable. You are not desperate. Because of this, people need to demonstrate that they are worth your time and emotional investment.

Let me share a huge business mistake I made early on in my career that is pertinent. I used to LOVE having meetings. Why? It made me feel like I was really doing business. I felt important. However, when I made the transition from want-repreneur to entrepreneur, I realized success wasn’t about looking the part, it was about accomplishing the most with an effective usage of my time.

Now, instead of giving someone a meeting just because they ask for one, I qualify if it’s worth the time to take the meeting.

You should be doing the exact same in your dating life. Before a match gets any of your time, you need to make sure they are worth it.

How do you do this? Here are a few tips.

• Start by reading their entire profile. Don’t over-read into things, but see everything they say.
• Take what they say at face value. Don’t make excuses about how you might be misinterpreting things. If someone shows you who they are, believe them.
• Ask meaningful questions when you chat. Don’t just ask how their day is when you’re gauging if it’s worth a date. Ask them real questions. Get to the heart of some of your deal breakers. Yes, you should be tactful here and you don’t want to get too personal too quickly, but there are plenty of things you can ask about to learn more.
• Know your deal breakers. The only way the last tip works is if you actually know what your deal breakers are. Take time to really assess your wants and needs.
• Don’t be afraid to end the conversation and walk away. Lastly, when it doesn’t feel right or you find something that makes it a bad fit, walk away. Don’t keep running down the path that you know is wrong just because it might be convenient or feel good

My closing thoughts

At the end of the day, unsuccessful dates and relationships are generally actually positives. They always get you one step closer to finding the right person. However, if you have too many of them and they monopolize your time, you will have problems getting the results you want.

Hopefully, some of the insight and tips shared today help you to better set yourself up for success. You may still have relationships and dates that don’t work out, but you at least can increase your odds of success in a faster time frame.