“Where’s your dad?”
I was trying to hide the frustration in my voice. I wasn’t doing a great job.
On Mondays, my father-in-law takes care of our youngest daughter as my wife and I work from home. Sometimes, though, other things get in between. “Papa” has a kind soul, and it’s hard for him to say no when asked for help.
“Oh, I forgot to tell you,” my wife replied. “He’s taking Stephen to the doctor.”
“Ugggh, it’s always something,” I thought to myself.
Before I said something I’d later regret, I broke into my toolbox of emotional intelligence frameworks.
First, the 3-Question Rule:
- Does this need to be said?
- Does this need to be said by me?
- Does this need to be said by me, now?
Nine times out of ten, these questions are enough to shut me up. Even if I decide that something needs to be voiced, by me, if I’m in an emotional state, I often determine that it’d be better for me to wait and say it later, once I’d calmed down.
This wasn’t one of those times.
It was time to move on to the next framework: How you say it. As in, it’s not just what you say, but how you say it. I knew I wanted to speak up, but I also wanted to be careful not to sound like a self-centered jerk. Which led me to the next tool: Try to understand.Basically, this framework helps me to slow down and practice empathy, to try and see things from the other person’s perspective.
“Oh wow,” I said softly. “I guess Stephen can’t drive anymore.”
Stephen was a family friend, and he’d been struggling with knee problems for the past few years. I guess that’s what spending much of your life as a truck driver will do to you.
“Yeah,” my wife replied. “Dad says he can barely walk. That’s what the appointment’s about—they’re looking at a knee replacement.”
Suddenly, my perspective changed. I wasn’t frustrated anymore. Papa was doing a good thing for someone we cared about.
Now it was time for a different framework: Use the difficulty.I learned this one from actor Michael Caine, who used it in his stage career. It basically says when you run into difficulty, don’t complain, or allow it to paralyze you. Instead, find a way to make it work for you.
How could I use the difficulty?
Quickly, I saw this as an opportunity to:
Practice my Mission, Vision, Values (MVV): This is another framework that forces you to clarify your professional and personal mission or purpose, along with your aspirations (vision) and guiding values, or principles.
Be the change: Our teenage son was home sick from school, so he was listening in on the entire conversation. He’d learn much more from my example in this situation than whatever I try to tell him what to do.
The Rule of Writing: Shortly after all this happened, I went to the office to make notes on the entire story so I wouldn’t forget. It’s a perfect real-life example of how I use my EQ Toolkit to manage my emotions and make better decisions, and a great way to illustrate their value to others.
This is what it looks like to use emotionally intelligent frameworks in real life. I often compare it to a chess game, but with higher stakes. In the past, a situation like this could quickly cause me to get stuck in a cycle of negative emotions. I’d often think selfishly, lack empathy, and make a thoughtless or hurtful comment.
It would make me sound like a jerk. I guess, I kind of was being a jerk. And that would create a temporary rift between my me and my wife, colleagues, or other people I cared about.
In contrast, these tools help me to exercise my empathy muscle. They help me to be more flexible, more adaptable, and to communicate more effectively, in a way that moves me towards my goals, instead of away from them.
This morning’s scenario was almost over. My wife and I would take turns looking after our daughter, between the day’s tasks and responsibilities. But there was one more framework I needed to apply.
“You’re a good person,” I gently told my wife, as I gave her a kiss on the cheek.
“Why?” she asked, curious.
“You’re kind and empathetic,” I replied. “I learn a lot from you.”
The day went much better than it could have. My father-in-law helped a good friend, we managed, and I found a way to leverage the experience for my own good—and hopefully, to help others, too.
That’s the power of emotionally intelligent frameworks. They help you make emotions work for you, instead of against you.
The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.
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Justin Bariso
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