The Pause That Makes You a Better Leader

I haven’t yet come across a person who doesn’t react to emotional triggers. You may find what I’m about to say annoying, but it’s the truth: Those moments when you feel triggered are the best learning opportunities. When your emotions are driving your actions, that’s the ultimate time to pause, reflect, ask yourself a few key questions, and incite real change. It’s what radical self-inquiry is all about. In the end, it will, after a few tries, make you a better leader.  

What your triggers are trying to tell you 

When somebody says or does something that results in an emotional hailstorm, you may react in ways that you don’t quite understand. You may say things that you don’t truly mean or regret actions you took in a heated moment. When you look back on the situation, you may even find yourself feeling remorse or embarrassment. However, when you pause and process those emotions in moments of calm, that means that you’re ready to listen to yourself.  

It’s often true that emotional triggers come from the past. My long-time former therapist used to say, “If it’s hysterical—meaning over the top in our reaction—it’s historical.” Somewhere deep within you, there’s likely a younger version of yourself—a scared child who was hurt and never fully healed. That child still speaks through your triggers, asking you to notice, to listen, and to help them finally process what was left unresolved. 

Questions to ask your inner child  

Children lack the capacity to pause and reflect on whether a threat is real. They treat everything like a valid threat, whether it is or not. However, as an adult, you have the capacity to ask yourself some key questions.  

• Is the thing that’s frightening or angering me a real threat? Is it a historical threat or something that scared you as a child?  
• What part of myself feels threatened? Why? What is it that I am afraid will happen?  
• Is the fear I’m feeling valid? Will something bad actually happen, or is this something that happened in the past?  
• Take note of the physical sensations you feel during that heated emotional moment. Is your face red? Heartbeat racing? Can you reason?  

Teaching yourself to pause 

When I tell my clients to pause before reacting, it usually goes like this: “I did it once, but pausing doesn’t work because I keep reacting. Things keep triggering me.” However, finding yourself in the exact emotionally charged moment repeatedly doesn’t mean that pausing isn’t working. It means that you are learning a new way to heal your inner child, and that will take practice.  

It can take months to form a new habit. The important thing is to be consistent. Every time you find yourself being triggered, pause, reflect, and ask yourself the questions above to work on healing your inner child.  

It won’t be easy, perfect, or mess-free. However, if you persist long enough and work on your response pattern, you will find that one day the things that trigger you no longer have the same power over you. At that time, you will also be able to set your scared inner child free.