Have you dated someone you find so amazing and impressive that you almost start to feel not good enough for them? We become pleasers and find it almost impossible to set any kind of boundaries for fear that this will drive them away and they’ll disappear.
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Move On Strong in Your Love Life
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We have a podcast. Did you know this? It’s called Love.Life. with Matthew Hussey and it’s really, really good, we think. We did a podcast this week based on an email that came into [email protected] from one of our listeners and we just thought it would make a great video. Before we get into this email, which I think you’re going to find fascinating. I want to let you know that we have a free guide over at MoveOnStrong.com. If you are someone who has had a breakup or someone go cold, someone that you’re struggling to get over, and you are wondering either, “How do I move on? Or how do I have the kind of high-value communication that could rekindle something?” If that’s the right thing and that’s a big if. I talk about it in this free video over at MoveOnStrong.com. Go check it out now. So I’m going to read you this email because it also comes from what some might feel is an unlikely place is also a question that is deeply relevant to so many people, even though the details of this are somewhat unique and interesting.
She says, and I won’t mention her by name, even though she didn’t ask for this to be kept anonymous, but I sort of felt given the nature of it, we should. “This may be a bit unorthodox to be asking for advice since I, myself, am a prominent dating coach for men specializing in seduction and attraction. However, we all know that sometimes things are too close to home and we need an unbiased opinion. Me and this guy have been seeing each other steadily about once to twice a week for about three and a half months. But this guy is different than your average bear. First off, he’s a celebrity in his own right. In a certain sector of Hollywood, not going into detail, but he is a big, big deal. He values talented women and drive. He loves to hear all about my growing business. Things have been going very well between us, but I could tell there’s something there, a blockade of sorts. And I was right. About a month ago, he confided in me all of this intense trauma he went through during the pandemic and with his last relationship. Big deal stuff.
Huge. Because this guy is a big deal in his world. So his problems aren’t just your typical. We had a big conversation. Tears were shed. And all in all it was a beautiful morning of us being completely vulnerable with each other. This is when I really started to fall for him. Two weeks ago I asked him, ‘What are you looking for in dating?’ I clarified by saying, ‘Not that I feel any decisions need to be made now, but I will say that I’m getting in too deep for this to be a casual fling.’ And I asked if dating could be a possibility in the future. He said, ‘Yes.’ We had another conversation about it last week. I wanted to know if he was seeing other girls, since I myself ended things with another guy. And I genuinely don’t feel like going on other dates. He clarified.
‘If you are asking if I’m seeing anyone else consistently, then no, I’m not.’ Which I don’t know what that means exactly. The conversation basically led to him revealing that he’s been putting off the ‘what are we?’ conversation because of all the trauma and PTSD surrounding his ex and the responsibility of being a boyfriend. He says he knows it’s unfair to me since I’m nothing like her and that he promised he will start bringing up dating again in therapy. I don’t want to give up on this guy, but how long do I wait? What to do during this limbo time? It’s not like it’s been months and months and he’s still not committing. But it’s also feeling like this is a barrier we either need to cross together or the place I leave him behind.” I’m going to refer to this person as Lisa. And I want to say firstly, to Lisa, that I really like that last sentence.
That sense that is this something that I should keep going with or the place I leave him behind. So I want to make three points about this. Number one, the Non-sequitur of “Celebrity”. You’ll notice that throughout this email, she keeps referring to what a big deal this person is to what celebrity this person is. As if that’s relevant information, when it comes to the core of this email. The core of the email being, my needs aren’t getting met. What’s really happening is she wants the safety and the security of knowing that this person actually wants to be with her for a real relationship, which is one of her core needs. And she’s not getting that met. But instead of saying, “Hey, I’ve got this guy and he’s not committing. And I want to know what to do three and a half months in because he doesn’t actually appear to be willing to have the conversation about what we are.”
She’s saying, “I’ve got this guy. And before I say anything else, let me preface this with how big of a deal this guy is.” And it’s almost like she’s trying to sell me first on how big of a deal this guy is so that I give him leeway too. Most people aren’t dating a celebrity, but you could be dating someone successful. Someone extremely physically attractive. Someone who has achieved a lot. Someone who is renowned in their particular world. Someone who has status. When we’re dating someone and we keep referencing that part of them, it starts to become revealing of how much we value that part of them. And why do we value that part of them so much? Because we think that it does something for our worth. If we think that our stock is rising by being with someone like that, then we see that quality as really important and we don’t want to lose it. We start to see that person as rare. “Will I ever get someone like this again? I might not.” And you can feel her fear in losing him, even in the conversation that she has with him.
That’s supposed to be a conversation about boundaries, where she says, “Hey, I don’t want to do the casual thing anymore. I asked him, what are you looking for in dating? I clarified by saying, not that I feel any decisions need to be made now.” Well now you’ve just removed all of the stakes from the conversation. “I’m not going anywhere even if you tell me you’re not looking for anything in dating, no decisions need to be made now.” What decision are we talking about? We’re not talking about marriage. We’re talking about perhaps you don’t sleep with anyone else right now and I don’t sleep with anyone else right now and we see where this goes. It’s not the biggest decision in the world. Can we just also talk about the fact that when asked if he was seeing anybody else, he says, “If you are asking me if I’m seeing anyone else consistently.” I didn’t say consistently.
I just said, are you seeing anyone else? You added consistently. Now the second point I want to make, I am calling the Goldilocks Pain Paradox. Yes, it’s a mouthful, Jameson. Why do I call it the Goldilocks Pain Paradox? This guy is citing pain as the reason why he can’t give her what she wants. And well, she says he’s not your average bear. Didn’t she in the email? And I was thinking of Goldilocks and the three bears. In this particular fairy tale, he would actually be Goldilocks. I like to think of this guy having these three different porridges, the too cold, too hot, and just right. The too cold porridge is him saying, not having sex with you, not getting the girlfriend experience from you, not being able to see you whenever I want for the intimacy that I crave, too cold. Giving you a relationship and actually investing in you and not being with anyone else, too hot. Having sex with you and seeing you when I want to see you, but not having a relationship with you.
In other words, meeting all of the needs I want to meet but not meeting the core needs that you want to meet, just right. That is the Goldilocks Pain Paradox. I love the idea that someone has just the right amount of pain that allows them to meet all of their needs but none of the big ones you have. “I don’t have enough pain that we shouldn’t be having sex, but I do have a bit too much pain for us to have a relationship.” That’s when you have to start to suspect what someone is telling you. Now, this idea of pain brings me on to point number three, you can either focus on Their Reasons or Your Reality. I don’t know this man, but it’s entirely possible that there is real PTSD from things that he’s been through in the last couple of years, that make it impossible for him to have a relationship right now where he’s truly committed and invested.
It’s also possible that this is a very elaborate excuse for not committing on the level that she wants so that he can continue to sleep with other people. The point is we don’t know, and it’s not our job to find out. It’s our job to measure our own reality and say, “Is this reality making me happy?” And then to have a conversation with this person where we say, “Look, I know that if I liked someone that much, I would want to give it a try even if there were things in my past that made it difficult. I don’t need it to be, we’re getting married. I don’t need it to be, we know we’re going to be together because we don’t know each other well enough yet. All I know is that I’m willing to actually give it a try with you and to not be with other people right now, while we see where this goes.
If you’re not willing to do that, that’s okay. And your reasons may be valid for that, but it doesn’t change my reality. My reality is that I’m with someone who’s not ready for a relationship and that means I have to take my energy and direct it elsewhere.” Don’t allow someone’s reasons to make you forget your reality. Your actions shouldn’t be based on their reasons, they should be based on your reality. And before I make my last point of this video, make sure you do go over to MoveOnStrong.com. If you’ve got someone in your life that you felt good about, and then all of a sudden, for whatever reason it fell apart. You want to know either how to communicate in a really high-value way to make that situation go somewhere. Or you want to move on from that person once and for all. Go over to MoveOnStrong.com. I’ve got a free video waiting there for you. Now, the last thing I want to say is to Lisa directly.
Firstly, it takes massive courage. If you are in a position where you are helping and coaching other people, and you’re an authority figure, it takes huge vulnerability to admit that I’m struggling with something. And I commend you for that. I have the utmost compassion for what you’re going through when you like someone and when you’ve got caught up with someone and it feels like you are not getting what you need from it. That’s a painful place to be. I just want to remind you to do what’s right by your happiness, not what’s right by your ego. And I think if you listen to your happiness, you’ll see that the right thing to do is either let this person know that there needs to be a path forward where you are exclusive or that you need to move on and give your energy to something or somebody else. And that there should be no real gray area between those two things.
Thank you. I love you all. Leave me a comment. Let me know what you thought of this video. Like this video, subscribe to this channel, hit the notification bell. So that the next time I have a video, you are notified and I’ll see you then.
Fionnuala Mckenna
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