Over time, as I’ve practiced sending loving-kindness to myself, I have realized that my selfishness is motivated by fear. In the old days, I used to revert to self-laceration every time I, say, tuned out of a conversation because I was compulsively checking where my show sat in the podcast rankings. Now, I can sometimes see this kind of reflexive selfishness as a natural, if unskillful, impulse. It’s the organism trying to protect itself, but I don’t have to automatically obey it. Having a friendlier attitude toward myself has, in turn, helped me be less judgmental of other people, which has improved my relationships, which makes me happier.
Talk to other people
Focus on increasing the number of positive interactions you have throughout the day, including with strangers at coffee shops and in elevators. Studies have shown that these “micromoments” are a powerful driver of happiness. This practice is a powerful corrective to the lack of social connection that so many of us experience.
Even before the coronavirus pandemic, loneliness was on the rise. We know from psychological research that the strength of our relationships is perhaps the most important variable when it comes to human flourishing.
Dedicate your everyday tasks to other people
Before starting any activity, take a second to dedicate whatever you’re about to do to the benefit of all beings. Seriously. Before you brush your teeth, take a nap or eat a sandwich, silently say to yourself something like: I’m doing this so I can be strong and healthy — not just for myself, but so that I can be helpful to other people. As with loving-kindness meditation, I found this a bit treacly at first, but now I see it as a useful way to elevate my quotidian activities and activate my latent altruism. So, before I exercise or meditate, I try to remind myself that I’m doing it not only for selfish reasons, but also so I can be a healthier, happier and more helpful dad, husband and co-worker. Crucially, it is OK to begin this, and all of the other practices I’ve listed here, with selfish intent. It’s likely that your motivation will start to shift over time.
Take advantage of small opportunities for generosity
Science tells us that being generous benefits both the recipient and the giver. FMRI scans show that being generous activates the same parts of the brain as dessert. It’s called the “helper’s high.” And the gesture doesn’t have to be grand. You don’t have to rush into a burning building. It can be as simple as holding the door open for someone, giving a compliment or texting someone who is having a hard time.
Change can be a slow process. Our conditioning toward individualism and materialism runs deep, which is why it was useful for me to sit with the Dalai Lama and be reminded of wise selfishness. I’ve been working on these skills for years, and I still forget and lapse into grabbiness and then subsequent rounds of self-criticism. But over time, I’ve learned to turn the dial toward altruism.
One example is this article you’re reading. Sure, part of me is motivated by a desire to promote my work and have my mother see me in The New York Times. But another part of me is motivated to share this information because I know from research and personal experience that it is likely to improve your life. I have come to see that there’s nothing wrong with deriving pleasure from selfish gratification, especially when it fuels other-oriented work. Why can’t selfishness and selflessness exist in a beneficial double helix?
Dan Harris
Source link