ReportWire

Tag: Shit

  • Nation’s Sick Freaks Announce Plans To Get Off On That

    Nation’s Sick Freaks Announce Plans To Get Off On That

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    NEW YORK—Moaning with pleasure as they revealed that this was exactly what Daddy needed, the nation’s sick freaks held a press conference Friday to announce their plans to get off on that. “Oh yeah, baby, that’s exactly the crazy shit that’ll ring our cherries,” said Carl Dabrowski, one of dozens of the nation’s perverted weirdos who went on to lick their lips and mutter under their breath, “Good, good, really fucking good,” as they rubbed an open palm over their own inner thigh. “Gimme some more of that nasty stuff you’re dishing out. Real sicko shit, y’know? Stuff that’d make some people puke. Not me, though. I like it. Oh God, yeah. Fucking got my number there, baby. I’m getting full up like a bull down there. Yum, yum, yum.” At press time, the nation’s sick freaks specified that by “that” they specifically meant Cat Sebastian’s steamy historical romance novel Unmasked By The Marquess.

    The Sun: You Don’t Want To Be Around When This Thing Blows Up

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  • The Onion’s 2023 Holiday Gift Guide

    The Onion’s 2023 Holiday Gift Guide

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    Eight of the world’s signature flames can be yours with this collector’s set of handcrafted fires made from a variety of flammable materials from around the globe. Includes Zimbabwe thatch hut, old-growth forest, jagged wreckage, Appalachian tinder, residential, chemical plant, Tokyo five-alarm, and sagebrush.

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  • Delta Agent Calls For Dipshit Passengers To Mill About In Front Of Gate Before Their Turn To Board

    Delta Agent Calls For Dipshit Passengers To Mill About In Front Of Gate Before Their Turn To Board

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    CHICAGO—Speaking over the terminal’s intercom in preparation for an evening flight to Boston, Delta Air Lines agent Sarah Epstein reportedly called Monday for all dipshit passengers to stand up and mill around in front of the gate before their turn to board. “Anyone who is a fucking moron and can’t understand simple instructions, please get up, walk over to the gate for no reason, and just get in everyone’s way,” said Epstein, who repeated herself so that any dumbass passengers whose zones had not been called would know it was still nonetheless their turn to bumble around by the gate with their mouths agape, bumping into other people and holding up the entire process. “Any fucknuts out there in the military or shitheads with children, you can come up here now and waste everyone’s time, too. To be clear, this is not because you’re going to get on the plane now. It’s just because, I don’t know, you’re too impatient and dim-witted to wait a couple fucking minutes. If you’re not an asshole, however, please remain seated.” Epstein also requested that any imbeciles out there with extra bags prepare in advance their excuses for why they’re attempting to bring multiple carry-ons aboard even though that is clearly prohibited.

    This Week’s Most Viral News: October 6, 2023

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  • Clicking ‘Our Board Members’ Link Brings Up Whole Spread Of Shit-Eating Grins

    Clicking ‘Our Board Members’ Link Brings Up Whole Spread Of Shit-Eating Grins

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  • Well, The Big Takeaways From Our Annual Seals Issue Are 1) Those Fuckers Bite, And 2) Your Other Fingers Are Worth Jack Shit Without A Thumb

    Well, The Big Takeaways From Our Annual Seals Issue Are 1) Those Fuckers Bite, And 2) Your Other Fingers Are Worth Jack Shit Without A Thumb

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  • Exhausted Couple Relieved Toddler Finally Asleep So They Can Talk Shit About Her

    Exhausted Couple Relieved Toddler Finally Asleep So They Can Talk Shit About Her

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    OAK BROOK, IL—Exchanging weary glances as their child closed her eyes and began to breathe slowly, exhausted couple Janet and Anthony Grisham reportedly expressed relief Tuesday after their toddler fell asleep and they could finally talk shit about her. “Oh my God, I was starting to worry she’d never actually go down—seriously, was it just me, or would that bitch not shut the fuck up?” Janet Grisham said to her husband, adding that even though she loved their 2-year-old daughter Brittany and had known her “fucking forever,” that didn’t change the fact that she was super immature, clingy, and somehow able to ruin almost any social situation she entered. “Honestly, I love Brittany to death, and you know she’s my ride or die, but she’s also a total goddamned train wreck. She can’t go out without puking. She’s always slurring her words. And she’s kind of a fucking psycho, honestly. One minute she likes apples, and the next she doesn’t? God, sometimes I just want to smack her.” At press time, the Grishams could still be heard bitching about how much more fun they would have if they weren’t stuck with Brittany as their daughter, all while their toddler was listening quietly from the top of the stairs.

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