At a reception after a speaking event, an entrepreneur looking for investors asked if he could send me his pitch deck. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I don’t invest in startups.”
“That’s all right,” he said. “What I really need is for you to give me Ray Dalio’s email address. If I land him as an investor, I’ll be set.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, “but I’m not comfortable sharing other people’s contact information.”
He badgered me, I kept apologizing, and he finally walked away. A woman standing nearby walked over and said, “You didn’t need to feel sorry,” she said. “He was being a jerk.”
“I guess,” I said. “But that’s what I do.”
I say I’m sorry when people ask me to speak at their event for the “exposure.” I say I’m sorry when a telemarketer calls and claims they want to buy one of our rental properties. I say I’m sorry when someone butts in line and I have to explain that me and other people were waiting first.
But I shouldn’t, especially if — oddly enough — I want to feel better about myself.
According to a study published in Frontiers in Psychology determined that an apology increases the recipient’s feeling of hurt and does not increase their level of forgiveness. (Assuming I need to be forgiven for not sharing Ray Dalio’s email address). A study published in The European Journal of Social Psychology, people who refuse to express remorse maintain a greater sense of control and feel better about themselves than those who do not, even when they actually made a mistake.
And then there’s this: research described in the book You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation indicates that “excessive” apologizing (apologizing when you really don’t need to) can make others feel you lack competence and confidence. For example, the entrepreneur saw “I’m sorry….” as an opening, and even weakness. To him, “I’m sorry…” sounded like, “I would like to, but…,” and the salesperson in him tried to turn maybe into yes.
Even though my answer was always going to be “no.” I don’t share contact information without the person’s permission. And while I do have Dalio’s email address, I might as well not: I’ve only used it once, and that was to send him a link to an interview we did.
I didn’t need to say I was sorry. I could just say no.
I could just say no to people who want me to work for free. I could just say no to a telemarketer. I could say, “Excuse me, but we were here first.”
Just like you don’t need to apologize when someone asks you to buy something you didn’t ask them to try to sell you. You can just say, “No thanks.” Or when someone asks you to invest in their business. You can just say, “No, that’s not for me.”
Saying you’re sorry when you’ve done something wrong? That’s different. We all make mistakes. We all have things we need to apologize for: words, actions, omissions, failing to step up, step in, show support….
In those cases, the first thing you should do is say “I’m sorry.” (The last thing you should do is add a disclaimer, like “but I was really mad because…” or, “but you were partly at fault…” or include any statement that in any way places even the smallest blame back on the other person.)
When you do something wrong? You need to apologize.
But you don’t need to apologize when someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do. You don’t need to apologize for things you don’t have time to do when other people ask.
And you definitely don’t need to explain yourself. You can just politely say, “No,” or “No, thank you.” (As Adam Grant says, “No” is a complete sentence.) Or you can say, “Thank you for asking, but no.”
Because you shouldn’t say you’re sorry — much less feel sorry — for saying no to things you don’t want to do or can’t do, especially when the request is unsolicited, unwelcome, or unreasonable.
When that happens, the other person should really be the one who apologizes for asking.
Not you, for saying no.
The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.
Jeff Haden
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