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How Does A Narcissist React When They Can’t Control You?
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While talking about narcissism in his bestselling book The Art of Loving, psychoanalyst Erich Fromm said, “The main condition for the achievement of love is the overcoming of one’s narcissism.” And he was right. Narcissism can, in many cases prevent a healthy relationship from blossoming, because nothing or nobody is more important to narcissists than their own selves. Control is the hallmark of a narcissist’s character. But how does a narcissist react when they can’t control you? And how does a narcissist feel when you don’t beg and plead to save the relationship?

You can be sure that a narcissist wouldn’t take indifference lying down. When you take control away from a narcissist, they wouldn’t even let go of you and would want to continue victimizing you initially. In this article, with the help of our expert relationship counselor Dhriti Bhavsar (Master’s degree in Psychology, with specialization in Clinical Psychology), whose expertise includes areas such as relationships, pre-marital counseling, LGBTQ+ issues, and breakups, we will delve deeper into what happens when a narcissist knows he is losing or discovers she is being left. So, read on to get answers to your burning question, “How does a narcissist act when they lose you?”, and save yourself from narcissistic abuse.

How Does A Narcissistic Person Control You?

It’s common knowledge that narcissists thrive on attention. They are people with excessive self-love and a constant need to feel special. They also lack empathy or romantic feelings and aggressively dominate those around them or use them for their own benefit. Research has proved time and again that pathological narcissists show a number of marked character traits. So, people with grandiose narcissism (originating from an innate superiority complex) can show:
- Arrogance
- Entitlement
- Envy
- Charm
While people with vulnerable narcissism (stemming from a lack of self-esteem) show:
- Insecurity
- Devaluation
- Emptiness
Related Reading: 21 Stages Of A Narcissistic Relationship With An Empath

But how does a narcissist act when they need to control you? Dhriti explains, “Narcissists mostly rely on tactics of emotional manipulation to control people. They have no concern for a person’s feelings.” And these tactics are tools for narcissists to overpower their loved ones and others around them. So, let’s take a look at some of these manipulative actions that narcissists employ:

1. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is the act of making you doubt your sanity by negating your feelings, and narcissists are masters of this act of manipulation. Dhriti says, “For narcissists, it’s all about preventing the victim from bringing up any relationship doubt or issues by denying their truth or recollection of events. So, in such cases, narcissists may use statements such as: “You’re remembering things wrong” or “It wasn’t that bad,” to make the victim question themselves and second guess their own experiences and feelings.”

Gaslighting is a typical narcissistic trait when a narcissist starts losing control over you

2. Love bombing and ghosting

Another tactic that narcissists use to gain control is a conscious mix of love bombing and ghosting. Love bombing is when they shower excessive love on someone while ghosting entails cutting all contact and communication without any explanation.

Dhriti adds, “Narcissists make sure it’s a constant cat-and-mouse chase. When they’re giving you attention, there’s so much that you don’t know what to do with it. They will shower you with gifts, time, and sweet words. They will make you feel on top of the world. Then, all of a sudden, they’ll back off completely and ghost you. There will be no contact and no reply to texts or calls. Even if they do eventually respond, they will be emotionally distant and cold. This might make the victim emotionally insecure and reliant on the narcissist to make them feel better.”

3. Playing the victim card

Narcissists are always the victims in their own eyes. They never own up to their faults, feel guilty for their wrongdoings, or take accountability for their actions. Dhriti says, “Even if the actual victim tries to bring something up that the narcissist did to hurt them, the narcissist will turn it on its head and take that chance to criticize everything the victim does.”

4. Projection

Projection is a defense mechanism that narcissists often use. It entails displacing one’s negative feelings onto someone else. Dhriti adds, “Narcissists believe they’re perfect. So, when they’re comforted with the truth about their flaws, it causes them distress. They then start accusing people around them of doing the same thing. For instance, if they’re jealous of someone, they might accuse the other person of being jealous of them and trying to sabotage them.”

Related Reading: A Rundown On What A Narcissist Does At The End Of A Relationship

5. Lying

Narcissists are master liars and often lie to make other people look like the ‘villains’ of their story, so as to make themselves look better in comparison. Dhriti explains, “Narcissists lie so convincingly that the person hearing their tales feels compelled to believe them and pity them.”

So, now that we know about the methods employed by narcissists to gain control over others, you might be wondering how these control freaks react when they lose grip on their partners or their victim decides to fight back. Well, let’s look at a few such cases.

11 Reactions You Can Expect When A Narcissist Realizes They Lost You

So, how does a narcissist react when they can’t control you? Well, when a narcissist loses control over their victim, it’s like a child losing his toy. You see, narcissists love drama and they act up markedly when they can’t manipulate their victims. So, when you take control away from a narcissist, they feel they may have lost someone who probably stroked their ego.

This results in a loss of self-importance and can lead to very strong reactions from the narcissist. A simple answer to “How does a narcissist feel when you don’t beg and plead?” is that they can’t accept the harsh reality. And their behavior can be unpredictable. Being the center of their own universe, narcissists tend to project themselves as victims when their partners break free from their abuse.

When you make a narcissist miserable by beating them at their own game, they might initially try and win you back, but eventually, they may display narcissistic rage and cut you off completely. Let’s look at 11 reactions that one can expect when a narcissist realizes they lost you:

Related Reading: 8 Signs Of Covert Narcissist Hoovering And How You Should Respond

1. Baiting

The first answer to “How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you?,” is that they will try their best to get a reaction out of you or get you to talk. Dhriti explains, “Most commonly, what works is anger. Narcissists will deliberately say or do things that make you mad. For instance, they can reach out to and bother your friends, in an effort to get to you, or say things to you that might trigger you.”

Baiting can also involve making a person feel scared, guilt-tripping, or falsely accusing them of something. A Reddit user, while talking about her narcissistic boyfriend whom she left, said, “He has tried to guilt me into talking to him by saying relatives have passed away or are sick.”

2. Back to love bombing

When baiting doesn’t work, narcissists might start showering you with love, the same way they did in the initial days, but for all the wrong reasons. Dhriti explains, “This sudden love bombing may make you question your judgment of moving away from them because they’ll seem like this amazing person and make you feel great about yourself. In such cases, they might try to remind you of quality times you spent together in the past.” You might feel tempted to mend ways and make the relationship work. But remember, going back to a narcissist in such situations can be a huge mistake.

3. False hopes of closure

When you are too strong for a narcissist, sometimes, in a desperate attempt to get back control, they might pretend to offer you closure or a resolution. Dhriti explains, “They might ask to meet you somewhere or talk on call for closure, and then when the time comes, they might stand you up. When you call them back, they’ll deny ever making such plans and call you crazy. This is a form of narcissist gaslighting. A narcissist enjoys giving their partner false hope and loves to make them feel sad.”

4. Isolating you

A prominent answer to “How does the narcissist react when he realizes you no longer care or when she discovers you’ve figured out her game?”, is that he might try and isolate you. When a narcissist’s fragile ego is wounded, they will try every manipulation tactic in a relationship, even to the extent of separating you from friends and family.

Dhriti adds, “A narcissist may call up your mutual friends and go around talking badly about you. They might start a whole smear campaign against you to try and turn your friends against you. They wish to create a situation wherein you have no one else but your narcissistic partner to turn to for emotional support.” So, what to do when a narcissist tries to control you this way? Well, don’t fall into the trap. Stay in touch with loved ones.

Related Reading: How Not To Fall For A Narcissist And Suffer In Silence

5. Intermittent reinforcement

When you beat a narcissist at their own game, they might exploit that faint hope you may have somewhere in one corner of your mind. This is one tactic that makes leaving an abusive relationship extremely difficult for the victim. A term coined by psychologist B. F. Skinner, ‘intermittent reinforcement’ defines a situation wherein a person feels they have more to gain because they have been rewarded inconsistently. It’s like losing all your money at the casino because the one time you won made you squander away your savings later, as you hoped to win again.

Dhriti says, “Intermittent reinforcement is essentially delivering a ‘reward’ at irregular times, so the person never knows when to anticipate a reward and continues the behavior. In such cases, a narcissist might suddenly acknowledge something you’ve been complaining about for a very long time and make promises to change.” This stage is where you should know how to take control away from a narcissist, by not giving in.

6. Narcissistic injury

Also known as narcissistic wound, narcissistic injury refers to the excessive sense of humiliation that a narcissist feels when they lose control over their victims or they feel they have been insulted. Dhriti adds, “It’s when their self-perception of being perfect is hurt because they realize that someone could leave them so easily. If you are dating a narcissist you would know this often makes them lash out and act in a vengeful manner.”

Related Reading: Your Guide On How To Deal With An Angry Person In A Relationship

7. Narcissistic rage

Close on the heels of narcissistic injury is narcissistic rage. When a narcissist doesn’t get their way, they start throwing tantrums. At times, they may even react violently and try to get back at their victims for ignoring them or leaving them. Dhriti adds, “Their thought process is, “How dare you hurt me? I will hurt you more.” It can also manifest in the form of physical, mental, and emotional abuse.”

8. Leaving before you leave them

Another answer to “How does the narcissist react when he realizes you no longer care or she finds out you’re trying to leave them?,” is that they might leave you before you leave them. A narcissist will try and win you back as long as you feed their ego or respond to their efforts to get you back into the abusive relationship. The moment a narcissist gets the hint that you might leave them for good, they will be the first ones to break up. This satiates their ego. But what to do when a narcissist tries to control you is entirely up to you. Decide whether you wish to wait and watch or leave them right away.

9. Ugly revelations

While a narcissist is breaking up with you, they will try and give you a final blow. In the breakup conversation, they will try and cause you more pain in an effort to destroy your emotional well-being and self-esteem. That’s why it becomes important to know how to take control away from a narcissist by not reacting.

Dhriti says, “If the narcissist did something nasty during the relationship which they hid from you, they’ll reveal that to you now. For instance, someone I know was breaking up with her boyfriend and he chose that exact moment, in the middle of her sentence, to tell her he had cheated on her. He wanted the power to hurt her more than she was hurting him.”

Related Reading: 9 Expert Tips On How To Deal With A Narcissist Spouse

10. Accusations

When the narcissist realizes you are done, the final breakup conversation with them may also end up in them falsely accusing you of things you may not have done. Dhriti adds, “They may double down on their partner and start pointing out their flaws and attacking their self-esteem.” In this way, they can:
- Divert attention from their own flaws
- Put the victim in a defensive mode
- Make excuses to hide their own wrongdoings
This is how a narcissist reacts when they can’t control you

11. No closure

When a narcissist is finished with you and realizes they can’t extract any emotion out of you, they will end all contact abruptly. Such people don’t have any concern for their partner’s feelings. Remember, a narcissist will never stay friends after the breakup or give you a chance to get closure. Dhriti explains, “Once they realize they’re not going to get any admiration, validation, or emotional reaction from you, they’ll simply get rid of you.”

Does Taking Power Away From A Narcissist Make Them Discard You?

Now that you have the answer to: “How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you?,” let’s find out if a narcissist leaves you for good when they realize they have lost control over the relationship. Dhriti says, “A narcissist only wants to be around those who can emotionally validate them and not contest their self-perception of being perfect. If they don’t have the power over you, they can very well discard you, because they don’t see you as a person. They see you as a supply or some puppet who is only there to fulfill their needs.”

Related Reading: The Narcissist Silent Treatment: What It Is And How To Respond

But in case you’re wondering how to know if you’re about to be discarded by a narcissist, remember, there are always those subtle hints that come before the final stage of the narcissistic discard. Here are some signs to watch out for if you’re wondering if you’re about to be discarded by a narcissist:
- No jealousy anymore
- They flirt around or get into a new relationship
- No love bombing
- No hoovering or an attempt to get you back
- Indifference in the relationship
Narcissism is a toxic personality disorder that gnaws at a relationship bit by bit and destroys its very core. We hope we’ve been able to help you with a clear picture of what narcissistic control in a relationship looks like. We also hope you’re no longer wondering, “How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you?” You see when a narcissist knows he is losing or she is being outsmarted, the relationship will be at the receiving end of all their frustration and rage.
Key Pointers

Narcissists are self-absorbed people with no empathy or concern for other people’s feelings and love controlling their partners

A Narcissist can employ several tactics to control you, such as gaslighting, playing the victim card, love bombing, and lying

Some of the glaring reactions of a narcissist when they start losing control over you are baiting, false hopes of closure, narcissistic rage, ugly revelations, and accusations

Taking power away from a narcissist will eventually lead them to discard you and cut off all ties. So, staying friends with a narcissistic partner isn’t an option
Remember, even when you are too strong for a narcissist, breaking away from them may not always be easy. Moreover, emotions may be involved, especially if you’re in a long-term romantic relationship. So, you will feel hurt. But when the narcissist realizes you are done, you can be victimized furthermore, till they suck every ounce of energy out of you.

So, what’s more important is to realize your worth and make a clean break with a narcissist before their abuse damages you irreparably. It’s important to note that there’s no ‘we’ without ‘I’, and if the narcissistic control is getting too much for you, there’s no alternative to go separate ways to safeguard your mental health. There’s no point in dragging things that may never work. This is the golden rule of a relationship. So, let self-love take over and focus on your healing process. Believe in yourself and take the plunge.

9 Things To Be Mindful Of When Arguing With A Narcissistic Husband

How To Get Out Of A Controlling Relationship – 8 Ways To Break Free

Exposing A Narcissist – What You Should Know

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December 5, 2023
Why Does Love Hurt So Much and What to Do?
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Love is a bewildering emotion, often celebrated as one of life’s greatest joys, yet it’s equally notorious for causing profound pain and heartache. But how can love hurt if it is such a beautiful feeling? The enigma of ‘why does love hurt so much’ has perplexed poets, philosophers, psychologists, and ordinary individuals alike for centuries.

We asked our expert counselor Nandita Rambhia (M.Sc. in Psychology) to help us understand why some circumstances can make even true love hurt so much. Read on to find out what she has to say about the matter.

One of the prime reasons why love hurts so much in a relationship is its vulnerability. When we open ourselves to love, we are exposed to the risk of rejection, betrayal, and loss. Additionally, the biochemical underpinnings of love, including the release of neurotransmitters such as dopamine, create a euphoric rush that can be addictive. When this wanes or is disrupted, it can lead to withdrawal symptoms akin to physical injury or physical pain.

Dr. Helen Fisher’s study on why love hurts used fMRI to examine brain activity in individuals who had recently experienced romantic rejection. The results revealed that the same parts of the brain associated with physical pain were activated when participants viewed images of their former partners. This research helps us gain insight of the complex relationship between love, rejection, and the neural pathways and processes involved.

13 Reasons Why Love Hurts So Much

Love is painful and can be so excruciating sometimes. At its core, love is a deeply complex and multifaceted emotion, capable of evoking an array of intense feelings, from euphoria and contentment to despair and suffering. The profound connection that love fosters can intensify the anguish when that connection is severed or damaged, making us feel pain. Moreover, the expectations we attach to love, influenced by societal ideals, romantic narratives, and personal perspectives of romance and desires, can set us up for disappointment and emotional turmoil when reality falls short of these lofty ideals.

Delving into the numerous reasons behind love’s capacity to cause pain unveils the intricacy of human emotions and relationships. Here are 13 factors that can answer the question “Why does love hurt so much?”:

1. Vulnerability and uncertainty

Love requires opening up emotionally, which makes us susceptible to rejection and hurt. Not knowing where a relationship is headed can be distressing. Here’s how it can hurt us:
- Vulnerability can hurt because it involves exposing our true selves, making us susceptible to rejection or betrayal. This emotional openness can be challenging and painful when it’s met with disappointment or hurtful actions
- Miscommunication, or sometimes simply distance, can create uncertainty, which is antagonizing because it creates anxiety about the future of the relationship and can bring up difficult emotions
- It can also become difficult to get your partner to open up to you if they are scared of vulnerability and cause harm to the relationship
Still wondering “Why does it hurt to be away from the person you love?” The answer is simple. Not knowing where you stand or whether the person you love reciprocates those feelings can lead to emotional distress, doubt, and insecurity, causing a sense of unease and discomfort in the relationship, especially when you’re aching for love.

Related Reading: 9 Expert Tips To Stimulate Vulnerability In A Relationship

2. Fear of rejection and unrequited love

You know what it’s like when you love someone so much it hurts? Sometimes, it is because we fear that they won’t feel the same way about us. Nandita says, “If you, or your thoughts, or your ideas, are rejected, that hurt can be very painful and difficult to overcome.” Here’s how:
- The fear of not being loved in return can lead to anxiety and pain
- Being afraid of rejection really stings, making you worry that you’re not good enough for someone, and it can leave you feeling pretty down
- Unrequited love is a tough pill to swallow. It’s like having a one-sided crush that leaves you feeling sad, longing for something that’s just not there
The fear of rejection and unrequited love can make you want to run away from love

3. Betrayal

Trust can be shattered when a partner betrays your confidence or is unfaithful. Betrayal in love cuts deep because it shatters the trust and emotional connection you’ve built with someone you care about deeply. It leaves wounds that are not easily healed, causing profound emotional pain, anger, and a sense of betrayal. Coping with the knowledge that someone you loved and trusted has let you down can be emotionally devastating and can have long-lasting effects on your ability to trust in future relationships. This breaks a person emotionally, developing trust issues, so much so that they’re unable to trust a new partner as well.

4. Loss

Love can end through breakups, causing profound grief. Sometimes, the grief and loss of loved one can affect you so much that the pain can seep through into your other relationships as well. The loss of love hurts so much in a relationship that it breaks you from within, especially if your partner used to be in love with you but later fell out of it for some reason. Their absence feels like an ache deep in your soul, a constant reminder of their significance in your life. The void left by their absence is accompanied by a profound sense of grief, sadness, and longing. It’s a painful reminder of the moments and memories you once cherished together, making it one of the most emotionally challenging experiences one can endure.

Related Reading: How To Get Through A Breakup Alone?

5. Unrealistic expectations

High expectations in relationships can lead to disappointment when reality falls short, making it a recipe for heartache, instilling a lot of negative emotions in you. Here’s how:
- When we set the bar too high, it’s easy to feel hurt when the reality that we face doesn’t match our fantasies
- The gap between what we hoped for and what we experience can lead to disappointment, frustration, and distress, as we grapple with the discrepancy between our idealized notions of love and the complexities of real-life relationships
6. Incompatibility

When love encounters incompatibility, it can be a real heartache. It’s like trying to fit puzzle pieces that just don’t match, leading to constant conflicts and misunderstandings. Even when you love someone so much it hurts, it is possible that your values, goals, or personalities clash, creating a persistent sense of frustration and sorrow, making it challenging to sustain a fulfilling relationship.

7. Communication issues

When there’s a lack of clear and honest communication, misunderstandings and misinterpretations can flourish, causing unnecessary conflicts and emotional distress. It’s like trying to navigate a relationship in the dark, with both partners feeling unheard or frustrated, which can erode the trust and connection that love thrives on, turning your life upside down.

Related Reading: How To Fix Lack Of Communication In A Relationship – 15 Expert Tips

8. Jealousy

Jealousy is like a pesky little gremlin. It’s that nagging sensation that someone’s trying to rain on your parade, making you all jittery and unsure. When it takes center stage, it can wreak havoc on your relationship, hampering your self-esteem and your bond with your partner. When jealousy takes hold, it can strain relationships, erode trust, and cause agony as you wrestle with feelings of inadequacy or fear of losing the person you care about.

9. Fear of abandonment

Abandonment issues can make love feel precarious and anxiety-inducing. The fear of abandonment in love is like a persistent shadow. It’s this nagging concern that your special someone might one day walk away, stirring up anxiety and self-doubt. This fear can cast a shadow over your relationship, causing emotional turmoil as you wrestle with the prospect of being left behind. It affects your trust and closeness with your partner, leaving you aching for love.

Why Does Love Hurt So Much?

10. Past trauma and unresolved issues

Previous heartbreak or emotional wounds can affect current relationships, festering and causing pain. Past trauma and unresolved issues can inflict deep emotional wounds. It’s like carrying a heavy backpack full of old hurts and scars into a new relationship. These lingering issues can resurface, triggering emotional pain, mistrust, and conflict, preventing you from opening up fully and experiencing the love and connection you desire.

Likewise, unresolved issues are like the persistent storm clouds that refuse to clear. They hang over the relationship, causing tension, frustration, grief, and regret. These issues can lead to recurring conflicts, making it difficult to move forward and find happiness together.

Related Reading: 12 Signs Your Past Relationships Are A ffecting Your Present Relationship

11. Fear of intimacy

Opening up emotionally can trigger fear and psychological torment. You can think to yourself, “I love you so much it hurts,” but it won’t matter until you let your partner in to see all the good and the bad. Fear of intimacy is like having walls around your heart that keep you from fully connecting with your partner. You build invisible barriers to protect yourself from painful emotions and hurt. This fear can leave you feeling isolated and disappointed, as you struggle to let your guard down and share your true self, which can hinder the depth and fulfillment of your relationship.

12. Insecurity

Relationship insecurity can be a wrecking ball, causing emotional turbulence and eroding the foundation of love. It’s like a persistent cloud of doubt that casts shadows over trust and intimacy. Here’s how it affects relationships:
- Low self-esteem can lead to doubts about being worthy of love. You’re constantly second-guessing yourself and fearing that you’re not good enough for your partner
- Insecurity can lead you to an emotional rollercoaster of jealousy, constant reassurance-seeking behavior, and fear of abandonment, ultimately driving a wedge between you and your partner and harming the connection that sustains love.
- Over time, insecurity can destroy the fabric of the relationship, leaving both individuals hurt and the love diminished.
13. Attachment styles

Having different attachment styles in love can be a bit like dancing out of sync. It’s like speaking different emotional languages, where one partner might want more closeness, while the other might value independence. These contrasting needs can spark conflicts and insecurities, causing emotional turbulence and potentially harming the relationship by making it tough to meet each other’s emotional expectations. This is why it becomes important to understand attachment styles psychology and how you can use it to make your relationship better. Negative attachment styles learned from former partners can make you question, “Is love supposed to hurt this much all the time?”

Related Reading: Love Vs Attachment: Is It Real Love? Understanding The Difference

These could be some of the answers to your question: “How can true love hurt so much?” There could be many other reasons for you to feel pain in love and get hurt in relationships, but we must try to find a silver lining, move forward, and find a way to cope with the pain.

How To Cope With The Pain Of Love

Love is one of the few very complicated emotions, and coping with the pain of love, whether it’s due to rejection, betrayal, or the natural ups and downs of relationships, can be a challenging journey. You’ll want to scream, “Why does love hurt so much?,” because, let’s admit it, love is painful. It is a deeply emotional experience, and when it hurts, it can feel overwhelming, just like facing a storm.

Related Reading: 11 Si gns You Are In A ‘Comp licated Relationship’

Nandita explains, “When in a relationship, it is important to not lose yourself entirely in that person, or in that relationship. It is important to keep your identity intact, because at some point, it will act as a coping mechanism to help protect you and overcome the pain.”

Here are several strategies to help you navigate and cope with the pain of love:
- Allow yourself to grieve: It’s important to acknowledge and allow yourself to feel the pain. Grieving the loss or disappointment is a natural part of healing. Suppressing emotions can prolong the healing process
- Practice self-care: Prioritize self-care activities that nurture your physical and emotional well-being and your mental health. This might include exercise, meditation, hobbies, or simply taking time for yourself to relax and heal
- Set boundaries: If the pain is caused by an unhealthy relationship, set boundaries or consider distancing yourself from the source of the pain. Protect your emotional health by prioritizing your well-being
- Reflect and learn: Use this time to reflect on the relationship and the emotions you’re experiencing. What can you learn from the experience? How can you grow and become stronger from it?
- Focus on growth: Channel your energy into personal growth and self-improvement. Pursue goals, passions, or hobbies that fulfill you and enhance your self-esteem. Nandita points out, “It is important to accept yourself, be non-judgmental, and keep yourself going. Give yourself time to heal, stay active, and practice a lot of self-care”
- Positive affirmations: Practice positive self-talk and affirmations to boost your self-confidence and self-worth. Remind yourself of your strengths and value as an individual
- Limit social media: Avoid excessive exposure to your ex-partner’s social media or romanticized portrayals of love. These can exacerbate feelings of pain and inadequacy
Disconnecting from social media and your phone for some time can be very helpful
- Talk to someone: Share your feelings with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. Talking about your emotions can provide relief and perspective. It can also help you process and make sense of what you’re going through. You may also consider joining support groups or online communities where you can connect with others who have experienced pain similar to yours. Sharing stories and advice can be comforting
- Time and patience: Healing takes time. Be patient with yourself and understand that the intensity of the pain will gradually diminish as you move forward
- Seek professional help: If the pain becomes overwhelming or persists for an extended period, consider seeking professional therapy or counseling. A therapist can provide guidance and tools to help you cope effectively. This is why experienced counselors from Bonobology’s panel are here to offer you support. Don’t shy away from seeking help from them.
Coping with the pain of love is a deeply personal journey, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. It’s essential to find strategies that resonate with you and align with your unique circumstances. Remember that healing is possible, and with time and self-compassion, you can emerge from the pain of love stronger and wiser.
Key Pointers

The intricate interplay between pleasure and pain in the realm of love stems from a combination of psychological, biological, and societal factors

Among other reasons, when your expectations in a relationship are not met with, it is likely to cause pain and make you feel hurt

The fear of rejection, betrayal, uncertainty, or being vulnerable, can cause you pain and lead you to distance yourself from the person you love

Incompatibility, communication issues, past trauma, and insecurity can make love hurt

Setting boundaries, self-care, talking to someone, or seeking professional help are some of the ways you can cope with the hurt or pain of love
In the labyrinthine tapestry of human emotions, love stands as a paradoxical masterpiece, capable of illuminating our lives with unmatched joy and yet plunging us into the depths of despair. Love hurts because it is a testament to our unguarded naked truth, demanding that we open our hearts and risk uncertainty and catastrophe. But in this enigmatic blend of pleasure and pain, love remains a powerful force that shapes our existence, teaching us profound lessons about empathy and the resilience of the human spirit.

FAQs

1. Is it normal for love to hurt?

Any relationship will go through its cycles of love and hurt. So, it is normal to be hurt in relationships. Nandita says, “When we are romantically involved with someone, or in love, we experience a lot of extreme highs and lows. It’s like you’re floating on cloud nine, and when something negative happens, even if it is small, you come crashing down, making you feel hurt.”

2. What is the most painful thing in love?

According to Nandita, there are quite a few things that can be painful in love. “Something as small as disagreements, a negative comment, negativity toward each other, or something as big as a breakup can be painful. All these lead to marked lows in the relationship, making you feel hurt”, she says.

3. Does true love always hurt?

Love and hurt are two sides of the same coin. So, as mentioned above, a myriad of reasons can make even true love hurt, but not always. “In the end, true love will prove to be stronger and will be able to withstand any hurdles and overcome the hurt,” says Nandita.

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November 9, 2023
23 Backhanded Compliment Examples in Everyday Life That Are Actually Insults
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Backhanded compliments, also known as left-handed compliments, fake compliments, or negging, are a form of communication that combines both praise and insult in a subtle or indirect way. These are remarks that may initially seem like compliments but actually contain subtle criticism or insincerity.

The person giving these compliments is often one of our friends and colleagues. It leaves the recipient feeling unsure about the giver’s true intentions. Research states, “We predict that although backhanded compliments are intended to generate liking and convey status, they fail to elicit either, because people who deliver backhanded compliments are perceived as strategic and overly-concerned with impression management.”

It is common to impulsively reply when veiled insults are uttered to you, but you need to learn some smart comebacks for backhanded compliments. These will help you take a stand without being too mean.

What Are Backhanded Compliments?

Backhanded compliments hurt people’s feelings. A person could think they are commending your abilities or achievements, but in reality, what they’re saying comes off as presumptuous and disrespectful. Or they do want to be rude to you but wrap up the comment in a way that it looks like a praise, ultimately confusing you.

Related Reading: 12 Warning Signs Of Gaslighting And 5 Ways To Deal With It
- Backhanded compliments take on various forms, such as insults disguised as compliments, passive-aggressive comments, or veiled comparisons
- These insulting compliments are often used to hide insecurity in conversations to subtly undermine someone’s confidence, self-esteem, or accomplishments, while maintaining a facade of politeness
- They can be used intentionally or unintentionally and are commonly employed in social settings, sometimes as a means of asserting dominance, but are always uttered as sugar-coated words. We live in a so-called polite society after all
- These demeaning and fake compliments could be about anything, like your gained or lost weight, age, hair, appearance, life, job, business idea, or what you wear
- For example, saying “Your new haircut makes you look much better,” “You look nicer when you have your hair straight” or “This is the ugliest shirt I’ve seen; only you could have made it look decent” are backhanded compliments because they imply an underlying insult or disbelief in the person’s choices or looks
- Another example is when someone’s update on Instagram makes us feel inferior and we try to bring them down with backhanded compliments like “I love that you have so much time in the day to put up these wonderful posts on Instagram”
- A form of backhanded compliments is ‘negging‘. It is a classic form of emotional manipulation which is defined as low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances”
It doesn’t matter who you are; everyone has experienced backhanded compliments some time in their lives. This is why it is important to learn how to identify them and deal with them.

As receivers, it is crucial that we recognize these disguised slights for what they are and respond with assertiveness. As givers, we must strive to provide genuine compliments that empower and uplift rather than belittling others. These remarks showcase the intricate nuances of human communication and highlight the importance of both self-awareness and empathy.

23 Backhanded Compliment Examples In Everyday Life

We have some backhanded compliments at work listed below, so you can tell off your colleague firmly and professionally. These are subtle signs of passive-aggressive behavior and include backhanded compliment examples from family members that we all can relate to too. If you’re someone whose instincts hit quite late when someone insults you, we have got comebacks for backhanded compliments as well.

On asking how to deal with such people, a Quora user said, “With a smile. Don’t let it bother you. It is a very passive-aggressive thing to do.” Another Quora user said about insults disguised as compliments, “I pretend not to notice the backhanded part and respond as if it was a genuine compliment – perhaps slightly more enthusiastically. That leaves the person with the option of explaining that it wasn’t really a compliment (which makes them look like an a***hole), or pretending it was a genuine compliment (which makes them look like an a***hole).”

Related Reading: Emotional Abuse – 9 Signs And 5 Coping Tips

We think that it is important to reply when veiled insults start ruling the conversation. It becomes even more charming when you make yourself comfortable and keep your cool while responding to such folks. Let’s have a look at these backhanded compliments listed below and how to respond to them.

1. “You look amazing for someone who doesn’t wear makeup”

This is one of the major backhanded compliment examples for a girl. What is wrong with this ‘compliment’ is that it somehow implies that the person’s natural appearance is not attractive. The deliverer is somehow complimenting and complicating your life in one sentence.

Response: “I appreciate the compliment, but I believe everyone looks beautiful in their own way, with or without makeup”

2. “You’re pretty even without the need for all that makeup”

One of the most common backhanded compliment examples, and is often said to women. The speaker is implying that makeup is redundant or deceitful, and that people only apply it to try and look pretty.

Response: “Makeup is a form of self-expression; I wear it because I enjoy it.”

3. “You’re quite articulate for someone of your background”

This is one of the most passive aggressive backhanded compliments examples. This suggests surprise that a person can speak well despite their ‘background,’ demeaning the person as well as their race, country, class, caste, or religion.

Response: “People from diverse backgrounds are quite articulate and they probably know more than one language. How many do you know fluently?”

4. “You did an excellent job on your presentation; I didn’t expect that from you”

When we talk about backhanded compliment examples at work, this one has got to be the most common one. You must have heard colleagues or bosses use this one. It implies low expectations from the person and underestimates their abilities. This can sometimes be said by a superior who is trying to flirt and establish an office romance.

Response: “Thank you. I’m pretty proud of my presentation. I knew I’d nail it. What were you expecting, though?”

Related Reading: How To Tell If Your Boss Likes You Romantically?

5. “You’re so confident; I wish I could be reckless like you”

The backhanded compliment hints that the person’s confidence is perceived as carelessness or overconfidence.

Response: “Thank you! Confidence comes from self-assurance, calm, and positivity.”

6. “You’re really strong for a girl”

This is another one of the backhanded compliment examples for a girl. It suggests that women are typically weaker, undermining their strength. This results in low self-esteem in a lot of women.

Response: “Strength isn’t gender-specific; men can be physically weaker than women and women can be stronger than men.”

7. “You’re so lucky to have found a partner despite your quirks”

What makes this comment wrong in so many ways is that it suggests that the person’s quirks should have made them undesirable, or that having quirks and uniqueness is somehow bad. And that the person’s partner is bearing quite a burden.

Response: “That’s what happens in relationships. We both accept and love each other’s quirks. Do you have someone like that in your life too?”

People of all genders and ages have to deal with backhanded compliments in their everyday lives.

8. “You’re not like other lawyers; you’re actually fun to be around”

This particular comment on a person’s profession is one of the many backhanded compliment examples at work. It infers the stereotype about lawyers as dull and unfriendly. Comments like these can be seen in all professions, like “You’re so down to earth for an actor” or “You’re not as boring as the other people from IT.”

Response: “Being a lawyer doesn’t define a person’s entire personality. You know that, right?”

Related Reading: 13 Signs He Disrespects You And Does Not Deserve You

9. “With a little house remodeling, your place would look even better”

This comment does not have the best intentions as it implies that your home needs remodeling to be at its best. It’s coming across as nitpicking and this person is being an ungracious guest or a friend.

Response: “I wasn’t looking for feedback. And I think when a house feels like a home, that is enough for a person.”

10. “You’re so well-spoken for someone without a college degree”

By saying something like this, they are clearly underestimating the other person’s intelligence due to their educational background.

Response: “Education doesn’t determine one’s ability to communicate effectively or compassionately. In fact, many people with college degrees say whatever they want to despite how ignorant it makes them sound.”

11. “You’re brave to wear that; I could never pull it off”

This double meaning comment hints that the person’s outfit is too bold or unconventional and that they are being judged for it.

Response: “Thank you! Why am I brave? I didn’t understand. It’s just a piece of clothing.”

12. “You’re a great mom despite being so career-driven”

They are alluding that career-oriented women can’t be great parents, or a woman could only be either of the two.

Response: “I believe being a dedicated mom and professional are both achievable.”

Related Reading: 8 Signs You Have A Controlling And Manipulative Husband

13. “You’re so disciplined with your diet; I’d be miserable eating like that”

This backhanded compliment implies that the person’s healthy eating habits are a source of misery, and that they must secretly hate their lifestyle.

Response: “I enjoy eating nutritiously; it makes me feel great! You should try it.”

14. “You’re such a good athlete. Maybe because you were lucky enough to get an athletic body”

The fact that this statement attributes the person’s athletic accomplishments to luck rather than sheer hard work and talent undercuts the receiver.

Response: “I’ve worked hard to excel at my sport, and I’m proud of my progress.”

15. “You’re so organized; it’s surprising for a boy”

According to this observation, individuals of a certain gender tend to be disorganized. This is especially said to males as they are unreasonably seen as irresponsible or lazy, whilst females are seen as to have the need to always be organized because it’s their job to make sure everything is in its place.

Response: “Organization is a valuable skill for any gender.”

Related Reading: 50 Compliments For Men That Make Them Happy

16. “You’re very intelligent for a woman of your descent”

This statement implies that knowledge depends on your gender and race. And that intelligence, womanhood, and certain races have very less compatibility. Women all around the world have to hear comments like these, especially those who aren’t Caucasian, like Brown and Black women.

Response: “This was quite an ignorant remark for someone who’s white. Gender and race don’t dictate one’s capacity to learn and grow.”

17. “You’re a great artist, considering your limited resources”

This ambiguous remark suggests that the artist’s work is only impressive because of limitations and not their talent. The artist may not even perceive their resources to be limited, but this speaker certainly thinks they are.

Response: “Artists create art from the heart, regardless of their resources.”

18. “You’re so patient with your disabled child; I’d lose my mind in your shoes”

In essence, this phrase implies that disabled children are a burden. It’s ableist and adds to the systemic bias against disabled people.

Response: “Parenting has its challenges, but I cherish every moment with my kids. It’s not exactly sensitive to want a specific kind of child.”

Related Reading: Worst Parenting Mistakes We Always Make And Should Immediately Correct

19. “You have a great smile despite having unaligned teeth”

This person is unfairly assuming that a smile can only be appealing if you have perfectly aligned teeth. The fact that they even noticed the teeth and then thought it’s okay to point them out as a flaw is ridiculous. Instead, one should always try to make others smile.

Response: “I didn’t understand. The setting of one’s teeth does not have anything to do with a great smile.”

20. “You’re very successful despite your difficult upbringing”

According to this remark, achievement shouldn’t be expected given the person’s upbringing. This remark may be a genuine compliment in another context, but no one should bring up anyone’s childhood traumas when they wish to commend their success.

Response: “My upbringing has shaped me, but it doesn’t define my success.”

21. “You’re such a good listener for someone who talks a lot”

The remark implies that the person’s chatty nature ought to impair their ability to listen, or that being both simultaneously is not possible. Also, the speaker clearly doesn’t appreciate the other’s conversations and thought this is the best way to tell them.

Response: “I believe in balanced communication; talking and listening are both important.”

22. “You’re a talented musician, especially for someone without formal training”

The other person’s musical abilities and hard work are being underestimated in favor of a mostly inaccessible formal education.

Response: “Music is a passion, and I’ve honed my skills through dedication and practice. As many musicians do.”

23. “You’re a great leader for someone who’s usually so introverted”

This statement inaccurately implies that introverted people are often not effective leaders.

Related Reading: Dating An Introvert – 11 Communication Hacks To Use

Response: “Introverts actually excel in leadership roles by leveraging their unique strengths. Leadership doesn’t belong to certain personality styles.”

In response to backhanded compliments, it’s essential to maintain confidence and assertiveness. You can acknowledge the compliment aspect, if you want to, while addressing the underlying issue or misconception politely. This helps educate the person and encourages more respectful communication.
Key Pointers

Backhanded comments can be hurtful to people because they are actually insults that are disguised as compliments

These unflattering comments are frequently employed in social situations to degrade someone’s accomplishments or self-worth while putting on a front of civility

“You’re really opinionated for a woman” or “You’ve got such strong features despite having brown skin” are a few of the examples of backhanded compliments and one should know why they are harmful

Sometimes, responding when someone insults you like that is requisite, but it’s also really important to not lose your cool while doing so. Calling them out is necessary but you can do it in a subtle manner if you want to
The true nature of compliments is to uplift self-esteem, encourage, and make the other person feel good through your sincerity, but backhanded compliments do the opposite. We have examined the subtleties of these double-edged verbal swords. They are seemingly well-intended yet covertly demeaning. By shedding light on their nature, we can strive for positive and more constructive interactions in our personal and professional lives, fostering healthy relationships.

Understanding backhanded compliments is not just an exercise in dissecting language; it’s a journey into the intricacies of human psychology and communication. Through wisdom and empathy, let’s foster a culture of genuine appreciation, where words become instruments of support rather than weapons of criticism.

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November 8, 2023