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Tag: English profanity

  • Nation’s Sick Freaks Announce Plans To Get Off On That

    Nation’s Sick Freaks Announce Plans To Get Off On That

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    NEW YORK—Moaning with pleasure as they revealed that this was exactly what Daddy needed, the nation’s sick freaks held a press conference Friday to announce their plans to get off on that. “Oh yeah, baby, that’s exactly the crazy shit that’ll ring our cherries,” said Carl Dabrowski, one of dozens of the nation’s perverted weirdos who went on to lick their lips and mutter under their breath, “Good, good, really fucking good,” as they rubbed an open palm over their own inner thigh. “Gimme some more of that nasty stuff you’re dishing out. Real sicko shit, y’know? Stuff that’d make some people puke. Not me, though. I like it. Oh God, yeah. Fucking got my number there, baby. I’m getting full up like a bull down there. Yum, yum, yum.” At press time, the nation’s sick freaks specified that by “that” they specifically meant Cat Sebastian’s steamy historical romance novel Unmasked By The Marquess.

    The Sun: You Don’t Want To Be Around When This Thing Blows Up

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  • The Onion’s 2023 Holiday Gift Guide

    The Onion’s 2023 Holiday Gift Guide

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    Eight of the world’s signature flames can be yours with this collector’s set of handcrafted fires made from a variety of flammable materials from around the globe. Includes Zimbabwe thatch hut, old-growth forest, jagged wreckage, Appalachian tinder, residential, chemical plant, Tokyo five-alarm, and sagebrush.

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  • Clicking ‘Our Board Members’ Link Brings Up Whole Spread Of Shit-Eating Grins

    Clicking ‘Our Board Members’ Link Brings Up Whole Spread Of Shit-Eating Grins

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  • Well, The Big Takeaways From Our Annual Seals Issue Are 1) Those Fuckers Bite, And 2) Your Other Fingers Are Worth Jack Shit Without A Thumb

    Well, The Big Takeaways From Our Annual Seals Issue Are 1) Those Fuckers Bite, And 2) Your Other Fingers Are Worth Jack Shit Without A Thumb

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  • Exhausted Couple Relieved Toddler Finally Asleep So They Can Talk Shit About Her

    Exhausted Couple Relieved Toddler Finally Asleep So They Can Talk Shit About Her

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    OAK BROOK, IL—Exchanging weary glances as their child closed her eyes and began to breathe slowly, exhausted couple Janet and Anthony Grisham reportedly expressed relief Tuesday after their toddler fell asleep and they could finally talk shit about her. “Oh my God, I was starting to worry she’d never actually go down—seriously, was it just me, or would that bitch not shut the fuck up?” Janet Grisham said to her husband, adding that even though she loved their 2-year-old daughter Brittany and had known her “fucking forever,” that didn’t change the fact that she was super immature, clingy, and somehow able to ruin almost any social situation she entered. “Honestly, I love Brittany to death, and you know she’s my ride or die, but she’s also a total goddamned train wreck. She can’t go out without puking. She’s always slurring her words. And she’s kind of a fucking psycho, honestly. One minute she likes apples, and the next she doesn’t? God, sometimes I just want to smack her.” At press time, the Grishams could still be heard bitching about how much more fun they would have if they weren’t stuck with Brittany as their daughter, all while their toddler was listening quietly from the top of the stairs.

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