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So I Caught You Trying to Sneak an Ice Sculpture Through Security. Again.

Boarding pass and identifica– You two??

How many times are we gonna go through this? Like I told you, and him, your frankly grotesque Michael Caine ice sculpture is not getting within throwing distance of a plane.

Really, THAT thing, which would be a rejected Madame Tussaud’s sculpture on a good day, is actually two-time Academy Award winner Michael Caine? Then you wouldn’t mind if I asked him some questions?

Oh, that’s mighty convenient, him taking a vow of silence AND being jinxed. Plus that duct tape over his mouth.

…Boarding pass and identi– Come on!

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I can see that you’ve just put sunglasses on him. No, you’re not allowed to Weekend at Bernie’s him. That doesn’t even work when he can’t bend his body, on account of him being an INANIMATE BLOCK OF ICE.

…Boarding pass and– I hate this job.

Look down, there’s a little kid licking your friend. Now her tongue is frozen stuck on his thigh.

There’s an idea: maybe you can figure out a way to swallow him whole like a snake. What’re you– No! Do it in private! And stop asking the people in line behind you to start a chant!

…Boarding and iden– Here we go again.

I’ll tell you what I tell everyone in your position. Anything above three ounces isn’t seeing the other side of this checkpoint, so carve out your favorite three ounces of Michael Caine’s body—I’d pick his belly button, I can tell you that much—and you can take that through.

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Yes, you can take a minute to confer with him before you make the incision decision.

…Boarding and– There you are.

Is that an arm in your pocket or are you just happy to see me. For the fourth time.

Off the top of my head, I’d say the fact that you’ve cut off his face and put it over yours clued me into this, but I can tell you’ve just dismembered Michael Caine and tried to hide the parts. I’m not letting you through with these remains, so it seems the two and half of us are at a standstill.

…Boarding a– Oh god.

Blink if you’re being held against your will, Michael.

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…Boarding a– Oh I wonder who this could be?

I wish I could take a Zamboni to you. Both of you. And I say that to you, Michael, in spite of your work on Austin Powers in Goldmember. Pierced my heart.

…Boardin– Of all the gates in all the airports in all the world, why’d God let you walk into mine?

DO YOU NOT HAVE A PLANE TO CATCH? It’s been three hours.

…Board– Enough.

He’s completely melted. I can literally see you jumping in the puddle.

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Is the rest of Michael in that coffee cup? No, we don’t make exceptions to the liquid limit, not even for “ocean water” to throw on your grandpa’s ashes.

…Bo– Please.

Listen, I am at the end of my rope. I’m just trying to get through the day, and you’ve managed to make it harder than some infamously hard days for airports. That would be Saturdays.

Do you know how many people just like you I have to deal with every day? While you and I were playing this cute little game, another guy was trying to sneak through a motorcade. A long one. And I’m a people pleaser so please, don’t make me turn you away again. If that’s okay with you.

….You know what, I think I hear the lunch bell. I’m taking my break.

Do you mind turning in my gun and badge to my boss? Also this letter that says “I quit.” It was so nice to meet you, Mr. Caine.

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