Sometimes it feels as though love and attention come easy to everybody else, meanwhile, for us, dating feels like a string of painful rejections or endless cycles of feeling used and overlooked.
If you relate to this, today’s new video will provide a much-needed boost. It will help you overcome the pain of frequent rejection and reframe the situation you’re in so you can feel hopeful again.
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Matthew:
You’re not supposed to be for everyone. If you are for most people, you’re doing something wrong. You’re chameleonizing yourself, people-pleasing, being an inauthentic version of you.
How do we continue with the search for love when it feels like it’s so fruitless for us? When we feel invisible, when we feel like we keep going on dates that don’t go anywhere, maybe even dates with initial promise, where it felt like someone liked us, but then they never spoke to us again afterwards, it never materialized into another date.
Rejection hurts. And when we get too many rejections, it starts to make us want to quit altogether, because we feel hopeless. We think, “What’s the point?” And each new rejection just reiterates and reinforces this belief that we are not good enough, that we are not desirable, that we are not worthy. And when we feel that way, we will insert whatever is our biggest insecurity into that, “It’s because of my age. It’s because I’m not attractive enough. It’s because I’m not smart enough. It’s because I’m not successful enough. It’s because of my body.” We all have our insecurity that rejection attaches itself onto, but the painful part is the rejection. We would be unlikely to be insecure about that thing in the first place if we didn’t have rejection to attach it to.
So I wanted to talk today about how you could overcome that fear of rejection and continue putting yourself out there to find love. Because the greatest tragedy is when we quit, when we throw in the towel and we say, “I just can’t do this anymore,” then we deprive ourselves of the beautiful relationship that we could have. We also, by the way, deprive someone else out there who’s right for us of the beautiful relationship that they could have with us if we had just kept going.
Now, before I go any further, I’d love for you to like this video, subscribe to this channel if you haven’t already, and hit the notification bell, so that the next time I release a video, you get notified first.
Now, while we’re on that subject, let’s talk about a comparison that’s really relevant to you and your love life. Every time I make a video, there are people who will see the thumbnail for that video in their recommended feed, and they won’t click on it. Maybe they don’t like the title. Maybe they see my face and don’t like my face. Maybe they just think, “This guy’s not for me.” Maybe they think that any form of dating advice or help with their confidence isn’t for them. But they don’t click.
There are other people who click on it and within the first 10 seconds go, “Nah.” Or they get distracted by something else and they never come back. Some people watch to the end of the video and say, “I didn’t like it.” There are other people who get to the end of the video and think, “That was cool. I’m not going to watch anymore, but that was pretty good.” And then, there are all sorts of other people that continue the journey with me. Some of them hit like on the video, some of them subscribe to the videos. Some people become part of my Love Life Club, to be coached by me on a more intimate level. Other people decide, “You know what, Matt? I’d really love to come and spend six days with you in Florida on your Retreat.” Those are the people that really value me and what I have to say. Most people don’t get that far, and that’s okay.
When I make a video, I’m not trying to make it for everybody. I hope that whoever engages with it and watches it gets something out of it. I hope I leave people better than I found them, but I also know I’m not going to be for a lot of people, maybe even for most people, but that doesn’t matter. The goal isn’t to attract most people. The goal isn’t to attract everybody. The goal is to attract the right person.
Our love life is no different. I want you to get out of the mindset of wanting people to be attracted to you and get into the mindset of wanting to find the person who is right for you. And by definition, because you are rare and unique and special and nuanced, the person who’s right for you is going to be rare and special and unique and nuanced, and it’s going to work because the two of you value each other’s unique way of thinking, unique approach to life, the way that you enjoy life or go through life, your energy.
You are not supposed to be for everyone. If you’re for most people, you’re doing something wrong. You’re chameleonizing yourself to whoever comes along, adjusting to suit the needs of the person in front of you, people-pleasing, being an inauthentic version of you. If you’re doing things right, a lot of people, and I mean a lot of people, won’t want you, and that’s kind of a liberating thought.
Trent Shelton, shout out to Trent, a coach, I heard him recently use this example, that when it comes to success and selling people on your vision, your vision is seen through lenses that you wear. It’s a prescription that’s yours. So sometimes when someone else in life, be it for a business idea or somewhere we want to go in life, when they try on our glasses to see our vision, they’ll struggle to see it, because they’ll be like, “I can’t see clearly.” And his point is they’re not supposed to be able to see that clearly, it’s your vision. Those are your glasses. That’s your lens. That’s what makes it yours.
I kind of think that the same is true in dating, that most people aren’t going to be able to see all of the things that are really special about you, but someone will come along who will see your specific way of being, operating, viewing life and going through the world, and think, “That’s for me.” Most people won’t, which is why, by the way, I almost feel like we think that the more people get to know us, the more they should like us. But in some ways, the more people get to know us, the more they should get to a point of going, “I don’t know if this person is for me in a relationship,” because we’re revealing more and more and more about ourselves and we’re looking for that person who fits with that and vice versa.
So I actually think that we’re looking for a very specific kind of human being in this world, that wants to go through life with us. Why do we expect that to be easy? That shouldn’t be easy. I once had a person that I worked with who, at the end of a tough breakup, where I felt a sense of disappointment that this person wasn’t for me, I remember him saying to me at the end of this relationship, “Matt, I don’t think it gets to be that easy for you.” He said, “You’re a specific kind of person. I don’t think it gets to be easy for you.” And there was something liberating about that thought.
You know what, if I was truly going to find my soulmate, and I don’t believe in the one, but I do kind of believe in this idea of soulmate, someone who you just, on the deepest level, it feels right with them. I don’t think that finding that person shouldn’t necessarily be easy. And I kind of want to get you off the hook of thinking that that should be easy. I want to give you permission to go and get rejected, and that rejection is going to be worth it.
Because if you get rejected 50 times and the 51st person is that person, you’re going to be so glad that you got rejected 50 times. And more than that, you almost certainly needed to go and get rejected those 50 times in order to meet that person. Because if you go through your dating life hoping to be this assassin, you have a sniper rifle, you have one bullet in that gun, and your job is just to find the right person and fire, your odds are tiny. In order to get to that 51st person, you actually have to go through a bunch of things that are wrong. You have to go through a bunch of rejections.
And think about it, to find my people on YouTube, I have hundreds of thousands of people bouncing off of my videos and deciding it’s not for them. So in our dating life, where most of us have a handful of relationships in a lifetime, or maybe go on a handful of dates in a year, why do we think that we are going to get so lucky that it’s going to happen in one of those handful? For some people, it does, but for a lot of people it doesn’t. And that’s not because they’re awful and it’s not because they’re invisible and it’s not because no one wants them, it’s because they’re giving far too much weight to the rejections in their life and they’re allowing the rejections to make them go into their cave and just check out of the game altogether. You can’t do that because what is coming for you is too special.
Now, what I believe is that this isn’t just a numbers game. We actually have a high degree of influence. We can’t control everything about when we meet the right person and when it’s going to happen. But we have a high degree of influence. If we really believe in our vision, you know what Trent says about someone putting on your glasses may not be able to see your vision, that’s true. But if we really believe in our vision and we’re excited about it, and in dating, it’s your vision for your own value, your vision for where your life is going, your vision, your lens for how great life is and how happy you are, the more you connect to that and the more you believe in it, really believe in it, the more you are able to transfer that energy to somebody else.
It’s like me right now. If I connect deeply to what I’m saying, why is it that I have not . . . My videos aren’t for everyone, but why is it I have a big audience? I believe it’s because I really, really, really care about what it is I have. I really believe it’s valuable and I’m really connected to it. And I believe that when people like yourself watch these videos, you can feel that, and that’s why you stay, and that’s why people join me on bigger journeys.
And that’s something that I’ve had to work on in my life because I wasn’t always this sure of myself. I wasn’t always this confident. I didn’t always believe in my vision to this extent. And I know that if you’re getting rejected so frequently, you can get to a point where you feel like, “No one can even understand how hard this is for me, to keep putting myself out there.” And when we feel that what happens is we feel unattractive, we feel worthless. And so, we start to treat ourselves like that. We don’t go to the gym or we don’t take care of ourselves anymore because we think, “What’s the point?” We don’t do the things that love ourselves, that keep us feeling good, and then we start to become a worse version of ourselves because we’re not loving ourselves and we’re not taking care of ourselves. And that feeds back into dating again, and it becomes this spiral.
And that’s how people get a long way from feeling like their best selves anymore. They get so detached from their own value and their own confidence that it can be hard to find a way back. And the shame about that, and I say this with 15 years of doing this with people, and not one kind of person, not one demographic, not one age group, and seeing the results that happen for people if they can just stay in the game and if they can just bring the right energy to it in spite of all of that pain. And I know for some people that takes a whole different level of resilience than it does for other people, I know that. But when you do stay in the game, magical things do happen. You can find a relationship that is better than any relationship you’ve ever had in the past. You can find someone who actually is right for you, and you don’t need everyone to be right for you, you don’t. You don’t even need 99.9% of people to be right for you. You just need one.
The saddest part is that if we ever come across that one and our energy isn’t in the place where they can see our light, where they can see how great we are, we can lose out on the person that’s right for us.
So here’s my invitation to you. I want you to, in the face of all rejection, in the face of all pain, to still say to yourself, “I’m going to invest in making myself the most confident, happy version of me. And I’m going to accept that I’m going to be wrong for a lot of people. I’m going to accept that there’s more rejection on the horizon for me. I’m going to accept that I’m still going to have to go through some challenging situations. But I’m also going to keep in my mind the entire time that if I get my happiness to the right place and if I get my confidence to the right place, then I’m going to be able to move through all of that. And part it to the side, so that I can meet my person, the person that’s going to make it all worthwhile.”
Now, this October, I’m spending six days with an exclusive group of people that I’m going to be doing this with. I’m going to be working with them on transforming their confidence from the inside out, so that they have a completely different relationship with themselves, so that they fundamentally see themselves differently than they ever have before, so that they can bring a powerful energy to their love lives, and so that they can finally attract the relationship they’ve always wanted to attract.
And if you’d like to be a part of that, this moment right now is my invitation to you to apply. You can go to MHRetreat.com, you’ll find all of the information there. I hope you go and look into it. It’s my favorite thing in the world that I do, and I know that if you do this, it will be one of the greatest decisions you ever make in your life, and you will never stop thanking yourself for it. So I’ll see you over there, MHRetreat.com is the link. Thank you for watching this and thank you for being brave enough to not give up.
Fionnuala Mckenna
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