I haven’t had a lot of luck accurately predicting the outcome of the Super Bowl. In 2019, my computer simulation said Tom Brady would slam-dunk a bowling ball (opens in new tab) during the game, and he didn’t. In 2020, I said the Chiefs would score zero and lose (opens in new tab) and they scored 31 and won. I was really wrong in 2021 when I predicted the Super Bowl would have multiple raccoon attacks (opens in new tab). There wasn’t even one. How embarrassing.
The only reason I wasn’t wrong in 2022 is because I forgot to do a simulation entirely. But this year, trust me, my predictions are 100% accurate! Get Vegas on the horn and start placing some bets because my scientifically conducted computer simulation of Super Bowl LVII predicts:
- A big win for Philadelphia
- A record number of points scored
- More interceptions than seem humanly possible
- The most coaches falling over in a single game, ever
- The world record for helmets being knocked off players’ heads
How did I come up with this completely accurate information days before the real Super Bowl is even played? I used the excellent football simulator Football Simulator (opens in new tab) to simulate the football, and not only is it a great on-field football game but it’s got an incredibly realistic physics engine—or at least a ridiculously entertaining one.
I used Football Simulator’s equivalents of the real teams that will play this weekend. Rather than the Kansas City Chiefs and the Philadelphia Eagles, I’ve got the Kansas City Warlocks (a much better name) and the Philadelphia Phoenixes (a decidedly worse one). In my simulation, both sides are controlled by the computer, so none of the action on the field was influenced by me. All I did was watch and record the instant replays with the free camera.
After a Kansas City kickoff and a Philadelphia return to about the 25 yard line, the helmets start a-flyin’. Don’t ask me why, but helmets being knocked off players’ heads—which you typically don’t see happen in real football these days—happens constantly in Football Simulator. Another regular occurrence during the game: a ref completely eating it and then flopping around on the turf like a dying fish, which happens on the next play. Here it is in slow motion:
Philly’s first drive comes up short, but they kick a field goal, and the second play by the Kansas City offense results in the game’s first (of what will be many) interceptions. Two plays later the Philly QB takes the snap, stands completely motionless while staring at the ball for several seconds, and then abruptly hurls it into the end zone for a touchdown. Three minutes into the game, Philly is up by 10.
A moment later two coaches trip over a fallen player and then scuttle around like hermit crabs trying to get back on their feet:
So far this is all completely typical, normal football, but you paid your ticket and there’s really only one thing you want to see: players getting hit so hard their helmets go flying off. I’ve got you covered, and I’m keeping track of the helmet count the same way I’m keeping track of the score.
And the count is rising. There’s a total of four helmets coming off in the mess you can see below, three of Philadelphia’s and one of Kansas City’s. And don’t miss the player being ejected from the scrum as if he chose the wrong moment to sit in James Bond’s Aston Martin.
I know, the physics seem unrealistic, but I’m using a computer and computers aren’t wrong about this stuff. Kansas City scores a touchdown on the next play, and it’s looking like it could be a close game as the first quarter ends with a score of 10-7. But Philly scores on the next drive, intercepts KC’s first pass, and then scores again. Not even halfway through the second quarter and Philly is now up 24-7.
And yes, helmets are still flying off like crazy.
Kansas City is really struggling as a long drive ends with yet another interception as the game reaches halftime. So far, 2 refs and 5 coaches have fallen on their faces, and players have had their helmets knocked off a total of 23 times.
I think both teams need to invest in stronger chin straps. Or duct tape. Or staples. Something to keep those suckers firmly on!
The second half of the game is even more brutal. Philly scores a touchdown immediately. KC throws an interception, then Philly throws an interception, then KC gets picked off again—three turnovers in the space of a minute that lead to another Philly touchdown. Two more coaches and a ref have faceplanted and we’ve almost doubled the number of helmets that have flown off.
Most disturbingly, I’ve noticed that while pausing the replay to take pictures, players sometimes get tired of holding their facial expressions and just give up:
Maybe that’s what happens when you’re hit hard enough to get your helmet knocked off too many times. Even when time is standing still, the muscles in your face aren’t strong enough to maintain an expression for literally zero seconds. I am not pleased to have discovered this phenomenon. It feels cursed.
The score is a ghastly 38-7 as the fourth quarter begins, and KC finally comes to life, scoring three touchdowns in the next five minutes! Unfortunately, Philly also scores two more touchdowns of their own in that same amount of time.
Hate to say it, but if my computer simulation is right—and it is—Super Bowl LVII will be both a blowout and a bloodbath. The final score: Kansas City 28, Philadelphia 52. That’s a total of 80 points, higher than any combined score in Super Bowl history. There were also 11 interceptions, which I’m going to assume is another Super Bowl record without even bothering to look it up.
The rest of the stats:
- Passing yards (Philly): 416
- Passing yards (KC): 392
- Rushing yards (Philly): 9
- Rushing yards (KC): 2
- Falling coaches: 11
- Falling refs: 4
- Total helmets knocked off: 55
- Football Simulator on Steam: $20
[email protected] (Christopher Livingston)
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