The internet has backed a man who told his wife she would have to leave her job and look after their daughter if the toddler gets kicked out from daycare one more time.
In a post shared on Reddit‘s “Am I The A******” in July under the username u/Spirited_Block_6783, he explained that both he and his wife work full-time jobs so their 3-year-old daughter, Alexis, has been going to daycare for the past two years.
In this short amount of time, the little girl has been kicked out of two daycare facilities and is in danger of having to leave a third. The reason behind the dilemma is that the Redditor’s wife “is a micromanager” and needs to know what Alexis is doing at all times, making the situation uncomfortable for teachers and other staff members.
“I admit both of us went into the first program not really understanding daycare,” he wrote in the post. “I quickly learned that they can’t provide personalized care and after learning from [Alexis’s] teachers, I reset my expectations. My wife, however, has a lot of anxiety and worries about our daughter. She hates when she gets even a little upset. She’s in therapy and is working on it.”
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Despite taking measures to tackle her anxiety, the Redditor’s wife hasn’t let up with her micromanaging—and it’s causing problems.
“First program, my wife would constantly watch the live feed and call the daycare multiple times a day,” he wrote. “We had several talks about it and the school talked to us twice. My wife ended up screaming at one of the teachers and then the director. We were terminated immediately. Second daycare was a little better because my wife began therapy. But my wife was still so nervous and had a complaint every single day.
“These were not important things, small things like she saw another child took a toy from Alexis and she would cry. The teacher would give the toy back to Alexis but my wife didn’t understand why the other child wasn’t punished for it. This daycare didn’t kick us out but did eventually suggest that this may not be the best program for us. My wife and I decided to pull Alexis out.”
Now Alexis is in the only other daycare facility the couple can afford that hasn’t yet terminated them, but his wife hasn’t stopped her behavior. Once again, she is “bombarding,” the owner with texts every single day, according to the frustrated husband.
He recently got a complaint from the owners, who informed him that his wife had been violating their policies by calling them incessantly. He told her that if Alexis got kicked out of this program she would have to leave her job to look after their daughter because it’s her fault.
“My wife made a million excuses, including that it’s not her fault she’s anxious,” he said, adding that his comments upset her and she’s no longer speaking to him.”
For most American families, childcare is a burden that falls on mothers, according to data shared by the White House earlier this year. The data showed that mothers of children under the age of 6 spend an average of 2.8 hours per day on childcare, which is over 70 percent more time than fathers report.
Marni Goldman, a certified life coach and the author of True to Myself: Peace, Love, Marni, told Newsweek that while we don’t ask to be born the way we are, it’s our responsibility to heal ourselves from whatever mental health condition we are experiencing.
“When we become parents, and conditions are left untreated, our children become the recipients of unnecessary emotional damage,” Goldman said. “In this scenario, sweet Alexis has been moved from daycare to daycare, unable to create and maintain healthy bonds due to her mother’s constant overstepping of boundaries and obsessive need to micromanage. The mother is calling it anxiety, or is it manipulation not to relinquish her control?
“Most of the time when one says they can’t change, it usually means they won’t change. Telling her not to call the school obsessively is just putting a Band-Aid on the situation,” Goldman said. “There is a deeper problem within that needs healing. For right now, the only option might be to communicate with the daycare center. Be as honest and authentic as you can.
“For example, they might put together a call schedule to put your mind at ease.”
Goldman suggested that the woman and husband should discuss, “not argue,” about the possibility of flexible work arrangements that can accommodate her parental responsibilities while allowing her to continue her career and work on her mental health.
“Options such as remote and adjusted working hours, or part-time employment might provide much-needed relief. It’s important to remember that anxiety (or any other mental health condition) does not serve as a justification for inappropriate behavior,” Goldman said.
The post quickly went viral on the platform, and it has so far received over 26,900 views and 3,800 likes.
One user, Practical_Purple3158, commented: “[Not The A******]. To keep it 100% honest with you. 20 years down the line, your daughter is going to hate your wife and there’s a high chance she will not be part of your lives. Your wife is the exact definition of a toxic helicopter parent, she’s going to not only ruin your life (already in that process), your daughter’s life in the future, and her own life.”
Commenter laughter_corgis wrote: “[Not The A******]. My concern is if your wife is a micro-manager and she ends up staying home with your kid – this will not be a good option. My mother was a control freak growing up – took me a long time to try to get confidence after she destroyed the little I had.”
Redditor Aardeehar commented: “[Not The A******]. This needs to be nipped NOW. Your daughter will be picking up on her mom’s anxiety already. Your poor daughter – I grew up with a mom like your wife, and it gave me crippling anxiety issues I still struggle with. Your wife is a real piece of work for refusing to deal with her issues to your daughter’s detriment. Is she always this selfish?”
Newsweek reached out to u/Spirited_Block_6783 via Reddit for comment. We could not verify the details of the case.
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