The President of the United States had quite an interesting announcement earlier today. Sitting behind the desk in the Oval Office, President Joe Biden announced a new platform for his administration and the Democratic Party as a whole: Republicanism.
Seated in his chair, the American President had this to say, “My fellow Americans, I speak to you tonight about a critical issue. One that we, as Americans, need to get behind. One that will forever shape the direction not only of the Democratic Party but also our country as a whole.
“The issue is that of a shift towards Republicanism. What brings about this shift, you may ask? Well, as you know, I recently had the chance to visit Ireland, the land of my ancestors. I visited both the Republic and Northern Ireland.
“While in Northern Ireland, in the town of Derry, I made a stop at a pub. Several gentlemen at the pub helped me understand the plight that their people have been facing. It is an issue that affects not only Ireland but the world.
“For more than 3,000 years, they have been unfairly ruled and oppressed by the English. As the most powerful nation in the world, it is time to do something.
“Myself, the Democratic Party, and the United States government will work towards reuniting all 32 counties of Ireland. We will do all that we can to achieve this goal and drive out the English once and for all. Tiocfaidh ár lá! “I am going to have a long talk with Rishi and Charles about this!”
Later, the president announced he is going to organize flying columns to get things going and plans to ship over orders of AR-18s.
The speech and the new direction of the Biden Administration come as a shock to many. White House staffer Jimmy O’Connell was surprised by the new direction but with enthusiasm quickly told the media, “Up with the ‘RA!” As he walked away with a spry step, he could be heard singing “The Men Behind the Wire.”
VP Kamala Harris was also surprised by the direction. She knew something was up as recently Biden has begun all White House staff meetings by blasting “The Boys of the Old Brigade,” and during every Limo ride, he has played “Come Out Ye Black and Tans” while driving down Pennsylvania Avenue. She said it was not the plan she had for the Biden Administration but is going to do the best she can to work towards the goal.
Across the pond, on Mount Street, Fine Gael party staffers were quite shocked at the announcement from the American President. Though they love their American cousins, they feel they do not have enough understanding of the politics of Ireland and should stay out of them for the time being.
However, across the River Liffey in Parnell Square, the atmosphere at Sinn Féin could be described as a party. In one room, people were gleefully singing “The Boys of Kilmichael,” and in another, party officials including Gerry Adams could be seen performing “Rock the Boat.”
