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I got a lotta problems with President Donald Trump and the Republican Party, and now you’re going to hear about it!
It’s Festivus, the semi-fictional holiday from “Seinfeld” in which, among other things, revelers enjoy a holiday meal before airing their grievances from the previous year. And boy, do I have grievances.
To Trump: You should be being sentenced for the crimes you committed in your first term, but instead, you’re back in the Oval Office, enriching yourself through cryptocurrency schemes as well as corrupt shakedowns from major companies, colleges and universities, and foreign governments. Every day, you remind us of how unfit you are to occupy the White House, which you have defaced with tacky gold decor while paving over the Rose Garden and knocking down a wing of the building to construct an ostentatious ballroom—all while trying your best to starve the poor.
To Republican lawmakers: What is the point of being an elected official if you willingly neuter your own power and do nothing but stand by as Trump does what he wants, even when it hurts the people who voted for you? You’re all cowards who deserve to lose next year’s midterm elections, and I will do everything in my power to ensure that happens.
To Elon Musk: You embarrassing, ketamine-fueled fool. The damage you unleashed with your “Department of Government Efficiency” debacle will take decades to fix. The thought of you amassing a trillion dollars in personal wealth as you made Social Security harder for Americans to access, cut medical research funding for devastating diseases, cruelly fired thousands of federal workers, and ripped life-saving aid away from the neediest people on the globe makes me physically ill. Also, everyone still thinks you’re weird.
To Secretary of State Marco Rubio: No amount of debasing yourself at Trump’s feet will make you president in 2028. I hope throwing away your values was worth it!
To Attorney General Pam Bondi: Fuck you for making me have to defend former FBI Director James Comey. You are the worst attorney general in American history, among a list that includes Jeff Sessions, Bill Barr, and warrantless surveillant Alberto Gonzales. You should be disbarred.
To Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem and FBI Director Kash Patel: Fuck you for using my hard-earned tax dollars to fly around on private jets trying to boost your own images so you can cash in again on your right-wing grift once you are inevitably fired for being awful at your jobs.
To border czar Tom Homan: You should be in jail right now for (allegedly) taking a bag full of $50,000 from undercover FBI agents in exchange for (allegedly) promising to facilitate lucrative government contracts. Justice is hopefully coming for you in the next Democratic administration.
To Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents: You are sick people. Wearing masks to hide your identities as you racially profile passersby, violently arresting them without warrants, and sending them into squalid conditions where they have to fight for their release—all to hit an arbitrary quota set out by Trump and his racist aide Stephen Miller. You have to be a true sociopath to carry out this deportation agenda—targeting millions of people who just want to provide better lives for their families—and then go home to your families and say you are proud of your work.
To major corporations, law firms, universities, and world leaders: You are cowards. Rather than band together to stand up to the shakedowns from Trump and his goons, you folded like wet noodles, throwing money at Dear Leader in the hopes that you would be spared the worst of his wrath. In the process, you’ve helped fund a corrupt presidency, weakened your institutions, and will go down in the history books as losers who did the wrong thing at a pivotal moment. You all deserve every ounce of scorn that’s hurled your way.
And to those who voted for Trump—is this really what you voted for? Crippling tariffs? Out-of-control prices? Rising unemployment? Health insurance premium spikes? Militarized cities? Masked immigration officials terrorizing neighborhoods? Last year’s election was an open-book test, and you failed. I hope you have the day you voted for.
With that out of the way, feel free to air your own grievances in the comments. We all need some group catharsis after the year we’ve had.
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Emily Singer
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