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Please note the word “offer.” A lot of people do not want their partner there with them or do not care at all.
Adrienne asked her partner to come over to her house for her self-managed abortion. “I asked him ‘Would you mind coming over tonight?’” she said. “He agreed, but had stuff to do that night. So he was like ‘I’ll come over between this thing and this other thing.” And then I didn’t hear from him. I gave him an hour, because he’s always late. I tried calling and texting and it went to voicemail. And then I didn’t hear from him for the next five days. He did post a photo of him chugging beer with his friends.”
Another woman, Jessica, had a D&C (which stands for dilatation and curettage, a surgical abortion procedure), said she also had a very “hands off” partner. “My partner gave me half the money but that was it. And it’s like…I have to get there. You usually have to have a known driver to be there with you to take you home. Often a Uber or Lyft just isn’t really enough.” Jessica said that she also wanted less tangible support: “With all of the laws passing, everything just feels harsher. It’s really hard not to feel like you’re doing something wrong even if you know morally you’re not.”
Not sure what to say or do? Just be there. Show up, bring snacks, don’t make it about you. Adrienne had another partner around that time who found out what she was going through. “I told him ‘I’m literally just lying on the floor right now.’ He’s like, ‘Great. I’ll come lie on the floor with you.’”
4. Split the cost of an abortion, yes, but also birth control.
Most insurance covers birth control, but it doesn’t always cover the costs of visiting a doctor to get birth control. (And not everyone is insured, obviously). It also doesn’t usually cover emergency contraception, or Plan B, bought over the counter. No matter what you and your partner are using, you should be paying half. Don’t wait for your partner to ask, just say, “How much do I owe you for X?” X here is something like “your IUD,” “your birth control appointment.” And if you don’t know what X is, exactly, it’s time to learn. Think of it this way: you’re paying a very, very small fee to not have to pay for daycare in two years.
5. Know what abortions are and how they work.
There are two basic types of abortion—surgical and medicated. Medicated or self-managed abortion is done with a series of two pills (one of which is the one being discussed in the case brought to the Supreme Court). At-home medicated abortion is incredibly safe, and has been used worldwide for decades.
6. Know what miscarriages are and how they work.
Miscarriage is when someone experiences pregnancy loss before 20 weeks. (After that, pregnancy loss is called stillbirth.) About 10 to 20 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. D&Cs and abortion drugs are commonly prescribed when someone has a miscarriage—bodies don’t always give birth simply because a baby is no longer viable. Lack of access to abortion pills or D&Cs can lead to serious health issues like sepsis and infection for people who have miscarriages in restrictive states.
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Sophia Benoit
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