Does absence really make the heart grow fonder . . . especially when the person you’re into seems to forget you exist when you’re not in the same room?
As a result of these mixed signals, you might even ask yourself: “Should I try to invest in this relationship, even more, to show how serious I am? Or would it be better to mirror their behavior and go cold?”
In today’s video, I walk you through what you must absolutely NOT DO in this scenario . . . plus I give you two very specific text messages that can (finally!) get you out of this frustrating situation.
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Are you in a situation with someone where when you are with them, it feels amazing, you feel connected to this person, you feel like they shower you with attention, they are there, they’re excited, they can’t get enough of you, and then when you’re apart, you feel like you don’t exist? You don’t get their attention. They barely communicate with you. It gets very, very cold. It creates a crazy-making scenario where you feel like you’re living in two completely different worlds, the one where this person is extremely into you and then this complete other reality where it doesn’t seem like this person is thinking about you at all. In this video, I’m going to walk you through some classic mistakes to avoid in this scenario and I’m going to give you two very specific text messages to get you out of it.
Now, before I do, make sure you like this video, subscribe to this channel, and hit the notification bell. Literally right now, hit the Like button. If by the end of the video, you’ve decided I don’t like it, you can always unlike it. But for now, like it. Let’s talk for a moment about a classic mistake that people make in this scenario and then use it as justification to keep going with this person. Now, the problem is there’s a big difference between attention and intention. Attention is when someone is just giving us attention and looking for attention when they want to experience something romantically. Intention is when I have a vision for myself romantically, when I actually see myself creating something, building something. And when someone goes hot and cold in this way, what they’re showing you is they’re all about attention but not intention.
When they disappear, that’s a massive red flag, and the reason it’s a red flag is because it says, “I’m interested in having a romantic experience with you, but I’m not interested in making romantic progress with you.” Think about it. When someone goes cold, what do they say are the excuses? “I’m busy with work. I’m busy with friends. I’m busy with family. I’m busy with my hobbies.” But what that tells you is they are busy with their priorities. They are busy with things that they want to move the ball forward on, things they want to progress. I want to progress my business, which is why it’s getting my time. I want to progress my friendships, which is why they’re getting time. I want to progress my skill in this hobby, which is why it’s getting my time. So by that logic, you have to then say the reason you’re not hearing from them is because their romantic life with you is not something they’re trying to progress. It’s just something they want to experience in moments that are convenient to them.
The second mistake people make is mirroring that person’s behavior in a situation like this. Now, a lot of people do this feeling like they’re following things I’ve said over the years. So, for example, many people have heard me, if you followed me for a long time, you know that I’ve said many times, invest in who invests in you. Don’t invest in someone based on how much you like them. Invest in someone based on how much they invest in you. So then what happens is someone says, “Well, he was great when we were together, but now he’s gone cold so I’m going to stop investing because he’s not investing in me.” So they mirror that behavior and they go cold too. The problem is it actually ends up giving that person exactly what they might want, especially if they’re a player type, if they’re an avoidant.
Then they get exactly what they want in that scenario. “Oh wow, I can call them up when I want to see them, have an amazing time, have all that passion,” because you reward that investment. “Oh, he wants to see me now,” reward that investment by seeing him. “But when I’m not with her, she doesn’t bother me. This is perfect.” So the danger is you actually end up playing into their hands in that way. Or something equally bad happens, which is you going cold ends up attracting exactly the kind of guy you want to avoid, the player or the avoidant who gets turned on, gets attracted to you, suddenly going cold and withdrawing. The person that gets excited by you withdrawing is the person who’s energized by the game. And, of course, the problem with that is if you set up that dynamic, that game doesn’t stop.
The moment you turn around to meet them, they’re not interested. When you turn away and withdraw again, they come for you. So now you get stuck in that cycle. So how do you break that cycle? How do you apply what I’ve always said, which is invest in who invests in you, within the context of the situation of the person who’s going hot and cold? We have to be willing to withdraw our attention but with direct communication about what we don’t like in their behavior. So what we’re doing is taking the opportunity not just to withdraw, but to educate them on why we’re withdrawing. Now, it doesn’t make sense to do this if someone isn’t reaching out to you for a date, because there’s nothing to withdraw from. In order to educate them on why you are withdrawing, they have to be making an ask.
Now, the ask may be, “I really want to see you this weekend,” or it might be, “I miss you.” How is I miss you an ask? Well, it’s an ask for attention. I’m asking for you to give me validation back and tell me you miss me. When someone makes an ask, that’s your moment to communicate how you are feeling. And the reason, by the way, that people don’t communicate how they’re feeling is because they want to play this cool girl, or in a man’s case, cool guy. The danger of playing “cool girl” is that it attracts the wrong guys. It also doesn’t model the kind of behavior that would reveal the right guys. It doesn’t give the right guys something to see and go, “Oh, this is exactly what I’ve been looking for. This is exactly the vulnerability and the integrity and the character that I’ve been looking for.” You become invisible to the kinds of people who want the relationship that deep down you crave.
So here’s what we’re going to do. This person, after a week or two weeks of being cold and distant, suddenly pops up again and sends you a message. They may say, “I’ve been thinking about you. I would love to see you.” Here’s what you send back. “If I’m being honest, I’m a little surprised you want us to go on another date. I haven’t felt like we’ve been that close recently as I’ve not heard from you very much. I guess I just assumed we weren’t in the same place as each other.” What I like about this text is that you’re not expressing all of this upset and all of this sadness about where it’s gotten to. There’s something a bit matter of fact about it like, “I’m surprised to hear from you because I haven’t felt that close to you.” It’s almost past tense already. “I guess I just assumed we weren’t in the same place.” There’s a matter-of-factness about that.
It’s not, “I’ve been sitting here ruminating over the fact that we’re not in the same place. It’s just based on your actions, I already put you into a not that important category.” Now, we can quite easily figure out what someone might send in response to that. The instinct is to be a little defensive and to say, “Oh, I’m sorry. I’ve been really busy recently. I have a lot going on right now. It’s been a really busy time.” Let’s say he throws out some excuses like that. Now is your opportunity to educate him on what your standards are. “I totally get it. I have a lot going on too, so I know what it’s like, but something I really value is consistency. You and I have such a good time together, but I don’t feel like we’re very connected when we’re apart.” Here’s why this works. Firstly, it’s showing empathy and understanding. You’re applying a compassionate lens to the fact that he has a lot going on.
But you’re also saying, “I get it because I’m also busy. It’s not like I have nothing going on and you have loads going on and that’s why I don’t feel like there’s enough communication. It’s that I’m willing to make time for communication in spite of the fact that I have a lot going on.” You then go on to say, “But something I really value is consistency.” So now you’re very explicitly stating something you value and you’re pointing out the fact that he’s been anything but consistent. And that is why you feel distant and that’s why you can’t just jump into being flirtatious and arranging a date. You then say, “You and I have such a good time together.” That’s the warmth. That’s the moment where you get to say, “Hey, I am acknowledging that it’s awesome when it’s great between us, but I don’t feel like we’re very connected when we’re apart.” And I use the word “we’re”, I don’t feel like we’re very connected there because you’re not pointing the finger, you’re saying, “I just don’t feel like we’re very connected when we’re apart.”
So there’s still a “we” in this. You’re inviting him to step up and be better, but you’re not doing it in a way where you’re pointing fingers. I’ll say this at this juncture, in order to send this text with any integrity and with any potency, you need to be ready to lose this person before you send it. Otherwise, however, well you do at sending these messages I’ve crafted, your response after that will soften and show weakness and show that this standard isn’t real, it’s just a tactic, and before you know it you will have undone any respect and attraction that is created by this bold communication. Ultimately, you have to decide which category of person you want to be in this person’s life. Do you want to be another person they leave in their wake? Or do you want to be the person that says, “This is what I need and if I don’t get that, I’m not going to invest my time and energy in you”?
Now, that may not convert the wrong guy into the right guy, but it does have the potential to stop the right guy in his tracks when he sees an uncommon standard that is worth living up to. Did you enjoy the message that I gave in this video? Did it feel helpful? Do you want 67 more just like that, that can help you actually move your situation with someone forward instead of getting stuck in the phase you are in? Well, if you do, I have a program called The Momentum Texts. Now, before you click off the video, because I know you’re about to, you enjoyed the video and you’re like, “Next,” it’s $7. And if you’re sick and tired of getting stuck in this casual phase of dating or getting stuck on the apps and endless texting that never results in real dates or dates that never evolve into an actual relationship, if you’re so tired of it you could throw a shoe, then go over to MomentumTexts.com.
It’s right here. There’s the link. I care about it so much, I’m shoeless. Go check it out, MomentumTexts.com. It’s got something for everybody and it’s $7. That’s mental, $7. You know how long this program took me to create? $7. You know what? No, no, you can’t have it. Jameson, take the link off the screen. Enough. It’s too much. I tell you what, if I find out a single one of these people has gone to MomentumTexts.com, I’ll throw a shoe at you.
Fionnuala Mckenna
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