A user on Mumsnet has asked for readers to “go easy” on her after recounting a situation she found herself in recently with her brother-in-law, following up with “actually I probably deserve everything I get.”
As of publishing time, 224 people have commented on the post by Lyndsb, in which she describes how her husband of 23 years died suddenly, 14 months ago, leaving her with three children aged 12, 13 and 15. “It has been a devastating time for us,” she explains. “I have always been close to BIL (DH brother). I have known him as long as DH. He is separated 6 years and not in contact with his ex. Not in a relationship.” She goes on to explain how her three children recently stayed with their grandparents: “first time they have been away from me since their dad died.” After going out for dinner and drinks with her brother-in-law and some mutual friends, she suddenly needed to go home and he followed.
After a few drinks “we both got a bit emotional and BIL hugged me. One thing led to another and we slept together. He stayed the night and held me all night. Sunday morning was awkward and I made some excuse to go get the kids. He said he would get dressed and head of. He text and rang me a lot yesterday. I didn’t talk to him on the phone just text.
“Both of us are confused and upset. I don’t know what to do. I’m a horrible person. My DH was the love of my life. I can’t stop thinking about what I have done.”
According to the Census Bureau, the average age of a widow in the U.S. is 59. Some sources believe that the age has been brought down in recent years by COVID, as in 2019 there were 8.9 million widows, compared with 2.6 million widowers.
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Newsweek spoke to Amira Johnson, a licensed master social worker at Atlanta-based Berman Psychotherapy. “Losing someone you love can change your world,” she told Newsweek. “It can bring about feelings and emotions you could not even imagine having.” The complicated and painful feelings one can experience after a trauma like this can also lead to doing something that might not feel right or acceptable considering the situation, Johnson suggests.
“It is hard to lose a loved one in general, but especially when you have kids involved, and have helped them through their grieving process while dealing with your own. I want to start by saying there is no “timeline” for grief. Everyone deals with it in their own way and in their own time frame. So for her to still be confused or have emotions buried away months after is normal.
“Dealing with grief is hard, so here are some tips for dealing with grief: Accept some loneliness because it is completely normal. But do not completely cut yourself off from the world. Be gentle with yourself and try not to judge yourself for not doing or being ‘better.’ Embrace all the emotions you are feeling and remember that those feelings come and go. Note, everyone deals with grief differently, so what might work for some may not work for others. And that is OK.”
User Aeio said, “Be kind to yourself. You haven’t actually done anything wrong. When you’re ready, talk things through with him and clear the air. Please be kind to yourself.”
User Terrariatime commented, “My friends friend did this too after she lost her husband. It’s understandable really, he’s the nearest thing you have to him. Don’t beat yourself up, grief manifests in many ways.”
User BoredOfLooking wrote, “It’s a very common thing to happen after a bereavement of spouse/sibling. I only see two bereaved people finding comfort in each other, I don’t see either of you have done anything wrong at all. Your husband is still the love of your life, nothing has changed there at all.”
Newsweek was not able to verify the details of the case.
If you have a similar family dilemma, let us know via [email protected]. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
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