[EP41] Why Do Men Lie?

Transcript

Welcome back to another episode of the awakened wife, I am Jachym Jerie from your exceptional relationship dot com. And today we are looking at why husbands or men lie in relationships. Now, there may be various amounts of reasons why someone lies and they don’t just apply to men, they may apply to women as well. However, it’s just useful to look at it through the lens that you are in, which is your wife or girlfriend at the moment. And you’re wondering, you know, what, why is he lying to me? Now when it comes to lying? For for men, they stitch different reasons, the very first one is that they’re insecure, right? 

So I am insecure about my job, my family, my friends, my hobbies. And in order to cover it up, I lie, I lie about what I do, or what I’ve done, or who I’ve met, because I feel like you are going to perceive it in a negative life. So ultimately, you can boil down the whole line to preserving a self image, not just a self image for himself, but an image for you how he wants you to perceive Him. And so if he thinks that what he’s doing or with whom he’s hanging out, is somehow bad. It’s not good enough, then he’s going to lie about, is it something mature? Absolutely not. But not everyone is mature. And not everyone is meant to wear all the time. Another reason that husbands lie, is because they want to get their way. 

So I would like to have, I don’t know, jeans or something like that. And do you think it’s out of the budget, and I lie about getting them. Because I want them but I don’t want to discuss it with you. So I want to get what I what I want to get what I want. And I want to avoid negative consequences. So I lied about. That’s another reason why by husbands lie. Which brings us to the next point, which is very related, which is that I don’t want to get in trouble. Now this is a really important one. Because if you have a dynamic in your relationship that resembles more a mother and son than a lover, or a wife and a husband, then he thinks he’s going to get in trouble. And in order to avoid the trouble, he’s going to to lie about what he has done. 

Just like you would to a parent, like you know, you know you’ve been a naughty child. And in order to avoid getting in trouble with your parent, what do you do, you just lie. Now if that’s the case, you actually want to make sure that you changed the dynamic in the relationship. You do not want to cultivate a mother son relationship or parent kid relationship, you don’t want to have that kind of relationship in a romantic relationship. That’s not the place to have it. And it will ultimately be dissatisfying to both parties, because the need for romantic relationship is not being met through the romantic relationship, which then leads to cheating and all kinds of other things. So if you’re finding that your husband is lying, because he thinks he’s going to get into trouble, you do want to re evaluate how you are showing up in your relationship. 

How are you reacting when he does make a mistake? Are you scrolling? Are you telling him off? Are you criticizing him? Or are you learning to be giving, you know, feedback in a way that’s constructive rather than destructive? So make sure you’re not in this kind of relationship because that will lead to lying for sure. Now, another reason why husbands lie is because when you two got together, you didn’t set a good foundation for the relationship, meaning you didn’t set a foundation where you communicated clearly and enforced that as well that you have an honest relationship. It’s important to set that foundation to communicate that. And to then live up to that, meaning when you screw up and you think you’re gonna get into trouble by him, because maybe he’s in that instance more of the parent, then you want to say anyways, you want to actually live up to that honesty that you say you want to have in their relationship. So be aware that the foundation of the relationship is really important and crucial.

That’s why in our cherished wife program, we work with people on creating the right building blocks for to relationships, so that it’s set on a sturdy foundation. Because if the foundation is all wonky, you can’t build a proper house on it, you can’t have a good relationship on a wonky foundation. So it is absolutely crucial and vital that you have a good foundation. Now, why else do men or husbands lie? Well, they are also people who are compulsive liars, in which case he has somewhat of what we call a mental disorder, because it’s not normal behavior. If that’s the case, you may want to seek professional help. Because a compulsive liars, it’s almost like an addiction really. 

And that changes the game, or to the level that you’re playing at, because addictions do have their unique flavor as well, that you, you don’t want to be an enabler in that regard. But let’s set that aside and assume that your husband isn’t a compulsive liar, or is addicted to lying. The the other reasons that I’ve mentioned which was that we’re being insecure, wanting to get what he wants, staying out of trouble, they are the most common reasons for lying. And they can take all kinds of flavors. In, in a relationship, it can be in regards to cheating, he can be in regards to either no going out and having fun while pretending to be at work. It can be about who he’s hanging out with. And ultimately, lying is really a indication for a immature mindset that your husband doesn’t know how to deal with conflict, that he doesn’t know how to set boundaries, he doesn’t know how to communicate properly. 

And he doesn’t know how to stand up for himself. Because if you know how to communicate properly, you know how to stand up for yourself. You have no issue with conflict and talking about things. And then why do you need to lie? Most of the time you don’t. Now there is something else that men can revert to when they say they’re why they’re lying. And that is to protect the other person. So he wants to protect your feelings. And in order to protect your feelings he lies. So you put on a dress that you really like, and he knows you really like it. But he doesn’t like it, nor does he think that it suits you. But he just says I hear look beautiful. And so he’s lying, because he’s trying to give you what he thinks you want to hear. Now, if that’s the case, you want to start to show him that you can take truth. If he doesn’t like a dress, or a food that you make or vacations that you plan or whatever it is that you do. 

You want to hear that he doesn’t like it. However, you also need to make sure that when he does say that is not going to backfire on him. Because if it’s there’s a whole drama that’s going to come from him being honest, he’s going to choose the easy route, he’s going to say, You know what, I’m going to lie about it because I don’t have time for a discussion right now, or for a meltdown right now, or for whatever else, I don’t want to go into that. So I’m just going to choose these route and I’m going to lie. Now you see in this scenario, you actually have a lot of power, because he’s behaving this way, partly based on the reactions that are coming from you when he does tell the truth. Now, is lying always bad? I don’t think so. However, it needs to be discussed within the couple, you know, within your relationship. 

Now, for example with me and Natasha, we don’t lie. I’m not going to tell her that she looks beautiful in a dress when she doesn’t. We I want to give For the honest feedback, and I want to hear the honest feedback, that’s how we have structured our relationships in our relationship there isn’t lying, there may be a time and a place where it’s just good to say, look, I don’t want to share this, I don’t want to discuss something. So that’s totally okay. You don’t have to revert to lying to avoid a topic if you’re not ready to discuss something. And so, it’s important to to know that, you know, some men are actually very sensitive to your feelings. And maybe that’s actually not true. Maybe they’re not just sensitive to your feelings, but they are also sensitive to their own feeling and what implications it does have for him, if he does say the truth, I think that’s probably more accurate example than the other way around. 

Because most of the time, the behavior that we exhibit is really about us. Now, even if he were to be sensitive about your feelings, and he doesn’t want to hurt you. Ultimately, it’s still about him, because how does he feel when your feelings get hurt, he feels bad, it feels horrible, he doesn’t want to feel horrible. Or he has a self image that he’s a very nice man. And he takes care of you and takes care of your feelings and all of that. And that kind of self image is being held up. And so he’s justifying the line by trying to keep that image in place. So you can see now, how the whole topic of line how we start to peel back the layers of the onion of what’s the, the underpinnings the workings underneath. And most of the time, it comes down to trying to avoid negative feelings within you trying to avoid clashing with your self image and trying to get positive feelings and trying to reinforce a positive self image. That’s what it boils down to. 

Now, of course, that is somewhat simplified, however, it is probably a very accurate simplification. Because from there, you can take all shades that lion can take and why it happens. Now, if you’re finding yourself in a relationship where your partner is lying, you do want to consider why like, do I want to have a relationship like that? As said, like, if you think some amount of lying is okay, because you know, it’s nice to hear that he likes to dress even though he doesn’t. And because you actually don’t want to have the honest opinion. You just want to wear what you want to wear. And you want to know that he feels good about it, even though if he doesn’t, that’s fine. There’s there’s no right and wrong hear. Some people actually think it’s a good idea to keep certain things to themselves, or to have some white lies here. And they’re totally fine. Some people I mean, Natasha, prefer not to have any white lies whatsoever. 

Just let’s be honest with each other. Does that mean we never do white lives? I think it’s rare. But it probably it can happen. I would I would assume I would have to pay attention actually a bit more to see if if they sneak in. But overall, we have a very, very honest relationship. And that’s what feels right. And the reason why it feels right to us is because I’m just speaking of course, my behalf here is because the the line can quickly get blurred. Like when is a white lie? Okay, and when does it turn to actually something bigger? 

It’s a white lie, I’m just rationalizing that it’s a white lie. But actually, it’s a bit more than that. You see, now you start have to manage those things. So for me, it’s just simpler to just be like, let’s just be honest. Let’s just be honest. Now there’s a difference between being honest and being insensitive. Like if there’s a topic that’s difficult for your partner, and you just state state it straight out how it is and what’s going on. Your partner may feel attacked me get defensive and all that. And so that each and so you may think like oh, you see I can’t be honest, because my partner is reacting this way. However, the feedback you’re getting is that the way you’re presenting the information may not be the right way of going about it. So there is a way of presenting information that is more useful and more gentle, more caring and more empathetic and compassionate towards your partner. So don’t think that just because your partner is reacting in certain way that it is now a justification to revert back to lying, for example, you can even say this stuff while you talk to your husband, you know, when you won’t have an honest conversation or relationship? 

And he says, Well, I would love to have that. But you know, most of the time, if I do tell the truth, you’re reacting a certain way. And you can show him well, how can he present information in a way that is useful for you that you’re not going to get offended? By? And I do recommend looking at yourself as well and see, where are Am I getting offended? And why is it so difficult to hear a truth about the relationship, my body? What are where whatever? Why is that so difficult for me, because if you can, if you can start changing that it takes away some of the challenges that your husband may face in sharing the truth. And he may be more courageous in sharing truth. Now, when he is truthful, you want to acknowledge it, and you want to positively reinforce it and say that you appreciate, even if it stings, or it hurts, you want to still let him know that this is the right choice he has done a year I’m glad that he spoke honestly appreciate it. 

And you want him to keep sharing the truth, even if it hurts, because ultimately it will be the foundation on which a fulfilling relationship can be built. If it’s built on lies, it is dissatisfying because you have to twist yourself and change yourself so that your partner is accepting of you. And that’s just not right. It’s not going to be a exceptional relationship. It can’t be so make sure that when he does speak honestly, do technology and appreciate as the saying goes, You know what, what was it were you pay attention to the attention, energy follows attention, something in that regard. Basically, what you pay attention to will come more plentiful off. So if you keep paying attention to where he’s lying and stuff, starting to pay attention to where he’s being honest, and starting to appreciate that you may very well get more lies rather than more honest feedback and more truth. So these are the reasons why man lie. Now, what are you going to do about I’ve already shared various ideas that you can implement, starting today. 

However, the real the most important thing is is that you are clear within yourself, what kind of relationship you want to have with your husband. The clearer you are, the easier it is to create that relationship. The more fogged up you are and unclear you’re, we’re not specific. The harder is to create. And sometimes you don’t actually know what you want. You think you know, but you don’t actually know. Because some women are like, I want to hear the truth. And then they hear the truth and alleged Damn, I actually don’t want to hear the truth. Let me go back to hearing all the nice things that made me feel good. That’s what I actually prefer. Nothing wrong with it. But you do you want to be careful with what you are wishing for. Now, here’s the case, for being honest. It gives you and your husband the opportunity to both stand in your power and your truth, to feel the friction and the difference between the both of you. 

And to find a way forward that encompasses and honors both positions. You’re not going to get that opportunity. If you are going to lie. He’s not going to get the opportunity and you’re not going to get the opportunity which means you are to some degree Cori stunting the growth of yourself and the relationship by lying. So if you want to grow together, if you want to have a more fulfilling relationship, you want to stand in your power and your truth and not back away, people pleasing, or because that’s another, that’s another form of lie, right? I’m just not going to see it, I’m not going to stand up for what I actually want, because I’m afraid he’s gonna get angry, or that’s the same thing that’s just, again, lying in a different format, you may not call the lie, but ultimately, it’s actually another lie. And so you can’t find your way as a couple if you’re not both standing into truth. And especially if you have one of you has to coping mechanisms of becoming more harsh, so that the outer backs off. So very common one, a lot of people don’t like anger, 

I don’t like anger myself. However, it doesn’t prevent me from standing up and speaking the truth when appropriate, then sometimes it is appropriate to step away and, and make space for your partner but not from a place of fear. When we are coming from a place of fear, it becomes extremely hard to actually create the relationship of your dreams, the marriage of your dreams. So you want to align yourself towards love, rather than fear. And that starts with yourself. Okay, when you are starting to align yourself towards love, and you think that means to just do whatever your husband wants, that’s not love, because you’re leaving out an important part of the relationship. And that’s you. So you need to start respecting yourself, loving yourself, honoring yourself, honoring what you stand for honoring your dreams, honoring what you want, honoring the hurt that you have inside of you. And so you may be wondering, wait a second, this this episode, I thought I’m going to talk about the husband. Yes, we are. 

But you’re the one listening to this episode. And you have the power to transform the relationship by focusing on yourself and where you are coming from yourself. Because when you change and you don’t do the same dance, as you used to, he can’t do the same dance anymore, either. Because we communicate a lot more through our body, our eyes, our tonality our energy than we do through the words we say. And so if he starts to share something, and you’re tensing up or getting defensive, he noticed that he may not be aware of it, but he notices it at some level. So honesty comes from openness within yourself. And openness to receive an openness to hear an openness to change. Because when we lie, you can’t create change, because there’s no truth in it anymore. It’s a lie after all. 

So check in with yourself when your husband is talking to you. And notice how your body reacts. Are you tensing up? Is your heart closing? Is your stomach clenching? Is your head tilting down? And you start to look away? Or starting to roll your eyes? Or what are you doing? How are you reacting? Start noticing that and start practicing openness, love and truth in yourself. It’s not the easiest practice. It can be quite uncomfortable when you start to discover that you do have behaviors that are not very pleasant for your partner, that you do have things that are difficult or not nice. That can be quite painful to realize, but it is the way forward. Because when you know it, you can address it. If you don’t know it, you can’t address it. 

Does that mean you’re eventually going to be the perfect wife, the perfect person because all your blind spots have come to light and you’ve taken care of all of them? No. We don’t strive for perfection because that’s just not our ideal. What we strive for is to be more wholesome within ourselves and our relationship and to cultivate what’s actually important to us in the relationship rather than cultivating what we don’t want to have in our lives in the relationship out of fear for certain reactions. 

So with that, I’d like to wrap it up. If you are interested in working with us and head over to your exceptional relationship.com forward slash cherished, you can check out our cherished wife program. And I am grateful for your listening and I’m looking forward that you’re tuning in, in the next episode where we’re diving more deeply into the topic of honesty and authenticity. All right, Till then, take care. Bye bye