In a great monotheistic religion like Christianity, it’s important to have multiple gods.
Along with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost (should that be an Oxford comma or… is the whole thing meaningless anyway, so…?), the elders, patriarchs, and popes of Christianity have added another god.
Larry.
All Christians, especially Catholics, who do not swear by, kneel before, pray to, kiss the ring of, or salute-in-passing the Great God Larry… have SINNED!
(Without capitals, there can be no true sins and sinners, and thus, no religion. Discuss.)
Catholics especially love this new god. They already have about a million ways to send their beloved followers to Hell (I think masturbation is probably the easiest way to get into Cath Hell, so essentially EVERYONE is going there… See ya when I see ya, with sticky fingers), but now with an extra god, there will be a million more methods of damnation.
If you sneeze on the Great Larry’s Day… that’s a shot of Hell for ya, fella. Got an itch near one of your naughty bits – not allowed to say the crude word or the crude body part so as not to enrage Larry (Blessed Be His Name) – and you dared to scratch it, Larry’s gonna be pissed!
But who or what is Larry?
Gods are all about wanting stuff when no one will listen. Without human beings, there can be no god. You pray for rain or gold or golden showers, that’s why gods were invented. Larry will be taking prayers of only the small stuff.
An example prayer will be: “Oh Great Larry… can my boss just forget I exist today so I don’t have to hear his jokes, his critique of my moustache, or smell his ‘deodorant’ that smells like Ox asshole? In Larry’s name.”
Then you MUST cross yourself, smack your elbows and knees, then lick a finger and draw a circle on your forehead, then smack a cheek (right is preferred, but left shall be acceptable – on your face, not your ass – comedians all go to hell, so enough with the jokes while praying to Larry, funnyman), then smack both your cheeks while playing a song, possibly “The Flight of the Bumblebee.” Lots of actions must go with the prayer, or Larry won’t take it seriously, and it could be ignored. As with all gods, do NOT piss Larry off! He will smite your ass!
Or maybe, “Oh Heavenly Larry, can you please give Marsha a case of the crabs for saying that stuff about me to Fran at the office – who believes everything from everyone – and so what if I had lipstick on my teeth and a booger rimming a nostril – old Marsha had to just leap on my face all afternoon even after I went to the ladies’ room and cleaned myself up – she doesn’t know when to quit! – oh, but if it was her with an imperfection – then she would be a victim forever and ever, and we’d never hear the end of all her triggers!… ahem, sorry, Larry, I’ll stop now. So… crabs? Or lice, whatever fits. Use your discretion.”
Larry is the god you’ll pray to with your petty concerns. Will He listen and reply? Does any god? Oh sure, if you think that cloud is the answer or the price of your pork chops is the same as your birthday… sure, call that an answer.
Have as much faith or doubt as you have in other gods, and good luck with all your new sins.
Praise Larry.
