Look. Having basically sold both of my best standing legs to buy more Kingdom Death Monster expansions, I can’t bemoan anyone spending silly amounts of money on whatever plastic tat makes them happy. But I love Baldur’s Gate 3, and it makes me sad to see all the wonderful art, writing, and acting that went into its characters reduced to $6 miniatures that look like their limbs would melt if I rubbed them between my thumb and forefinger.
As spotted by PC Gamer, WizKids have recently opened pre-orders for a set of greasy pre-painted fetishes based on Larian’s RPG. WizKids, of course, being the maker of supermarket-discount-aisle-ass toys but, ah, they’ve got a base on them so we can pretend they’re proper models and charge you accordingly. Moaning about toys now, are we Nic? Is this what the profession has been reduced to? And to that I say: videogames are toys anyway, they’re just slightly better at hiding it. Also, several of them are worth owning.
Look how they plas-acred my boy:
Okay, sure. The sculpts aren’t totally terrible in terms of silhouettes and detail, but at $25 for four randomised figures, I expect something a bit more, uh, good. Astarion above is from the bigger box set, which features all six origin characters, plus withers, for $50, or about £38. You’d have to go to a third party retailer, admittedly, but you could buy an entire 40K Kill Team for that. Don’t like Warhammer? Fine. You know who’d look much, much better on your D&D table, and also comes with four miniatures for about the same price? This guy:
This is Boris The Bunny Summoner from Moonstone, and he is but one of many beautiful miniatures they sell. Don’t like Boris? That’s fine. For the same price, you could get six halfling shieldmaidens riding walruses from TT COMBAT. You cannot tell me this wouldn’t be a more fun dungeon encounter than Karlach’s evil, waxy twin busting through a wall.
Okay, one more. Check out this Owlbear from Zealot Miniatures.
Now look at this actual bear from Wizkids:
Yes, yes. Paint and glue. I know. Point still stands. This bear looks like it came from a bucket on the counter of a museum gift shop. If anyone from WizKids reads this then… 1. It’s satire. I’m writing about your stupid, defective products satirically, and 2. Do NOT send me any bears to try and prove their worth. I know where they’ve been.
Nic Reuben
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