Ask Amy: How do I come clean to my kids about Santa?

Dear Amy: I live in a country that celebrates a tradition that I am, at best, uneasy with. It involves a bizarre ritual by which parents of small children routinely lie to them about the existence of an elderly domestic intruder who supposedly brings small chocolate statues of himself along with toys and gifts once a year (spoiler alert: the parents buy this stuff).

These are otherwise reasonable people who do their best to teach honesty, good communication, integrity and good values to their children.

I’ve assimilated well to the point that I, too, am complicit in this charade, along with almost all my neighbors, friends, colleagues, and all their relatives.

I want to teach my kids about the shamanic origins of this intriguing but overly caricatured figure, instead of fat-shaming him with cookies and milk (seriously).

It’s important for me to keep (or at least regain) my kids’ trust despite this betrayal.

How do I come clean to my kids, who are 7 and 4 and have grown to embrace this tradition?

– No Gaslight

Dear Gaslight: You seem to be saying that in addition to everything else that’s wrong about the Santa story, offering cookies and milk to a fat man who doesn’t exist is part of the problem. Sigh.

And the “shamanic origins” of the Santa story? An internet search that I can now never erase from my brain offers up this idea: That early shamans tripping on hallucinogenic mushrooms imagined flying reindeer racing across the night sky.

You are aware that MANY children and families in Western cultures do not celebrate Christmas? And that other children from families that celebrate Christmas leave Santa out of it? And that some who don’t celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday do the Santa Thing anyway? My point is that no one is zip-tying you to Santa.

But one aspect of parenting that you might not understand is that lying is baked into the deal. We tell our children, “I loved your recorder solo!” “Tired? I’m not tired; I just need to rest my eyes.” “Sure, I’d love to play another round of Candyland!”

The Santa story is a benign part of childhood that children quickly outgrow. Your older child will decode the Santa story first, and might choose to maintain the mystery for the younger child’s enjoyment. That’s what my elder siblings did, anyway – and I’m grateful.

If you want to walk away from the Santa story, tell your children that this is a “once upon a time” story that many children enjoy, but that you’ve decided to go ahead and celebrate the winter holiday without it, and it will still contain magic and fun surprises for all of you.

For a still-fresh take on the magic of the “giving season” without Santa, read Charles Dickens’ 1843 classic, “A Christmas Carol” aloud to your children.

Dear Amy: I’m a 51-year-old woman. I never married and don’t have kids.

I’m fine with it, I enjoy my home and freedom very much.

But I’m constantly being asked by friends, family, colleagues, and people I’ve just met why I’m not married, if I’m seeing anyone, and if I’m looking.

I’m so tired of being told some form of: “It’ll happen for you someday.”

How do I get people to mind their own business? I don’t ask married people about the strength of their relationship at any given time, so why are people always so invasive with single people’s love lives?

– Happily Single

Dear Single: One way to deal with intrusive questions is to basically repeat and reframe the question and toss it back.

Q: “Why aren’t you married?”

You: “Well, you’re certainly interested in my romantic life, aren’t you?!”

Q: “Are you looking?”

You: “Yes. Straight into the future. And it looks great, thanks!”

You’ve decided to fly solo. And sometimes … married people are just a little bit jealous.

Dear Amy: “Baker” was wondering if she should make or purchase additional gluten-free baked goods for a relative with food allergies.

Baker should definitely purchase the gluten-free products, rather than attempting this in her own kitchen.

Given the amount of traditional baking she does, her kitchen is likely to be a source of gluten cross-contamination.

Store bought, certified gluten-free goods will be SAFER for her guest, and will still be appreciated!

– Gluten-Free and Grateful

Dear Grateful: For a person with celiac disease, any exposure to gluten contaminants (found as traces in most kitchens) can cause very serious symptoms. Thank you for the reminder and recommendation.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)