Apparently Heavy Metal Isn’t Torture In Hell

A priest in Michigan is making waves with a wacked out story about how he briefly died, and— while momentarily dead—he visited Hell, where the Dark Master’s soundtrack of choice was Rihanna. Yes, apparently El Diablo likes to bump that bad gal RiRi when kicking back, just torturing weak sinners and malefactors.

This is according to Gerald Johnson, who explained the incident occured in 2016 while suffering from a heart attack. “My spirit left my physical body,” he explained in a new viral TikTok video. “I thought I was going upward, because I thought that I had done so much good in this lifetime and helped so many people, and made so many decisions that were Godly decisions.”

Think again, Padre.

“But as opposed to me going up, I went down. I went literally into the centre of the earth. That’s where hell is.”

The encounter truly seems to have rocked the clergyman to his core, saying that he “wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.” His vivid account is so convincing, who am I to say whether he really visited Hell or not? Listening to Johnson describe seeing a man “walking on all fours like a dog and getting burned from head to toe” definitely gives a person reason for momentary pause.

“His eyes were bulging and worse than that: He was wearing chains on his neck,” Johnson continued. “He was like a hellhound. There was a demon holding the chains…. “The things that I saw were indescribable and it makes me emotional every time I talk about it.”

Crucially, Johnson was able to explain how the Devil got his kicks, recalling how songs like Rihanna’s “Umbrella” and Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry Be Happy” were played on an endless loop by demons, arguably the first Earworm from Hell of it’s kind, to torture every poor bastard sent to Hell to suffer forever.

“It just blew me away,” the old dominie exclaimed. “Every lyric to every song is to torment you [for] the fact that you didn’t worship God through music when you were on the Earth… you chose to worship Satan by repeating the lyrics that he inspired to come into the Earth.”

You watch Johnson tell the story himself in the TikTok video below, and decide for yourself just what it is you really believe. The only thing I believe is that nobody has gone looking underneath Father Johnson‘s bed for a bottle (or two).