Support and love are what’s needed to make people feel accepted

In Pride Month, those of us in the queer community take time to celebrate ourselves, advocate for ourselves and be there for ourselves. It is a time to be comfortable with ourselves. It is also a time to be grateful for the allies who show up for us, and to take the challenging step to open our hearts to those who want to be there for us, but don’t know yet how to do it.

As important as it is for those in the LGBTQ community to feel confident, comfortable and loved as they are, it is important to recognize the reality of the wider world, where gender stereotypes can be rigid, and unfamiliarity breeds hostility.

That reality exists in supposedly “friendly” states. New data show students are hearing more homophobic and transphobic remarks from educators than before, and the increase is highest in so-called progressive states. This while legislative assaults on our rights advance nationwide. In that reality, allies are key.

Becoming an ally to a community with which we don’t identify is not easy. However, taking the conscious step to stand up and stand with this community as an ally and advocate is significant. It’s affirming and supporting. It’s engaging in conversations that are difficult.

For those new to gender dynamics and sexuality other than straight, being an ally is about purity of intent. It’s about being willing at first to do more listening and do less explaining. It’s about wanting to expand your knowledge of a world you haven’t moved in. It’s about being willing to challenge your assumptions, sometimes about something as superficially simple as what gender is — because it’s not so simple.

I see this journey often, in my role as director of the Ackerman Institute for the Family’s Gender & Family Project. As we work with trans and gender expansive kids and youth, for example, we meet loving parents who want to be part of their community but soon realize they have some work to do first.

To help with that, we have community groups for that journey. Over time, piece by piece, people examine and deconstruct their beliefs. They gain confidence in their understanding of how the queer loved ones in their lives must navigate the world. But you have to sit with it and meditate with it before you’re ready to advocate.

After you’re ready to be that ally, the next question is how to do it. Not everyone is equipped to be an ally in the same way. One common basis to allyship, however, is recognizing that we all hold parts of us that are either privileged or marginalized. The key to effective advocacy is to figure out what your privilege is, and use it.

For example, if you are a cis white male, there are spaces where you can advocate for your allies. Perhaps you’re aware of something in your workplace making life difficult for a trans colleague. Your unexpected voice could change that.

Or maybe you lack the confidence to speak out in public, but you have resources and commitment. Charitable counts, as does contacting elected representatives where harmful laws are being enacted. It all helps.

Just as important as being an ally for the community is being an ally for a person. For a queer child, to have an ally is enormous. The simple act of telling a fellow human that they are seen, heard and valued is alleviating, especially when it comes from someone who doesn’t share their experience. That is an act of caring, of love.

Sometimes, of course, people act with good intentions but cause harm. Parents seeking to protect a queer child might tell them not to “act that way here” or that they’re just going through a phase. The intent may be to help the child fit in and avoid being targeted, but the effect is to negate who they are.

Parents want their children to be safe, but let’s return to the idea of acting on privilege you have. If a child is unsafe at school, let’s not change the child. Let’s change the school. Parents have a lot of power to make sure that schools are inclusive and safe.

As we celebrate Pride Month we are celebrating that we are not alone. We have each other, of course, and we have allies — not just where we live, but in online communities available to all. Our allies are out there, and we need you.

Jordan, a therapist and a faith leader, is director of the Gender & Family Project at Ackerman Institute for the Family, a leading trainer of family therapists.