How To Confront A Cheater – 11 Expert Tips

The worst has happened. You have found out your partner has cheated on you. Your mind is out of control and your heart is broken – you’re hardly thinking about how to confront a cheater. Your thoughts are muddled, and your feelings all over the place. To put it in simple words, you can’t think straight.

To find out how to confront a cheater as you go through the motions of disbelief, grief, and trauma, we reached out to psychologist Jayant Sundaresan, (Masters in Applied Psychology). He said, “For some people, cheating is like an addiction. But that doesn’t mean they can’t mend their ways or tame their addiction. In all probability, they can control it unless and until they are intoxicated and aren’t in the right state of mind.”

11 Expert Tips For Confronting A Cheater

Jayant says, “Before you confront a liar and cheater, look at the label and timeline of your relationship. If it was just casual dating, then why bother putting yourself through so much torment to confront them? They chose to cheat on you. They did the wrong thing here. You pick yourself up and move on. 

“Because if you question them, they can say, ‘Since we aren’t serious about each other, why should I inhibit myself from seeing others?’ They will wash their hands off the whole matter. In such unlabeled relationships, you won’t get the satisfaction of their apology, regret, or guilt. This is one of the signs they never loved you and they don’t really care about their actions or how it affects you. So why bother at all?”

But if it’s a serious relationship, then you must question your cheating spouse, and you need to know how. The right confrontation strategy does not just include things to say to a cheater or how to say them. There are three main aspects to the process:

• Before confrontation: This includes preparing yourself with the right tools before you approach your cheating husband or wife
• During confrontation: This is the actual conversation part. It includes everything you need to do to challenge them responsibly, what to say to a cheater and how to say it
• After confrontation: Post confrontation, the ordeal is not over. You need to strategize how to give your cheating wife or husband and yourself time and space so that no rash decisions are made

Knowing that the right confrontation planning includes everything from pre-confrontation to post-confrontation will allow you not to stuff the confrontation part with 100% of your emotions. Below are some of the things to keep in mind when confronting a cheater. 

1. Gather the evidence

So you suspect your mate of cheating. You have a strong hunch that they are emotionally invested or physically involved with someone else. They could be engaged in virtual cheating by having an online affair. But to approach them you need evidence. Without evidence, if your partner outrightly negates your accusations, you wouldn’t be left with a choice but to half-heartedly move forward. This can also cause irreparable damage to the relationship.

You also need evidence to be absolutely sure of your accusations. This security will help you feel confident and more relaxed when approaching your partner. Evidence can be of any and all kinds. Everything you have will not necessarily be incriminating evidence but it will be useful. Even small signs and seemingly irrelevant pieces of evidence can become parts of a bigger puzzle.

• Bills and receipts of unexplained purchases
• Transactions that show your partner was somewhere they shouldn’t have been
• Confirmation from someone who saw your partner with someone else
• Social media search history
• Duplicate accounts on social media with an alias
• Email or text trail and call records for phone cheaters

Related Reading: How To Make A Cheating Boyfriend Feel Bad – 11 Surefire Ways

2. Use writing as a tool to assemble your thoughts

Jayant says, “You can begin to settle your thoughts by writing all the things you want to say. The reason behind this is so you can hold yourself together and don’t break down during confrontation. You have been gravely wronged, but you need to be strong.” Here are a few writing prompts that can help you stay calm and have more clarity:

• How do you feel right now?
• What do you want from the conversation?
• What is the end goal of the confrontation? Would you be willing to forgive? Or do you want to end the relationship?
• What do you think you need from your partner to make things better?
• What will you say to your partner? Practice writing the dialogue
• What do you want to know from them? How much or how little?

After you have done this make sure to release your expectations before entering the conversation. You will approach your partner responsibly, expecting a sincere response, but ultimately, you can not predict how they will react. Don’t “expect” a terrible response, nor a great one. Do your part and see what it brings.

3. Select the right time and place

Jayant says, “This is one of the first things to think about when you are planning to confront your cheating spouse. You want everything to be on your side, including time and setting. Select a safe place where you can be comfortable. You also don’t want any distractions and disturbances. Don’t have this conversation when you or they are driving.”

If you have suspicions of cheating, you might want to barge into your partner’s office and create a scene at their workplace, especially if you suspect that they are having an affair with a coworker. But, don’t! Don’t challenge them when they are hanging out with their friends because those people might end up defending their friend (your partner) and make them look like the victim. You need to know how to out a cheater smartly by being mindful of the ‘where’ and ‘when’.

Another thing to take care of is your children if you have any. Make sure that your children do not witness this conversation. You can send them to a family member or a trusted friend. Do not rely on “keeping the voice down” or “Let’s talk when the children are asleep.” Tempers can flare during such conversations.

Related Reading: 21 Signs Of Lack Of Respect In A Relationship

4. Remain objective

When you confront a cheating boyfriend without proof, they might react impulsively. Any cheating partner would react like that. They might twist the entire narrative when you are not confident or weak. It’s very difficult to not burst out crying but this is not the time to cry or open the floodgate of feelings.

Jayant says, “Imagine you are a lawyer who is presenting your own case. Be in control of your emotions while confronting a cheater. It sounds impossible but it’s doable.” There are 7 types of cheaters. My former partner was a serial cheater. When I challenged him about his cheating, I was howling. My body was out of sync with my mind. I refused to be sane or have a rational conversation. I acted like a wounded victim when I was supposed to play it strong. Looking back I should have been more in control. Handle a cheater by:

• Remaining objective, calm, and dispassionate
• Using a detached formal tone
• Having a business-like approach to the entire confrontation meeting
• Using statements that reflect what was found and what you felt, instead of accusing them of what they did
• For example, “I found out that you have a second account on Facebook that I know nothing about. I saw that you chatted with a person named, X. I feel betrayed/disappointed/shocked/hurt/pained. Please explain yourself.”

5. Lay down your evidence 

Now is the time to lay down all the hard facts. When you confront a cheating boyfriend without proof or any cheating partner with no speck of evidence, they will say that it’s just your over-possessive nature that’s giving rise to such baseless suspicion. Don’t give them a chance to wiggle their way out of this.

Jayant shares, “You need to logically lay down your evidence. You can’t just approach them and say that your instincts are telling you that they are cheating on you. While your intuition could be 100% correct, you need data to make them confess.” If they deny cheating on you, then it’s one of the signs you are dating a fuccboi who can’t take accountability for his actions.

6. Give the cheater a chance to speak

Jayant says, “While confronting your boyfriend about cheating, don’t dump all the evidence and hurl abuses at him. Don’t stand up to your cheating partner by name-calling or by taking a dig at their character. Give them a chance to speak without prejudice. Don’t make personal remarks because if and when you are looking for ways to reconnect after a big fight like this, the vicious name-calling and snide remarks will make it difficult to move past. It will forever stand between the two of you.

“The reason that you need to confront a liar and cheater without prejudgment is because there is always a microscopic chance you could be wrong. How you conduct yourself during these pivotal times will matter later in the relationship if you decide to give them another chance.”

Related Reading: Fighting In A Marriage – 10 Tips To Do It Right

7. Don’t assume you have the upper hand

Jayant adds, “When you confront a cheater with evidence, the hurt and betrayal can get to your head and make you act in unnatural ways. You will think they are at your mercy. You will be mean, rude, and pass snide comments. Show a little humility out of the possibility that you could be wrong even if the chances are minimal. Ask yourself ‘Is he cheating or am I paranoid?’ before you go all out on them. “

Your reaction to their disloyalty can cause a lot of damage. When we think of confrontation, we often imagine a dramatic movie scenario. Breaking things, throwing stuff at them, grabbing their collar, or even indulging in physical abuse like pushing your partner or hitting them. These are extremely unhealthy. Not just for them, but also for you.

8. Prepare yourself for a dramatic reaction

Jayant says, “When you confront your cheating spouse, be prepared for an emotional outburst from their side. You’ve caught them off guard. They don’t have a defense yet, so they will try to make you feel uncomfortable by shouting and creating a disruption.”

When you confront a liar and cheater unexpectedly, the stages of guilt often don’t begin right away. They are reacting out of disbelief that their infidelity has unraveled and that you were smart enough to collect evidence against them. They might cry, scream, yell, and throw things around/at you.”

Jayant adds, “Along with the above-mentioned point, you also need to be prepared that they might accept their disloyalty and end it all. They will hold themselves accountable for everything.” When you confront a cheater with evidence, they might think you have cornered them. They will try to escape this by ending the relationship itself. Prepare yourself for this reaction as well.

9. Don’t ask for all the details 

Jayant says, “When you are confronting your partner about cheating and deceit, ask yourself how many of the painstaking details you want to know. If they answer everything truthfully, your curiosity will get the better of you and you will visualize everything.

If you reach the reconciliation phase, your mind will flash these images. Some details are better left undisclosed for your peace of mind. You need to know how to love yourself if you want to move on from this relationship. It will be better for your mental health when you stop fixating on the details of his affair.”

Your spouse has violated the rules of monogamy. It’s common to be curious but don’t make the mistakes I made. When I stood up to my previous partner, I was so inquisitive about everything. I wanted to know where they did it. How many times? In the bedroom? Which hotel? What was she wearing? None of the answers made anything better. It only intensified my trauma. 

10. Don’t take the blame on yourself 

Always keep in mind that cheating is a choice. It’s selfish and shows their lack of self-esteem. If they respected you and the relationship, they would never do this to you. Your partner cheating on you does not say anything about you. It’s only a reflection of their mental state. They might try to make you feel like you too are at fault in this episode, but make sure you don’t go down that rabbit hole. It won’t do you any good. 

When asked on Reddit if cheating is a choice or a mistake, one user said, “Knocking over a glass of milk is a mistake. Cheating is VERY much intentional.” Tell yourself and your partner that you can share the responsibility of a relationship gone wrong, or unmet expectations of your partner, or a marital crisis. But the responsibility of infidelity lies on your promiscuous partner alone.

11. Give each other space to process and respond

Yes, it’s true, your partner cheated on you, and that should take away any rights they have, shouldn’t it? But if you want to move forward from this, go through each of the infidelity recovery stages, you have to exercise some patience. Accusations of infidelity are hard to take. These conversations can be very tough. If you or your partner need some space to decide “What are the next steps?”, allow each other that.

You don’t have to forgive them. But you don’t have to decide everything right away either. Make sure, however, that your partner asks for a reasonable time from you to react. They shouldn’t see this as an opportunity to dodge the ball. You can do so by clearly expressing your intent of continuing the conversation after a little while.

Related Reading: 11 Ways Being Cheated On Changes You

How Do Cheaters React When Confronted

Your partner has been having their romantic escapades behind your back. Let’s say you confront a cheater when you snooped around to gather evidence against them. To successfully confront someone for cheating you need to also be prepared for their response. There are many shocking things cheaters say when they are caught.

When you confront a liar and cheater, there are no right and wrong answers. Provided your partner takes responsibility for their actions and asks you what you need to fix their mistake. Your partner’s first reaction can be denial, or shifting the blame on you – shock and embarrassment can make one do that – but they should ideally switch to taking accountability soon after. Below are some of the common phrases most people use :

You have your answer now for what to do when someone is cheating on you. You are familiar with their reactions. Let’s say they accept, apologize for cheating, and want to make it better. What are you going to do now? Are you ready to repair the relationship and address the underlying issues that have surfaced? Or do you want to dump them and move on? Jayant says, “A lot of people are so immersed in their grief that all they care about is the confrontation. They don’t sit back and think about the things that will follow after that.”

It’s not just about learning the tips to confront someone for cheating, it’s also about how to move forward afterward. Infidelity is a sensitive issue to deal with and professional counseling can prove to be extremely helpful in the matter.

You can seek individual counseling to learn how to deal with your partner’s infidelity. If you and your partner decide to give it another chance, couple’s therapy can assist you with the tools of trust building, forgiveness, and moving on. Should you need that help, Bonobology’s panel of experts is here for you.

This article has been updated in April 2023.

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