Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)
He told so many, it seems like he told them all. However, an investigation has revealed many lies George Santos did not tell.
According to Dr. Freddie Fibbe, head of The Universal Liars Institute located in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, approximately 80 million lies are told worldwide everyday. Most are simple lies like “the check is in the mail” or “it’s not my baby” or “not guilty your honor.”
Dr. Fibbe noted that men are the best liars, explaining, “Men have to lie because they have to talk to women.”
He said that on the current Top 40 Liars Chart, New York congressman-elect George Santos is number one with a bullet. While Santos appears to be the consummate professional liar, Dr Fibbe points out 20 lies George Santos did not tell:
1. That he’s really Chuck Berry.
2. That he’s Black.
3. That he’s of Slobovian royalty.
4. That he owns the Brooklyn Bridge.
5. That he invented the Ooky Ook Dance.
6. That his mom was Marilyn Monroe and that she’s still alive.
7. That he’s secretly Zorro.
8. That he wrote The Torah.
9. That he’s Fat Joe the Rapper.
10. That his family came over on the Mayflower with Columbus.
11. That politicians never lie.
12. That he played baseball for the New York Yankees under the name Aaron Judge.
13. That he dated Detective Olivia Benson.
14. That lying is good for the soul.
15. That he’s Batman.
16. That his father is Nick Cannon.
17. That he’s married to Tulsi Gabbard.
18. That he’s really Donald Trump.
19. That the truth will set you free.
20. That he’s editor of the Humor Times magazine.
SNN Words to Live By
“You are the bear claw in the garbage bag of my life.” — Sienfeld TV show.
“A lot of what we call maturity is really copping out.” — Hugh Hefner.
“Beware of nurses wearing Geisha outfits, for they will take your temperature with a Kawasaki.” — Chuck Barris, The Gong Show.
Ted holland attended college for four years. The year that he bothered to go to class he studied history. He majored in throwing quarters in the jukebox in the Student Union canteen and minored in a girl named Marsha. His books include This Day In African American Musicand B Western Actors Encyclopedia.
Ted Holland
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