One afternoon, I sat at my kitchen table in tears. I didn’t want to cry — I did everything I could to stop the tears, but they came anyway. My youngest child had just told me she wished I would put on my headphones to listen to my music instead of playing it through our Bluetooth speakers.
Totally harmless comment. No big deal, right? Not with rejection sensitivity.
When my kids were born, I had all these ideas about the kind of home I wanted them to grow up in. One of those ideas? A home filled with music. It was a memory I wanted them to carry and share with their own kids. Something I thought would be joyful.
As dramatic as it sounds, it hurt to hear that my dream for my daughter’s childhood was basically an annoyance. I reflected on years past when she did dance and sing with me in the kitchen, which only made the pain worse. But I made sure my daughter knew I was just sad about the situation, not upset at her.
[Read: It’s OK to Cry — and Other Lessons from a Sensitive Mom with ADHD]
Parenthood with rejection sensitivity means navigating many benign yet painful moments, knowing that our children don’t mean harm. Babies can make us feel rejected when they cry and cry and nothing we’re doing is soothing them. We feel rejected when our toddlers turn away from us, though we know we are their entire world.
Rejection sensitivity hits harder as they become older. They become embarrassed to be seen with us. The hugs get fewer and farther between. They test boundaries, disapprove of our decisions, and reject advice from us as they practice independence. They accuse us – the people who want nothing but their happiness – of not wanting them to have fun or be happy. They don’t yet realize how deeply their words sink. In many ways, our children can unintentionally make us feel like we’re falling short.
How to Parent with Rejection Sensitivity
1. Broaden your view.
My therapist told me that practically all parents struggle with feelings of inadequacy. After all, there are an infinite number of ways to be a good parent. Yet we tend to focus on the things we can’t do, and that convinces us that we’ve fallen short.
2. Stop mind reading.
If your child happens to point out that, hey, all their friends get to play baseball so why can’t they, and the reason is that you don’t have the money to pay for both baseball and cello and you chose cello, it can feel like your child is saying your parenting is not good enough.
[Read: How to Control Your Emotions and RSD in Real Time]
That isn’t what they’re saying. What they’re saying is, they want to play baseball. Notice when you’re developing a story out of nothing, and focus on the evidence.
3. Practice letting go (and practice some more).
Living with AuDHD, I often fall into the trap of taking everything people say, including the things said by my children, literally and to heart. And because I have those delightful additional negative messages in my brain from when I was a child, it is not easy to convince myself that I should brush it off and let it go. But I’ve gotten better at it.
As an adult, I have the ability and responsibility to look at the things my children say through the lens of them being teenagers – with developing brains and unstable hormones – and me being the grown-up.
When warranted, I tell my children their comment was hurtful or uncalled for, but I don’t let it settle into my heart.
4. Regulate and return.
Rejection sensitivity means that I sometimes have to walk away from a conversation with the promise to come back to it later, when I’m calmer. Sometimes it means switching to communicating through text so I don’t blurt out anything I don’t mean. Sometimes it means processing my feelings privately or with my therapist. I’ll go for a walk until my anger or frustration simmer, as losing my temper will help no one.
When I walk away or pause, I make sure my children know that I’m trying to regulate – not that I’m walking away from them.
My job isn’t to never feel rejected. My job is to make sure my rejection sensitivity doesn’t trigger a negative cycle that becomes theirs to handle.
Rejection Sensitivity and Parenting: Next Steps
ADDITUDE IS HUMAN
Artificial intelligence does not create or edit any written content published by ADDitude. Our editorial team is 100% human, and our mission is simple: listen to and serve our readers with hand-crafted, expert-informed resources. To support ADDitude, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our commitment possible. Thank you.
Nathaly Pesantez
Source link