By Dr. Joe Beam & Dr. Kimberly Beam Holmes
Published
· Updated · 8 min read
Has your marriage been impacted by an affair? Not all infidelity looks the same, and the type matters, because each one has to be approached and responded to differently. Here are the most commonly cited types of infidelity according to research, plus one many people do not even count as an affair.
Where infidelity comes from
Most infidelity stems from three core needs people carry into a relationship: a sexual need, a physical need, and an emotional need. Which of those is driving it shapes the kind of affair it becomes, and that, in turn, changes how it should be handled.
Type 1: Sexual infidelity
As the name says, this one is about sex. It might be a one-night stand, a series of them, or a long-term physical-only arrangement. It stems from the desire for sex, not from building a relationship, a friendship, or companionship. It really is only about the sex.
Type 2: Emotional infidelity (limerence)
Emotional infidelity is about the relational and emotional connection between two people rather than the physical one. It is companionate in nature, and it is known as limerence. It is far more common than most people think, and it is different from a purely sexual relationship.
That difference matters: you should not respond to an affair that is deeply relational and companionate the same way you would respond to a purely sexual one. We have many resources on limerence, so if this is what you are facing, start with our limerence hub.
Type 3: Emotional and sexual combined
The third type is the combination of the two. What begins as an emotional connection can grow into a physical one as the friendship and companionship deepen. When both are present, it is probably the strongest type of infidelity of the three, because it combines all of a person’s strongest drives at once: the drive for sex, the drive for romance, and that deep companionship connection. That is exactly why it can be so difficult to end or to move past.
Other forms, including pornography
There are other patterns that fit into combinations of these, like open marriages, swinging, and wife-swapping. And there is the lesser-acknowledged form of infidelity: pornography.
Some people do not see pornography as infidelity because it is not a “real” relationship. But many others, whether they watched it themselves or their spouse did, know very well the hurt, betrayal, and pain it causes. If we look at the word itself, infidelity is about breaking the vow and being unfaithful, whether in mind, body, or spirit. That is why what one person counts as infidelity, another may not. One spouse may not think looking at porn is cheating; another may be devastated by it. One may see an intense “just friends” relationship as harmless; another sees a clear betrayal.
The real question: has trust been broken, and why?
So the question behind the question is this: do you feel there has been a breach of trust in your relationship, and is it hurting your marriage?
And the even bigger question, the one that makes a real difference to your future, is what was the motivation behind it? Was it seeking a thrill? A deep companionship that felt missing at home? Or being in the wrong place at the wrong time and falling into temptation? Those are very different circumstances, and they should not all be treated the same.
Here is the part to hear clearly: the infidelity is rarely the core issue. It is absolutely an issue, and a big one. But more often than not, something else has been going on underneath, and the infidelity is a symptom of it. Addressing only the symptom will not heal the marriage.
What to do next
If there has been a breach of trust, and your spouse may be in a sexual, emotional, or combined relationship with someone else, it does not have to be the end of your marriage. We have an affair assessment that helps you figure out what type of infidelity has happened and what to do to move forward.
It works the same whether your spouse is the one who strayed or you are the one who did and do not know what to do next. At Marriage Helper, whatever type of infidelity has touched your marriage, it does not scare us away. We have workshops, online courses, and coaching available wherever you are in your marriage and wherever you are in the world, and we believe there is real hope for you and for your future.
Common questions
What are the three types of infidelity?
Sexual infidelity (driven by the desire for sex), emotional infidelity or limerence (a deep relational and companionate connection), and the combination of the two, which is the strongest because it engages all of a person’s biological drives at once.
Is emotional infidelity the same as a sexual affair?
No. Emotional infidelity, or limerence, is about connection and companionship rather than sex, and it is handled very differently from a purely sexual affair. Treating them the same is a common and costly mistake.
Is pornography a form of infidelity?
Many spouses experience it that way. Infidelity is about breaking the vow, being unfaithful in mind, body, or spirit, and for many people the betrayal and pain of pornography is just as real as a physical affair.