The first time Anne-Laure Le Cunff agreed to give a TEDx talk, she was so terrified she barely slept for a month. The idea of getting on stage in front of hundreds of people gave her stomach cramps, nightmares, and everything else you could think of.
The talk itself went well, but Le Cunff, a neuroscientist and author of the book Tiny Experiments, was not eager to repeat the experience. So, despite receiving invite after invite, she turned them all down.
Until this year.
Le Cunff once more decided to give it a go, this time at TEDx Nashville. To reduce her nervousness, she had been slowly desensitizing herself: posting selfie videos on social media, raising her hand first at meetings, running short workshops. She called these her “tiny experiments” in public speaking. Slowly, but surely, the fear started to subside. She was ready.
But then, something astonishing happened.
On stage, in the middle of her presentation to a live audience of 800 people, she blanked.
“When you do a TEDx talk, there’s no teleprompter, no notes, nothing,” Le Cunff shared on LinkedIn. “Just you and your memory. So if something like that happens, you’re stuck.”
Everything Le Cunff had prepared was suddenly gone from her mind. She described the experience as her “worst public speaking fear” come true.
Which is what makes what happened next so remarkable.
Le Cunff didn’t panic. She didn’t just start talking, hoping the right words would eventually come.
Instead, she took a deep breath…and just stood there. Embracing the silence.
As she waited, the audience waited with her.
“When my mind finally caught up and I resumed the talk, I saw huge smiles on people’s faces,” Le Cunff said. “So many came to see me afterwards to tell me this was a powerful moment.”
Her book sold out at the event.
This experience is a perfect example of following what I like to call “the rule of awkward silence,” an emotionally intelligent tool that helps you to manage your emotions in a high-pressure moment, so you can speak more thoughtfully, intentionally, and accurately.
What is the Rule of Awkward Silence? How did Le Cunff demonstrate it, and how can you use it to exercise your emotional intelligence? Let’s take a closer look. (Sign up here for my free email course on emotionally intelligence.)
Embracing the rule of awkward silence
The rule of awkward silence is simple: When faced with a challenging question, situation, or moment, you pause and take your time to figure out what to do next. That pause could last seconds, or even minutes (or even longer, depending on the circumstances).
This tool is useful because of the way our brains work.
Typically speaking, when it comes to calm and rational thought, we engage the prefrontal cortex. But when we feel attacked or under pressure, we engage another part of our brain known as the amygdala, which tends to take over in a type of “emotional hijack.”
That’s not always bad, as our emotions can help us get out of difficult situations. But those emotions can also cause us to say or do things that we later regret. For example, we may try to fill the silence by saying whatever comes to mind, even if it doesn’t represent our true thoughts or feelings.
The name of the tool comes from the feeling it evokes: It’s very awkward…at first. But once you practice it enough, it becomes second nature. It actually adds presence, gravitas. And for the audience, it can actually enhance whatever comes next.
In this instance, by embracing the silence, Le Cunff was able to find the words she wanted to finish her presentation—instead of forcing the matter and saying something she’d later regret.
But Le Cunff experienced another, unexpected benefit.
Interestingly, Le Cunff’s presentation was all about letting go of control, embracing the wobbly moments, and making friends with our fears. Which led to what Le Cunff described as “a meta way to practice what I was talking about, in front of a live audience.”
Robyn Straley, founder of her own coaching practice, said she was in the audience for the talk.
“I’ll never forget that moment,” Straley shared on Instagram, in a comment on Le Cunff’s post. “The way you paused, calm and unhurried, didn’t take anything away from your message; it deepened it…It was such a powerful reminder that authenticity lands far more beautifully than perfection ever could.”
“As for me, I experienced what I thought would be the worst possible scenario when it comes to public speaking, and I learned that it’s ok,” Le Cunff said. “We’re imperfect, we won’t always get it right, and nobody who matters is out there to judge you.”
The next time you’re faced with a challenging question, situation, or moment, remember: Don’t be afraid of silence. Don’t run away from it, or force anything to fill it.
Because it’s only once you learn to embrace silence, that you’ll discover its true value.
The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.
Justin Bariso
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