A new relationships or potential relationship is always exciting. Butterflies in your stomach, exciting thoughts for the future, and a smile that just can’t seem to leave your face.
All of this is amazing and I am so excited for you if that’s where you are right now. That all said, you may be wondering if there are things you want to avoid doing in the first month of dating to protect yourself and give the relationship the best opportunity to grow.
In this article, I want to look at several of the most common first month dating mistakes. Hopefully, by sharing these with you, you’re able to better navigate this exciting time without fears that you might be doing something wrong.
1. Not properly setting boundaries
I genuinely hope there are things that you stand for. I hope there are things you are okay with in the dating process, and things that you aren’t comfortable with. The official term for these things? Boundaries.
Here’s the mistake that a lot of people make early on in relationships. They assume the other person is somehow going to automatically know their boundaries. In reality, there is almost no way that they can know what you do and do not stand for…unless you tell them.
Yes, they may be able to make assumptions. For example, if you’ve met in a faith-focused context, they might be able to assume that you subscribe to the morals and do’s and don’ts of that faith. However, even then, there are so many nuances that the only way for them to truly understand your boundaries is for you to share them.
You can never expect someone to respect a boundary that they don’t know exists.
Now, I’m not advocating for starting your first date reading a long decree of all of your boundaries. Boundaries can be learned through trial and error and yes, also through sharing them.
Make sure you know exactly what your boundaries are, and be ready to be firm in enforcing them in your new relationship. If after you set your boundaries, they are respected, awesome! If they aren’t, that’s a huge red flag and probably makes a good argument that is not going to be a great relationship to continue.
2. Moving too fast
What happens when you don’t set and stick to your boundaries in the first month of a relationship? You end up moving too quickly and doing things you don’t really want to do. These might be things that compromise your morals, or they be things that could be a detriment to the future success of the relationship.
Here’s the takeaway. Don’t let anyone ever push you on your boundaries when it comes to a relationship. I imagine everyone’s brain is going toward the physical aspects of intimacy here, which yes, I am referring to in part. However, I am also referring to emotional intimacy, your time, your money, and so much more.
Take things at a pace that you are comfortable, and never faster than the person you are dating with is comfortable with. The default should always be to whichever person wants to take things slower.
3. Romanticizing things that aren’t there
Early on in a dating relationship, you’re quite likely to think about the person you’re dating a lot. Is that bad? Absolutely not! However, you do need to be careful that you are not filling in gaps and romanticizing things that might not actually be there.
How does this happen? It’s a bit of a challenge to put into words, but I’m going to do my best to explain.
Often, people daydream scenarios with their new partner. You might daydream about the two of you going somewhere, doing some activity together, meeting your friends, or even getting married.
When you do this, you never daydream in reality. In your daydream, everything is perfect. More significantly, in your daydream, your partner does everything right exactly the way you would want them to do it.
The problem is you subconsciously start to build this in as expectations of your new partner. You start to believe that this is the way they really are in every little detail. The problem from this can manifest two-fold.
Number one, you might create unrealistic expectations and start to get mad at your new partner if they don’t do things the way your brain expects them too.
Number two, they might not be someone who does things right, but your brain may block out the red flags because of the “experiences” you’ve had “together” in your mind.
What’s the best strategy to combat this? My personal opinion would be not to daydream about events and experiences with your new partner that haven’t actually happened. Instead, enjoy and embrace the real experiences you’ve already had. Allow your expectations and understanding of your new partner to be shaped by real events.
It’s the most fair to them and the most fair to you. It also, in my opinion, gives your relationship the best chances of success and the ability to realize it’s not the right fit quicker.
4. Shutting out your existing life and support systems
The last mistake that I tend to see people making in the first month of dating is shutting out their existing life and support systems. Have you ever experienced this with a friend? They meet someone new, and then they just disappear off the face of the planet.
I understand why this happens, and you probably do too. They are falling head over heels with someone they may have been looking to find for a long time. Now that they’ve found it, they can’t get enough of it.
The problem? Just because we understand it, doesn’t mean that it’s right. Here’s why I feel this way.
First, what happens if the relationship doesn’t work out? You’ve now alienated your support system who you’re going to need to help get through the heartache. And yes, they’ll probably still be there for you no matter what. However, they’re probably going to feel fairly used in that you are only reaching out to them again because you need them.
Second, it’s going to leave you without the people who know you best to help guide you through things. If you have a question, you need advice, or you just need some input on an aspect of your relationship…it’s not going to be available to you. Instead, you’ll be flying blind without your typical support system.
Lastly, it’s an incredibly unbalanced life. Too much of a good thing can cause issues. You might get burnt out on the new relationship because it’s too much at once. You might start to see other areas of your life suffer.
Also, something that I have to say is that the important people in your life aren’t just there to help you; you’re there to help them too. They may need you for something. And if you’re nowhere to be found, that’s not being a good friend or family member.
I wish you the best
All said, I hope your new budding relationship is incredibly successful! If you can avoid these mistakes and pitfalls, you do set yourself up for success in the love realm.
Jason Lee
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