This is a post that I’ve done several variations of before because it’s a question that I get asked a lot and I think it’s super important to help give people all the tools and information they need to have the best success when it comes to online dating.
So, consider this my updated list of the reasons you are not getting responses in online dating. As preparation, some of these reasons will be things outside of your control, and some of them will be things that you do have the power to control. Please make sure to pay attention to what category each one falls under so you don’t get frustrated with the things you can’t change, and so you don’t ignore the things that you do have control over.
With that all said, let’s take a look at the list.
1. Response rates are low to begin with (lower than you think).
When you go up and talk to someone in person, the percentage of time that they typically respond to you (whether positive or not) is usually 100%. Even if they are not interested, they will pretty quickly let you know. Even if they don’t verbally say anything, they will respond non-verbally.
The problem is that a lot of people assume that the same is the case when it comes to online dating. If that’s what you think, please take a seat because it’s time for some inconvenient truths.
People are absolutely terrible when it comes to the frequency in which they respond to online dating messages. I’m not talking they only respond to half of the messages they get sent. I would venture to say that for a lot of people it might be as bad as 1 in 10 if not worse.
Why? There are several reasons.
Number one – most people don’t send a message when they are not interested in you.
Instead, they choose just to delete your message or ignore it. Is this the kind thing to do? Not really. Is it what I advise people to do? No.
However, I do understand why people choose to make this decision. First, a lot of people in online dating are not good at hearing the word no. Sometimes they respond rudely. Sometimes they try and argue and convince the person to change their no to a yes. This can get exhausting and for a lot of people, they realize that if they just don’t respond to the people they aren’t interested in, they don’t have to deal with these land mines.
Second, a lot of people have limited time when it comes to online dating. Because of this, they may prioritize messaging people they are actually interested in because they have the potential to get something out of that. Because they don’t see any positive potential for themselves by telling you they aren’t interested, they choose not to do it. Again, I don’t feel like this is the kind approach and it’s not what I recommend, but I’m dealing in truths today, no matter how inconvenient.
Number two – They may not be able to respond based off of their membership level with the dating app.
Some dating apps allow users of any membership level to respond to a message that is sent to them. However, a lot of dating apps won’t let you send a response unless you have a premium membership. This means that if you are a paying member and you send a message to someone, they may not be able to send a response unless they choose to upgrade their account.
I personally don’t like this approach because I feel like if you are paying for a membership, you should be able to talk to anyone on the app that you want. However, the dating app giants disagree with me for the most part.
Here’s the worst part about this. You aren’t going to know whether or not the person you messaged is a premium member or not. You are left in this fun limbo trying to decide if they just weren’t interested, if they’ve left the app and haven’t been removed, or if they may be interested but just haven’t decided yet on upgrading their account.
Hooray.
2. Your profile isn’t getting the job done.
Since we shared a reason you’re not getting messages that it outside of your control, let’s look at one that you do have control over.
What is the first thing that you do when you get a message from a new match after reading the message? If you are like most people, the first thing you do is you go check out their profile. And even if this is not what you do, I can tell you from experience being in the industry, it is exactly what 99% of people do.
Why does this matter? If your profile is not strong, they are probably not going to choose to respond to you. Typically, the profile is the deciding piece between a response or no response. For this reason, you need to really take the time and put in the effort to make your profile the best it can be.
If you need help, we have an awesome guide on writing a great dating profile.
3. People are getting eaten alive by online dating.
Let’s now jump back to something that is outside of your control. Online dating is doing a masterful job of making people think that they have an endless stream of options and that they should continually pass on people who are great for them in hopes of finding someone better.
If that is not one of the most depressing things you’ve ever heard, well…I don’t know.
I recently wrote an article about how FOMO and dating apps are feeding the problem of people passing on matches that they really should be messaging. I would highly recommend you take a few minutes to read that when you get a chance because it really drives home the point I’m trying to make here.
The short version, though, is that the very nature of online dating, particularly swipe dating apps, is not producing an environment where you can expect to get good response rates on your messages, because it’s breaking (manipulating) people’s brains.
4. Your messages aren’t great.
To close, let’s look at one more reason that you might not be getting responses to your dating messages that falls into your realm of control.
It is entirely possible that the messages you are sending are not great. If you are sending cookie cutter messages, messages that don’t show any effort, or messages that don’t do the right things to foster the start of conversation, you shouldn’t expect great response rates.
If you are at all concerned that this might be the problem, I would highly recommend you check out our guide on writing great first messages because it can really help.
The powerful bottom line
I apologize if this entire article has made you discouraged about online dating. To be completely transparent, that is 100% not what I was trying to accomplish. I do believe that online dating can be an incredible way to meet someone special.
All I am trying to say, is that you should approach online dating with the right expectations, so that you are not discouraged by the response rate you receive on your messages. Additionally, I wanted to make sure that you have the information and the opportunity to correct any mistakes that you might be making that could be causing you to get a lower response rate.
Jason Lee
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